'idyllic day by the lake' - - Emerson College Essay

I REALLY NEED HELP ON THIS! i dont know if this is a good story and a title to title my life. HELP!!! THANKS!

We understand that the college application process often feels stressful, when instead it should be an opportunity for self-reflection. Stop worrying for a minute and have fun with this response. Much of the work that students do at Emerson College is a form of storytelling. If you were to write the story of your life until now, what would you title it and why? Please be brief (100-200 words).

It started out as a clear, idyllic day by the lake. My brother, Kevin, and I were taking a hike in the woods, when a storm of grey clouds started to hover over the light blue sky. As Kevin quickly left the woods, I was still hopping over stepping stones of the woods. As the rain began to pour down, the dry, crusty dirt formed into liquidly mud, causing my flip flops to slip through; I found myself stuck in the woods. I tried to find a way out, but the rain had attracted a huge, thick snake that was blocking my path; I was terrified. As I stared at the snake, curved up and hissing at me with red, evil eyes, I lost hope. I began to cry my eyes out as I slowly stepped back from the snake. I sprinted through the woods, trying to find another way out. My heart was pumping as hard as the rain was pouring down. Finally, I found a pathway; as I stepped onto the road, all my fears vanished. I realized how life throws difficult tasks in front of me, but there are always a way out; this gives my life the title of "Never Give Up".

Hey Jerry.

I am not a professional editor, but here goes.
Firstly, just curious was this a real experience of yours?

I think I understand the concept, that despite the challenges and difficulties that life may throw at you, never give up.
Pretty descriptive, and as a story it is okay. Back to my first question, if it was a real experience because it sounds a little exaggerated/embellished at some points.


Missing: As I stared at the snake, it curved up


Suggestion: Finally, I found a pathway and, as I stepped onto the road all my fears vanished!


Suggestion: I realized in that moment that life may throw difficult tasks at me, but there will always be a way out. My life in summation: "Never Give Up".

Hope this helps!

I agree with ZhoeK, this is not a badly written story, but to me it sounds fake. Many parts of it sound over-dramitized--(As I stared at the snake, curved up and hissing at me with red, evil eyes, I lost hope. I began to cry my eyes out as I slowly stepped back from the snake.)--and the admissions officers will proably question if this was a genuine experience of yours. I would suggest writing about an experience that is less dramatic and with a ending that is a bit less cliched. But on the plus side, you have pretty solid writing skills. Good luck!!

it was a true story....does it really sound fake?
like i was terrified for months and till this day i hate that woods....
should i change something that would not make it seem fake?
or should i come up with a totally different story?
HELP!

Ahh, well you could either re-write it but try to be more realistic in your expression. Failing that you could chose something else that fascinates you...

i really dont have anything else that i can talk about...my life is usually just work work work :/ so this is like a hard topic for me but if i re-write this story...what do you think i should change?

First take a deep breath and envision that same day. (well if you can) Remember the sights, smells and how you felt and write from your heart/gut. Generally try not to be too over the top with figures of speech, just write about the experience and how it made you realize that you should never give up.

Maybe a should use a work experience since you work a lot.