Looking for some feedback on this. I know it's late notice, but I only just found this forum.
The Admissions Committee would like to know more about you in your own words. Please submit a brief essay, either personal or creative, which you feel best describes you.
I've never understood the fascination some people seem to have with things that can go wrong and kill them. Parachuting, rock climbing, base jumping - all extreme sports which, while probably definitely very safe, look like they'll definitely probably kill me. I don't want each adrenaline rush to have a good chance of being the last I'll ever have, which is why I steer clear of these death-defying stunts.
We all need our fix, though - a blast of fun to remind us what it feels like to truly live, rather than just exist. I get mine from arguing. Whether you feel like you've won or lost at the end, a good debate on an interesting subject beats some paltry mid-air acrobatics while plummeting from an aircraft, hands down. From what the vase symbolises in the novel Atonement, to the rights and wrongs of authoritarian government, to who was to blame for the cold war, my classes are built around my love of debating.
It's one thing to debate in a structured environment, where points are awarded for good arguments or for deftly refuting an opponent's speech and where listening isn't just essential, it's mandatory. In the outside world, when you're debating an injustice, you first have to get the ear of those you want to convince. This was the dilemma we faced when the local supermarket implemented a new policy allowing only two students into the store at a time. They refused negotiation, so a friend and I took the first step in organising a large group of teenagers - we started a Facebook group, calling on the affected to help "End Tesco Discrimination". The title may have been dramatic, but through the group we were able to organise a letter-writing campaign which gained the sympathy of local politicians and the local press. The satisfaction of seeing headlines decrying Tesco policies on the front pages of newspapers they sold in their very store, for me, matched the thrill of the debate. The negative press brought the store's management to the negotiating table - we had their ear. Myself and two other prefects were chosen to represent the school, and thanks to intervention by their headquarters, we were quickly able to overturn the policy.
I must admit, I have always felt a certain amount of guilt about my upbringing. It's certainly not admissions essay material. Rather, my life has been - dare I say it - normal. Privileged, even. My parents, one of whom comes from a working-class background in an industrial city and the other from Italian immigrants who lost everything they had during the Second World War, have together built a life for me which has been easy to live. I've never experienced those challenges, those obstacles, which shape so many people. I've experienced them indirectly; my friends at school have had to suffer through financial and personal problems which nobody deserves. Further afield, across the world, people experience our worst fears every day, be it famine, drought or persecution - enough to earn them about thirty seconds of airtime on the news.
The worst such atrocity of recent times was, of course, the Rwandan Genocide. I was shocked when I first learned of it - how could I have never heard of something which killed more than half a million people? The way in which western governments made the decisions which not only did not stop but even encouraged the violence intrigued me from a historical standpoint, and struggling to understand the reasons why they made the decisions which may have put so many people to death provoked a desire to study International Politics. I want to gain an understanding of statecraft, so that one day I will be in a position to help end such horrific crimes against humanity. I want to start a career in the British Foreign Office, and to join the scores of men and women who did change the world, and who were given the tools they needed to do so by Georgetown University.
I don't think you should sound so negative in your first two paragraphs. You don't really need this this anyway, with the way you're approaching the topic - the space could be used for better stuff - just a suggestionI get mine from arguing.
try a dfferent synonym of "arguing"
It's one thing to debate in a structured environment, where points are awarded for good arguments or for deftly refuting an opponent's speech
and where listening isn't just essential, it's mandatory .
When debating an injustice i n the outside world however,
when you're debating an injustice, you first have to get the ear of those you want to convince.
do you mean get the attention of the people you want to convince?so a friend and I took the
first step in organisinginitiative to organize a large group of teenagers
...You seem to jump from loving debating and political stuff to wanting to help people who are suffering...
I think it would be better if you changed the entire essay to explain that your participation in debating is caused by your desire to utilize your experiences of debating and mix it with your hopes to return politics to the old ways of integrity and actually helping the people...
That's what it seems you really wanted to say
Good Luck! Yeah, the transition between paragraphs 3 and 4 is awful - they're parts of two different essays which I stitched together, and is actually the main reason I posted it on here. I might take your advice in making it all about debating - say why I like it, what it lets me do, who I hope it will let me become, etc.
Thanks SO much for your response! Do you have an essay somewhere so I could give you some feedback in return?
