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"Be happy for this moment. This moment is your life"; perfectly content



mehraabanwar 1 / 1  
Dec 11, 2013   #1
Describe a place or environment where you were perfectly content. What do you do or experience there and why is it meaningful to you?

Atop my roof rests an untouched platform, a raised podium of sorts that requires a fair bit of athleticism to reach. The higher altitude allows me to witness the most wondrous of views as I look upon the gradual descent of the gilded sun below the horizon. The receding rays of the sun create an eternal dance of vibrant colors in the sky casting a golden hue on everything within its reach, as the measly twinkle of myriad stars make their appearance known. Below, the lush underbrush paving the pathways, the rust brown window-panes of the multi-storied buildings and the still waters of the nearby lake reflect striking shades of red, yellow and blue that are splattered across the skyline.

The mellifluous Adhan, an evening call to prayer, can be heard loud and clear from nearby mosques during this hour. It, however, does little to disrupt the peace and rather serves as a euphonic addition to the tranquil ambiance I find myself lost in.

I lie down with nothing but the clouds above my head absorbing all this into my being. I savor each and every breath that passes through my lungs, in this place that never fails to pacify my turbulent thoughts; my very own personal sanctuary.

Slowly, I feel the perpetual swirling of emotions settle down.

With every unburdened breath I exhale I remember the first time I had stumbled upon this place. I was a mere child; oblivious to the cruel, unfair ways of the world, just on the cusp of adolescence when I had lost a very dear one.

The man, that was now beyond my reach, had been my friend, my mentor, my role model. With him suddenly gone, I felt lost. I felt like a part of me had been buried away with him when he died and all the darkness, the unfairness that he had shielded me from were descending upon me little by little. I was slowly suffocating and I needed release.

I went to the only place I knew that would bring me a semblance of exactly that, my rooftop. True to my guess, the fresh air filled my lungs with an openness I didn't know I had been yearning for all along. With every exhale I felt like I needed more and so I nimbly climbed tier above tier until I reached the highest point on the terrace. I closed my eyes, felt the breeze circle around me and with it the dissolution of all that weighed me down. I felt all my troubles slip away with the wind and I realized I was perfectly content.

"Be happy for this moment. This moment is your life" - Omar Khayyam

Is this good enough? And are there any corrections needed?
appreciated.

yyc1 5 / 10  
Dec 12, 2013   #2
this was very well written, i enjoyed reading it, as it flowed very well.

my only suggestions would be
-its extremely "wordy" and can be distracting to read. maybe simplify some of the language.
-the amount of time it took you to introduce your main topic was very long. I would try to tell the reader that you are referring to your rooftop sooner in the essay

good luck:)
OP mehraabanwar 1 / 1  
Dec 12, 2013   #3
thanks for the suggestion :) i'll try to cut back on the language.
also, I mentioned that it's my rooftop in the first line "Atop my roof, rests--". but i'll try mentioning it again somehwere near the middle.

appreciated.
Xenon54 - / 6  
Dec 28, 2013   #4
My only advice: you want some imagery, but not too much imagery. Sometime too much imagery would impede the reader's ability to visualize.


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