HEY GUYS! I am an international student applying to Wisconsin Madison. It'd be awesome if you comment on my grammar, essay structure, and anything else I should correct! Thanks! Plz READ!
Consider something in life you think goes unnoticed and write about why it's important to you.
Everything flows purple at the same time like flowing water in a ballet theater. I started to get panicked. The only thing I was able to think of was "Where is daddy?" while he was already next to me. I tried to lift my arm but it did not move at all. I felt my knees give up, and my eyes go black. The last thing I saw was my dad, suddenly turning to me. I could hear my dad say something but could not understand his words. The world went silent and black. When I opened my eyes again, I found I was in a hospital.
"I think you are just too tired. Drink some more water," said doctor. Just as the doctor said this, everyone believed that I was fine. But three weeks later, I fell unconscious again.
After regaining consciousness, I started to have high fever and was not able to listen to any noise of a washing machine, traffic, or television that they all made me throw up. I begged God and Spirit of Nature for recovering, the only wish that dwelt inside me. However, there was no hospital in Mongolia that I could get treatment. My parents decided to bring me to China as they said that the only hope would be it.
The doctors finally concluded that the problem I was facing was the beginning stage of epilepsy and advised me to get treatment for a year. They also said that it is no mental disease, so I would get no potential loss or working skills, which was the news that made my parents' day.
Mother left her job to look after me. The small business that my parents once ran, the important factor that introduced me to the world of economics and finance stopped. All my family members focused on their very goal, which was to make me feel better. They gave up everything they thought was worth saving me.
Whenever people asked why my mom left her job and business, epilepsy was never her topic to speak about. I did not want epilepsy to define me either. So I decided not to quit my dancing club, Olympiad teams, and other extra-curricular activities, trying to believe what doctors said. I took the treatment regularly and did everything that I could do. As time passes, although there were times when thought of epilepsy made me cringe, there also came a time when I was able to sit inside a car again. That moment when I felt energetic as ever when interacting with people was the best feeling ever in my life that I did not have anything to worry or sorry about.
Human does not realize how important our health is like I did not. We are too busy to think about it of course. But at the end, as we are not careful enough to care, it goes away from our lives, leaving us unable to do anything.
"Everything flows purple at the same time like flowing water in a ballet theater." : I think this has the potential of being a great topic sentence, but it's a little confusing. What do you mean by "flowing water in a ballet theater"? Or are you trying to say that "everything flows purple in a ballet theater"? I think that's a little ambiguous, and if you fixed that, you would have a stronger introduction sentence.
""I think you are just too tired. Drink some more water," said doctor. Just as the doctor said this, everyone believed that I was fine." : You probably don't need to say "just as the doctor said this", since that's a little redundant.
"After regaining consciousness, I started to have high fever and was not able to listen to any noise of a washing machine, traffic, or television that they all made me throw up." : I think you should fix this to "not able to listen to a washing machine, traffic, or television, since the noise they produced made me throw up". Something like that, maybe.
"My parents decided to bring me to China as they said that the only hope would be it." : Maybe change this to "My parents decided to bring me to China as they said that would be the only hope."
"They also said that it is no mental disease, so I would get no potential loss or working skills, which was the news that made my parents' day." : I believe it should be "that it is not a mental disease". Also, maybe you could say that it was the news that made your day, since the essay is about you, not your parents.
"That moment when I felt energetic as ever when interacting with people was the best feeling ever in my life that I did not have anything to worry or sorry about." : What do you mean by "sorry about"? Do you mean "to be sorry about?"
"Human does not realize how important our health is like I did not. We are too busy to think about it of course." I think it's "humans do not realize how important our health is." And you could probably delete "We are too busy to think about it of course.", since it's redundant.
Overall, it's a good essay and it answers the prompt well. Nice job!
