This is an essay I wrote for my transfer application to Industrial Design program at Philadelphia University. Here is the prompt:
"Please provide a statement (250 words minimum) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve."
As my peers passed me by, on their ways to new schools, new states, new lives, I remained still in hesitation. For four years we had been incessantly encouraged by the high school administration to continue onto the path of higher education, but at the time I was not entirely sure that it was the right path for me. I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life and to proceed to a four-year college without any particular aim would be to blindly follow the herd. Instead, I decided that I would enroll part-time at my local community college, and work a full-time job so that I could support myself while constructing a plan for my future. After two years of contemplation and maturation, I feel that I am now prepared to follow that path.
As a technician at a cable company, I have learned how to operate strategically and tactfully within a fast-paced small business. My job requires me to work and communicate with others in order to troubleshoot and solve problems, which I believe is an asset that will prove to be advantageous in a college setting. My job has instilled in me valuable lessons in responsibility and cooperation, but has also confirmed my belief that the career I pursue must be a creative one. The work that I do is technical, systematic, and colorless; it offers no stimulation to me because it is absent of any capacity for creativity. Before all things, it is art that I am most passionate about, and one day I would like to do work that grants me the liberty to solve problems creatively.
As an art student, I have take progressive steps toward that aspiration. By taking night classes at my community college, I've kept my mind sharp and continued to foster my artistic ambition. Classes in writing, design, and fine art have encouraged and inspired my educational progress. I have spent the last two years figuring out what I want to do with my life while concurrently striving to better myself. I have developed the ethics, skills and confidence that I feel are necessary to succeed in a college domain.
In transferring to Philadelphia University, I hope to immerse myself in an environment that will expand my mind creatively and intellectually, as well as further my growth as an individual. In the same way that I consider my own life and its potential for improvement, I examine the physical world that I live in, the objects that I interact with, and the systems that accommodate my existence. This natural tendency, coupled with a love for making art, are qualities that make me a prime candidate for the Industrial Design program.
I plan to devote the next few years of my life toward attaining a career in design. I intend to put my full focus into learning and harnessing the skills and crafts necessary to create new things, and to work to improve the quality of life through problem solving and innovation.
The point I'm trying to get across in this essay is that not immediately rushing into college after high school gave me time to mature and think about what my future. Also, spending time in the working world gave me a mentality that is beneficial to a college education.
This essay is too long. It's 503 words which is twice the required length. I would really appreciate some constructive criticism regarding how I can cut this down and make it more clear/concise.
Also, do you think that the prompt has been successfully answered or not?
Thankyou thankyou,
Tim
"Please provide a statement (250 words minimum) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve."
As my peers passed me by, on their ways to new schools, new states, new lives, I remained still in hesitation. For four years we had been incessantly encouraged by the high school administration to continue onto the path of higher education, but at the time I was not entirely sure that it was the right path for me. I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life and to proceed to a four-year college without any particular aim would be to blindly follow the herd. Instead, I decided that I would enroll part-time at my local community college, and work a full-time job so that I could support myself while constructing a plan for my future. After two years of contemplation and maturation, I feel that I am now prepared to follow that path.
As a technician at a cable company, I have learned how to operate strategically and tactfully within a fast-paced small business. My job requires me to work and communicate with others in order to troubleshoot and solve problems, which I believe is an asset that will prove to be advantageous in a college setting. My job has instilled in me valuable lessons in responsibility and cooperation, but has also confirmed my belief that the career I pursue must be a creative one. The work that I do is technical, systematic, and colorless; it offers no stimulation to me because it is absent of any capacity for creativity. Before all things, it is art that I am most passionate about, and one day I would like to do work that grants me the liberty to solve problems creatively.
As an art student, I have take progressive steps toward that aspiration. By taking night classes at my community college, I've kept my mind sharp and continued to foster my artistic ambition. Classes in writing, design, and fine art have encouraged and inspired my educational progress. I have spent the last two years figuring out what I want to do with my life while concurrently striving to better myself. I have developed the ethics, skills and confidence that I feel are necessary to succeed in a college domain.
In transferring to Philadelphia University, I hope to immerse myself in an environment that will expand my mind creatively and intellectually, as well as further my growth as an individual. In the same way that I consider my own life and its potential for improvement, I examine the physical world that I live in, the objects that I interact with, and the systems that accommodate my existence. This natural tendency, coupled with a love for making art, are qualities that make me a prime candidate for the Industrial Design program.
I plan to devote the next few years of my life toward attaining a career in design. I intend to put my full focus into learning and harnessing the skills and crafts necessary to create new things, and to work to improve the quality of life through problem solving and innovation.
The point I'm trying to get across in this essay is that not immediately rushing into college after high school gave me time to mature and think about what my future. Also, spending time in the working world gave me a mentality that is beneficial to a college education.
This essay is too long. It's 503 words which is twice the required length. I would really appreciate some constructive criticism regarding how I can cut this down and make it more clear/concise.
Also, do you think that the prompt has been successfully answered or not?
Thankyou thankyou,
Tim