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The Hills of Haverford - Common App Essay attempt numero uno


Kandy 1 / 1  
Sep 8, 2015   #1
The lessons we take from failure can be fundamental to later success. Recount an incident or time when you experienced failure. How did it affect you, and what did you learn from the experience?

My way of writing is not the best and I know it. I feel like I am reading a middleschooler's L.A. report. Help with making my sentences sound more smooth and clear and state any grammar or awkward sounding sentences please. Please criticize very harshly cause I won't hold hard feelings.

The Hills of Haverford

As I try to remember my experiences with failure, one foolish memory comes to mind. I live in Haverford Hills, a condominium, where I spent my playful childhood days in its basketball courts with my siblings and friend. My wimpy arms went out of control one day while playing a silly game of four-square and the ball went tumbling over to the hill behind the fence. We searched the tree-covered hill to retrieve the ball only to see that it had fell down the hill and was bouncing cheerfully in the road below. Considering that the lost ball was my fault, it was also my duty to go down the slippery hill and fetch the ball back for my playmates. After I stumbled down slippery dirt and looked both ways before crossing the road, I thoroughly brought back the ball to the side of the street I belonged to. I threw the ball back to my sibling so I could climb the hill and play four-square once again.

I began to climb the slippery hill as I grabbed nearby rocks and branches for support. However, when I was almost to the top of the hill, my clumsy feet slipped along the steep hill and I was back at the base of the hill. Being the stubborn child I was, I tried again with more determination and focus. In spite of the heart and spirit I put through battling my towering foe, I failed countless times and found myself at square one. My mind was constantly telling myself to not give up and be a sore loser. On the other hand, my friend and siblings were constantly telling me to just walk around the perimeter and go in by the entrance because I kept failing. In spite of their logical reasonings I was too prideful to accept their help. I developed frustration towards them and firmly stated that I alone could do this. After many awkward attempts of the stubborn fool, I reached the summit. At last, I have succeeded with no one telling me what I could or could not do. However, we didn't play more of four-square because, I had spent one long hour and I was too covered in sweat and dirt. That day I went home full of pride with a confident, proud feeling finding success after numerous dedicated failures.

What I considered success at that time was in reality, another failure that covered me in pointless sweat and dirt and stole one good hour of fun from my friend and siblings. I could have just listened to their advice and walked back to the entrance which would have taken fifty-five minutes less. As I reflected back to this flashback of failure leading to ironic success, I learned that the common saying of, "Don't tell me what to do!" is just the same as the ignorant me trying to climb that slope. It's wise to accept unwanted advice and help from friends during a tight situation. No matter how hard I try by myself, sometimes, I will have a much better conclusion accepting defeat and my weaknesses and trying again with aid.
lcturn87 - / 435 236  
Sep 9, 2015   #2
Hello, I would like to give you feedback. There is a correction I would like to give you: -Instead of use in its basketball courts, you could use "playing basketball". The next sentence, state: "...four-square, and the ball went over the hill and behind the fence"

The next sentence, place a comma after "ball" and change fell to "fallen". Delete the word "thoroughly" and state "retrieved the ball". You can delete these words: ball to the side of the street I belonged to . The last sentence, you could state: "Then I threw the ball back to my sibling, so..."

2nd paragraph: Here is a suggestion for your first sentence: "As I climbed the slippery hill, I grabbed nearby rocks and branches for support." The next sentence, place a comma after "hill". Add a missing word: "back at square one" The next sentence delete the word "just". Place a comma after reasoning. You could delete a word: "have succeeded". Here is another correction: "However, we didn't play more of the game, four-square, because I had spent one long hour climbing and I was too covered in sweat and dirt."

3rd paragraph: Change the word order: "During that time what I considered success, was another failure that covered me in pointless sweat, dirt,and stole one good hour of fun from my friends and siblings." Place a comma after entrance. I think you should combine the next two sentences: "As I reflected back to this flashback of failure,I learned that it's wise to accept unwanted advice and help from friends during a tight situation." (You could be more specific and replace tight with "difficult"). Change the end of the last sentence to: "...defeat, my weakness, and trying again with aid."

Most of the errors existed because of missing commas. This was a good recollection of your past. I hope this helps!
OP Kandy 1 / 1  
Sep 9, 2015   #3
just

Thanks a lot for the help!
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Sep 15, 2015   #4
- As I try to remember my experiences with failurethat failed ,
- ...siblings and a friend.
- ...went tumblingrollingover todown the...
- ...hill behindand over the fence.
- ...I thoroughlyhurriedly (I believe this word suits the sentence better) brought the ball back the ball to...
- the side of the street Iwhere it belonged to.
- I threw the ball back to my siblings so I could..

- In spite of their logical reasoningsthe logic
- I was too prideful tokept my pride and didn't accept their help.
-That day I went home full ofwith pride with a confidentand confidence ,
- a proud feeling finding success after numerous dedicated failures.

- As I reflected back to this flashbacks of failure leading..

Very well written, you were able to elaborate such an event in your life and yes sometimes help is just what we need to succeed.

I hope the remarks I made help you too.


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