Hockey, the game and sport and my passion; PERSONAL STATEMENT

Hockey. A game, a sport, my passion. Since six years of age I've been playing hockey and progressed tremendously as a very well rounded player. This talent I have been given was not just my own effort, but from the love and support of my family. Both my parents are such substantial influences on me, and I would have never acquired any interest for hockey or many other sports if it was not for their constant push to strive and be the best that I can be.

Traveling was a have to when it came to playing on a travel team. Going all over the United States and even to Canada caused a lot of time and money which wasn't always easy for my parents. It's difficult getting me to everyone of my games, taking all this time off work, and always in the stands cheering for me every single game. On top of all that they need to take care of my older sister and all her needs. If that does not show true commitment to your children what does?

At age fifteen I tried out, worked hard, and successfully made Team USA. This was a very great honor, only the best kids in the nation made this team, and I was one of them. Going four and zero our first games, we strove to be the best team all around, but the first playoff game we went down. There was no need to frown, next year I was in the Jr. Olympics and received the "All American" award. This is the highest award for one single player in their age bracket which represents true dedication, leadership, and corporation skill. The award represented my hard work and dedication especially being the only one in my leagues to achieve this award. It reflects to others the kind of person that I am and the team player that I've become. Without my family I could not have become the very well rounded man I am today and received all my achievements I have so far in life.

This sounds like it could be an entire essay! If I were you I would create a hook. Something along the lines of When I was 15 I made Team USA Hockey(or what ever it's called.) That one sentence oversimplifies the dedication, blah, blah, blah you get what I mean. This essay is a great opportunity to show admissions that not only are you a great athlete, but you're a hard worker whose dedicated and displays leadership potential.

How ever I would change the beginning, and go from there. You pretty much have the entire thing written and it is good, I just think it could be better.

Hockey. A game, a sport, my passion. Too dramatic! Show, don't tell. Show them through example.

Since six years of age I've been playing hockey and progressed tremendously as a very well rounded player. ----This is a good start, but it is good advice you got from chelk: create something to hook and intrigue the reader.

This talent I have been given was not just my own effort, but from the love and support of my family. Both my parents are such substantial influences on me, and I would have never acquired any interest for hockey or many other sports if it was not for their constant push to strive and be the best that I can be.

Traveling was a have to when it came to playing on a travel team. obviously!

Going all over the United States, and even to Canada, on the Travel Team caused cost a lot of time and money which ...

That last sentence of the essay is maybe a little too boastful, and it is also too general and vague. I think you could leave the reader with "something extra" to think about at the end... something more meaningful than this reaffirmation that you owe gratitude to your parents, because you already made that point.

:-)