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Hard work and dedication for my future: PROFESSIONAL GOALS



phhusm2000 6 / 4  
Nov 3, 2009   #1
Describe the environment you come from - for example, your family, community, or school - and how this environment has affected or influenced your plans for the future.

My objective is to become a professional business manager who finds a suitable role within an international cooperation, ideally with a specific focus on developing my skills in project management and leadership, business planning, market research. However, my longer-objective is to apply what I will be learning to my real business(NGO for example) so that I will get opportunities to repay the community where I grew up by assisting the people who are homeless and the disabled with worse living conditions.

When I came back in Beijing from an American high school as an exchange student, I took several months to work for a local NGO in Beijing for the disabled as I did in America before applying for Undergraduate Studies. I do realize how these people need help and support from the government and individuals. However, I found some factors, which affect the further development of NGOs. First and foremost, there are less research institutes and specific groups to study on how to improve management for such people compared to developed countries. Secondly, lack of professionals who are truly interested in running non-government funded organizations is still a huge challenge to assist such people from rounded aspects.

Therefore, by focusing my studies on business, I yearn to spread my knowledge of business across the world and even go beyond by founding my own business for the people who need the real support and assistance.

EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Nov 4, 2009   #2
Hard work and dedication are ...

"From those to whom much is given, much is required."

Not many eighteen year-olds can say that they know exactly what they want to do for living, and that is what sets me apart from others who are my age. (Right here, give a sentence that names the career you want)

Therefore, my ultimate goal in life is to improve the lives of people worldwide. To be more specific, I am interested in, 1) Giving disabled people the passion to fight for their lives and lead a full life by sports has a very long way to go and complete; 2) Imparting the...

Keep them consistent: giving and imparting.

How about if you add one sentence to the end. Something very colorful and interesting that will stay in the reader's mind.
OP phhusm2000 6 / 4  
Nov 4, 2009   #3
thank you very much ,this is my first time to submit my essay there
OP phhusm2000 6 / 4  
Nov 5, 2009   #4
This is my second time to write an essay and there I need your truly help to proofread my essay and give me your most criticism on it so that I will be receiving substantial improvement on my essays in the future. thank you very much.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Nov 5, 2009   #5
...my skills in project management, leade rship, business planning, market research.

You might want to write another sentence at the end to describe your envisioned business some more.

I can tell you are very intelligent, because your writing style is so methodical! I see no mistakes. You can use commas and different kinds of sentence structures, different rhythms, but actually your straightforward way is very good. I am impressed. I see no errors!!
OP phhusm2000 6 / 4  
Nov 5, 2009   #6
thank you Kevin, I got confidence from you. I think you have had given me some clues on writing skills but how to make more commas and sentence structure to make my essay more actractive, thank you.


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