'helping people has always been my passion' - UC

Please provide a Personal Statement regarding how your academic achievements, personal interests, and life experiences have helped prepare you to succeed academically and to be an active member of the UC community. Be sure your response addresses each of the three components. (Please limit your response to approximately 250 words).

Throughout high school I learned things like the quadratic formula, the parts of the human body, and the spent countless hours memorizing French vocab. However, the most important I learned was through hard work and dedication anything is possible.

Academics have always have always been something I've had to work at. My first year of high school I found myself easily distracted and my grades suffered, but Throughout high school, I've learned how manage my time and to study to achieve the grades I wanted. Through my hard work, I brought my grades up and this past cross country season, I received highest varsity GPA award as well as the scholar athlete award. Because of the troubles I've had learning how to balance my social and student life, im positive i am prepared to excel academically.

Beyond school, helping people has always been my passion. Growing up, my parents encouraged me to use my many gifts to benefit others and be an active member of my community. Enrolling, and excelling, in many extra-curricular programs such as Teen Institute and my church youth group have given me many opportunities to improve my school as well as help the community. Throughout my life, I've been blessed with the opportunity to help at a variety of organizations such as City Mission, Angle Tree, and my church run Bible School. Recently, I enjoyed volunteering at the Haven of Rest making beds, cleaning windows, and mopping floors. Due to the opportunities given to me, and the lessons I have learned throughout my life, I am confident in saying that I am well-adapted and prepared to succeed and be involved in the University of Cincinnati community.

*please provide constructive criticism. comments on strong points and weak points and what i can change to improve my essay will be greatly appreciated.

most important THING i learned that
enrolling and excelling --no commas

I think the essay has a good overall idea, but you need to work on showing, not telling. You tend to tell (Through my hard work, I've brought my grades up) instead of explain (describe the hard work you were doing, ie staying up late to study, going to the library, etc.).

New Edited Version

Throughout high school I learned things like the quadratic formula, Newton's Laws and the spent countless hours memorizing French vocab. However, the most important thing I learned was through hard work and dedication anything is possible.

Academics have always been something I've had to work at. My first year of high school I found myself easily distracted and my grades suffered, but throughout high school, I learned to manage my time and put effort into my work. I began to work hard paying attention and taking notes during class, studying for test and attending afterschool tutoring. Eventually, my grades began to rise and this past cross country season, I earned the highest varsity GPA award as well as the scholar athlete award. Because of the troubles I've had learning how to balance my social and student life, I am positive I am prepared to excel academically.

Growing up, my parents encouraged me to use my many gifts to benefit others and be an active member of my community. Enrolling and excelling in many extra-curricular programs such as Teen Institute and my church youth group have given me many opportunities to improve my school as well as help the community. Throughout my life, I've been blessed with the opportunity to help at a variety of organizations such as City Mission, Angle Tree, and Samaritan's Purse. Recently, I enjoyed volunteering at the Haven of Rest making beds, cleaning windows, and mopping floors. Due to the opportunities given to me, and the lessons I have learned throughout my life, I am confident in saying that I am well-adapted and prepared to succeed and be involved in the University of Cincinnati community.

This is a well-written essay. My only advice would be to be more specific in your examples, and possibly narrow your essay down into fewer points, dedicating space to describe the things in more detail.

You talk about doing a lot of things i would choose a few that are most important to you and go into detail on those.

Good job, but there are some mistakes.
First, maybe spell out vocabulary instead of using vocab.
Your first sentence is nice, but I think the rest of your essay doesn't match it. After a certain point you just list accomplishments and lose focus of what you are trying to say. Do less listing and more explaining. Like the person before me has said, focus on a few and go in depth on their importance and effects on you.

Good luck

I'm thinking you need to sound a little more positive and confident. Let that show through your writing. The college want to know that you are a person with a plan, that you have short term and long term goals. That said, I would just touch on those goals because the essay's topic is more about your achievements, etc.

These two phrases sound a bit weak, maybe just say these things in a more concise way. It can be hard to conclude this type of essay, but I would re-word the final sentence.

1)My first year of high school I found myself easily distracted and my grades suffered, but throughout high school, I learned to manage my time and put effort into my work. I began to work hard paying attention and taking notes during class, studying for test and attending afterschool tutoring.

2)Due to the opportunities given to me, and the lessons I have learned throughout my life, I am confident in saying that I am well-adapted and prepared to succeed and be involved in the University of Cincinnati community.