I need feedback from this essay. I just finished putting it together and I can't decide how I feel about it. Any criticism would be helpful! Thank you!
1. Stanford students possess intellectual vitality. Reflect on an idea or experience that has been important to your intellectual development.
Laying down on a couch, I look up to the face of the hypnotist.
"As I count from ten to one, you will sink deeper and deeper into sleep. Ten... nine..."
My eyes feel heavy as they slide shut.
"eight... seven..."
My legs and hips begin to feel loose.
"six... five..."
The rest of my body loosens up, making me feel like a rag doll.
" four... three... two... one. You are now in a deep sleep. Recall an important memory about a day that you decided to pursue Criminal Psychology. Tell me, what date is it?"
"It's the summer of 2010, my family and I are back in La Paz, Bolivia."
"Okay now lets narrow it down to one day in particular. Can you tell me what events inspired your decision? "
"I'm with my eleven year old nephew, Julian. He's showing me something on the his old computer on Facebook. A white box just popped up on the screen. He is typing out a computer code in that box."
"Can you tell me why he did that?"
"He wants to show me something on my Facebook page. My profile picture. Julian changed the original picture to one of just him and me without ever logging into my account."
"Why does that day matter?"
"It made me think."
"Think about what?"
"About a lot of things. My uncle was the smartest and possibly the poorest of his classmates when he was a child. Now he is a successful business man who lives in a penthouse suite. My father didn't have enough money to buy toys as a child so he would create toys out of cardboard. Now he is a retired architect professor. Julian is barely eleven and not only has he already found his passion but he is also teaching it to himself."
"What does that have to do with you?"
"I want to live up to these achievements. They are real life proof that change is possible; that knowledge is worth all the hard work. I made a promise to myself that someday, I will inspire someone with my passion the way these men inspired me with theirs."
"Come back to the present, you may now wake up."
1. Stanford students possess intellectual vitality. Reflect on an idea or experience that has been important to your intellectual development.
Laying down on a couch, I look up to the face of the hypnotist.
"As I count from ten to one, you will sink deeper and deeper into sleep. Ten... nine..."
My eyes feel heavy as they slide shut.
"eight... seven..."
My legs and hips begin to feel loose.
"six... five..."
The rest of my body loosens up, making me feel like a rag doll.
" four... three... two... one. You are now in a deep sleep. Recall an important memory about a day that you decided to pursue Criminal Psychology. Tell me, what date is it?"
"It's the summer of 2010, my family and I are back in La Paz, Bolivia."
"Okay now lets narrow it down to one day in particular. Can you tell me what events inspired your decision? "
"I'm with my eleven year old nephew, Julian. He's showing me something on the his old computer on Facebook. A white box just popped up on the screen. He is typing out a computer code in that box."
"Can you tell me why he did that?"
"He wants to show me something on my Facebook page. My profile picture. Julian changed the original picture to one of just him and me without ever logging into my account."
"Why does that day matter?"
"It made me think."
"Think about what?"
"About a lot of things. My uncle was the smartest and possibly the poorest of his classmates when he was a child. Now he is a successful business man who lives in a penthouse suite. My father didn't have enough money to buy toys as a child so he would create toys out of cardboard. Now he is a retired architect professor. Julian is barely eleven and not only has he already found his passion but he is also teaching it to himself."
"What does that have to do with you?"
"I want to live up to these achievements. They are real life proof that change is possible; that knowledge is worth all the hard work. I made a promise to myself that someday, I will inspire someone with my passion the way these men inspired me with theirs."
"Come back to the present, you may now wake up."
