Many say that your past has a lot to do with who you become in the future. I can see where they are coming from. Growing up in my Hispanic culture I have learned many things about myself. The women in my family always stressed the idea of independence, such as many Hispanic women. Stating that "you need no one but yourself to become someone in life", and I did believe it to an extent, but I always questioned the fact that I had such strong and independent women in my family, yet they were struggling through life. So how exactly could I live by this motto if I did not see the grandeur outcome? Now that I have matured I understand what they mean with more depth and clarity. My family didn't necessarily mean I needed to become someone, they meant that to be my own person and to gain respect I needed no one. And even though they were struggling they were still admired and respected. This gave me the perseverance to be the hard working and independent woman I am today. And although, I have been raised with the idea of independence, I know that others may sometimes need a push or two throughout life, and I am there to be a back bone for those who need it.
This is what I wrote, please give me feedback if I can improve it or what I can do to make it better, I am unsure about it:/
Thanks a lot!
I think your essay was okay but you didn't really explain: "WHO YOU ARE". I feel that you emphasized more on what your family has instilled in you and not so much how this influence has mad you,you.
Thank you , I knew there was something wrong with it but I could not pinpoint it, your answer helped tons!
Do you mind looking at my other essay?
What qualities or unique characteristics do you possess that would allow you to contribute to the UCF community?
I always recall playtime, I would be the first little girl to run to play doctor. It was this overboard obsession I had with the idea of the medical field. And most saw it as just a "playtime" thing, but as I grew up the obsession grew into a passion for the medical field, and I knew it was not just a childhood dream, it was my goal. I pursued my goal by applying to a technical high school that offered courses in the Health Academy. And so I chose to be part of the Pharmacy Program. I knew that enrolling into this program would mean that I would have to sacrifice my time in order to persevere and achieve my goal.
At my mere age of seventeen, I can say that I have gained an incredible amount of experience and insight in the medical field. I have been presented with such opportunity such as an internship at Walgreens Pharmacy, gaining hands on experience and observation of how to work in the field of Pharmacy. As I exit high school I will be able to graduate with certification as a Pharmacy Technician.
Having been exposed to such a great opportunity in life has provided me with a gateway that most don't have as they enter into the field. I have been exposed to both the learning aspect of Pharmacy and hands on experience, leaving me highly prepared and qualified. I will be able to assist the community of UCF with my knowledge and experience by helping others entering the medical field, providing insight. As well as helping the medical community in research and projects.
Hi Martha If I may, I have a few of suggestions
Firts I would suggest you changing that word "OBSESSION" makes it sound like something wrong or sick, since you are talking about the emotion or the feeling that inspired you, you might as well try to find a more suitable word for example enthusiasm.
In the sentence "It was this overboard obsession I had with the idea of the medical field." I found it somehow vague because it looks like you are going to imply into something but then you just stoped, so you cant try to rephrase it.
I have one last suggestion, of course, with all due respect.
take a look into this.
"I pursued my goal by applying to a technical high school that offered courses in the Health Academy. And so I chose to be part of the Pharmacy Program. I knew that enrolling into this program would mean that I would have to sacrifice my time in order to persevere and achieve my goal".
"In order to persue that goal, I applied to a technical high school which offered courses in the health academy, and as an example of my dedication and perseverance I decided to enroll into the pharmacy program, which meant sacrifice but also an important step towards my goal".
The first lines of your essay are ok as an introduction but then try to give it a more formal touch. They are asking you for the qualities or unique characteristics you possess, so first find some "keywords" such as perseverance, dedication, or the ones that you think you possess, and from there start composing your essay.
I will be able to assist the community of UCF with my knowledge and experience by helping others entering the medical field, providing insight, as well as helping the medical community in research and projects. I combined the last two sentences because the latter was not a complete; it lacked a subject.