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"hope is itself our life" - Cristo has had a significant influence on me


Chelo 5 / 13  
Jan 15, 2011   #1
Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.

Hello guys, this is my essay for common app. any feedback from your side will be greatly appreciated, be as critical as you want.
Deadline is today so please write what you think. Thanks in advance

Everywhere its darkness and silence, no light not even any shiny sparkle to be seen; there are only vague shapes of walls, every object seems to be both moving and still, it's perfectly controlled by a mysterious power, something is approaching and it is very difficult to identify the whisper "life is pain" - really? I guess this is life in perception of the person who has lost any hope and has no motivation to continue living. Everything for him lacks essence; nothing is as valuable for him as himself. Such condition makes a human lost in his private universe of seemingly ill scene.

Once I have asked myself: "what is the life?" - Unfortunately I didn't get the answer I expected, since I heard about a person who has knocked down all the obstacles and said: "I have a hope, and I always used to be". Hope - I associated this word with life, and I got "hope is itself our life". This man had changed my perceptions about many things, concerned to life and not only. I am talking about a person who is infected with AIDS, has wife and three children who are more than enough motivation for him to live for. I was impressed with his contributions in combating the stigma. The fact that he overcame the disease psychologically, surprised me (as it's undeniable that, majority of the infected people, as I have mentioned above, lose their desire to live). This person is Cristo Ingles, the man who became the symbol of life for me. This man helped me to realize that one should always continue fighting for his life, no matter how dramatic the situation is.
mbirabaharan 2 / 8  
Jan 15, 2011   #2
If it is the commonapp essay there really is no page limit, so my suggestion would be to expand a little? Yes I know, its about quality not quantity, but I think if you speak about how this person influences you today with specific examples it will greatly enhance your essay. Good imagery in the beginning though, had to read the second paragraph though to truly grasp it. I would correct grammar if it was not for the fact I am horrendous at it, there is no blatant mistakes that I see.
martesha 1 / 2  
Jan 15, 2011   #3
I also feel as though you should write more you always want to go above and beyond. What situation have you been in where you feel like you had to fight for your life no matter what ? elaborate more on that. Put more of you into the essay because the college is looking for how it has effected you and how you deal with your problems. I hope this helps I my self am doin an essay and i am putting up my final draft I would apprecate it if you would take the time out to look over my admissions essay as well today is its deadline. thanks and good luck to all of us
EF_Susan - / 2,364 12  
Jan 21, 2011   #4
Everywhere its darkness and silence, no light not even any shiny sparkle to be seen---wow, beautiful... I really enjoyed this sentence because of the part about sparkles. I think "its" is being used for "it is," right? Use an apostrophe: it's

Capitalize:
Once I have asked myself: "what What is the life?" - Unfortunately I didn't get the answer I expected, since I heard about...

"I have a hope, and I always used to be".---unclear. What does this mean?

Excellent... you have a great style. Let's just try to clear up the meaning of this sentence above.
OP Chelo 5 / 13  
Jan 26, 2011   #5
Thank you very much EF Susan. Unfortunately I have already sent this essay to colleges, I corrected some parts of it and added a little. Thanks again


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