Include a short response explaining why you want to attend Brandeis.

When I asked my dad which universities I should apply to, only two words came out of his mouth-Brandeis University. Having ranked in the first tier on the list of best national universities compiled by US News and World Report, Brandeis is, no doubt, one of the best colleges in the country. In addition, it is also internationally renowned for its emphasis on undergraduate education, its high academic quality, as well as its colossal number of student organizations.

Browsing through the list of notable alumni, I caught sight of numerous distinguished names of individuals who helped shape the world in their own unique ways. For example, Myra Kraft, a 1964 graduate of Brandeis, distributed millions of dollars to various institutions from the Children's Hospital Boston to the United Way of Massachusetts. And Olaf Olafsson, after receiving a bachelor's degree from Brandeis, helped Sony launch the well-known PlayStation game console.

Another aspect of the university that attracted me is the diverse student body of the institution. Being a socially curious person from another country, I am eager to meet and to live with students of different ethnicities and backgrounds. With the different array of cultures and customs, Brandeis will create the feeling of living in a global village.

If I am accepted to this university, I plan to be very active in this school both academically and socially. Furthermore, like the alumni, I will make a positive impact on the university as well as on the larger community.

This is really solid! I really live how you've included some descriptions about the alumni and their contributions to the world. It shows you've done your research and you're really interested in this college. The only thing I would change is the concluding sentences. I think you should incorporate how you were inspired by the alumni and how you are going to impact the world someday by attending this school rather than saying that you will improve the school.

Being an Asian immigrant, I am eager to meet and to live with students of different ethnicities and backgrounds .

I'm a little worried about your introduction, specifically, your mention of your desire to attend Brandeis being affected by its listing on the USNWR rankings. This makes it appear like you were scrolling down the list of top colleges and only considering the ones ranked near the top. Cut the whole ranking thing, and if you must, put it somewhere NOT in the introduction or try to make it not sound like you picked Brandeis because of its specific rank (31). You can say that "the rankings certainly do not contradict me" or something, but try not to state it so clearly.

Also, the conclusion is a bit abrupt. Your final sentence doesn't make sense because you are not trying to meet the expectations of the average student. You are trying to meet or exceed what is expected of those students. Catch my drift? But anyways, I'm not even sure that's a good sentence to put down, because you are directly comparing the student body of Brandeis to yourself. Having never gone to Brandeis and knowing absolutely nothing about what is expected of students there aside from possibly information from friends or family, do you really want to make such a strong statement? Also, referring to the sentence I corrected at the top of my post, how does being an Asian immigrant make you want to live with students of different ethnicities and backgrounds? How about being a socially curious person, or a person that enjoys diversity?

But anyways, I like how you wrote about Brandeis's alumni and their different roles. Shows you care enough about the school to research that. Good job.

This is well-written! But what is the effect you will have on the larger community? I think it would be great if you decide on a career and pretend that you are certain it is the career of your dreams... that way, you can get inspired and write about some specific resources at the school. Right now, it seems like you are just writing about the school catalog, stating all the things about ranking and notable graduates. This should be more about you and less about Brandeis.

One more thing: it would be more impressive if it said:
When my dad asked which universities I would apply to, only two words came out of my mouth: Brandeis University.