Hey, I'm sure there's tons of these around here, but if anyone could find the time to read my essay and give me some feedback as soon as possible, it would be greatly appreciated. My Essay is a tad too long (if about a 115 words over can be called a tad), and I need some advice on shortening it.
The Essay Option i chose was B where you had to "Describe the world you come from, for example your family, clubs, school, community, city, or town. How has that world shaped your dreams and aspirations?"
India Career - Here's my Essay
Though the world I come from has now disappeared, there are a few remnants and my much-cherished memories that can paint a shadowy picture of it. I was born into a very old-fashioned world, in the days before technology took its full hold over it, and transformed it into what it is today. This place where I spent twelve years of my life, and returned to every summer after that, was a city called Secunderabad, in the country of India. I lived with a large family consisting of my grandparents, uncles, aunts, and later their children and my father. I attended an all-girls convent day-school named St. Ann's School, according to the family tradition. Though I lived in a traditional world, I was allowed several liberties of speech, dress and education, by my family. Being as I was naturally curious, I was further encouraged by my family to extend that curiosity to my studies and learning, which I did.
My family did not withhold any educational benefit from me. On the contrary, they allowed me to begin my education far earlier than most children. My interest in the field of Science developed early on, especially when I was presented with an encyclopedia set for my sixth birthday by my maternal grandmother. Many more of the similar kind followed, and as I was already a voracious reader, I eagerly devoured any information I was presented with. Though at the time technology did not reign supreme as it does now, I still had better access to it, than many of my peers, from a young age. I had a computer at my disposal at the age of six, which in itself was a great thing in my city.
I was always encouraged to aim my career goal high, and was sure to be supported by my family no matter what I chose. Since both my parents were highly educated, I did not wish to be anything less. By the time I had completed seven years, I had decided with the full approval of my family to become a scientist. However, I remained unsure of my field for a long while after. Though my family in India had never discouraged me in anything, that soon changed when I immigrated to Canada in 2003. The latter helped me in its own way, by providing more challenges and boundaries than I had ever faced before.
In India, I was not alone in choosing an intellectually challenging career, but surprisingly almost everyone I met in Canada did not have career aims as high as mine. Everyone seemed to be content with dreaming of and living the most ordinary lives possible. In contrast to my home in India, I was not encouraged in my career by many of my peers. I was often told that it was impossible, and too hard to achieve. However, perhaps due to a perversity of spirit, the more I was oppressed the harder I worked towards my goal. The more I was told of its impossibility, the more I believed it could be achieved.
I had always wanted to have an impact on the world, to do something great that would help many creatures on this planet. I dreamed of being the next Edison or Einstein, and I still do, but the only difference is that now my path is clearer than it was when I had only dreams. As I worked my way through high school I could focus on my precise career and further education that I would be certain to love. My life in both countries helped me; each in its own way to decide what I truly want from life as a career.
If there are any grammatical errors, and unnecessary information, (which I'm sure there are plenty of), please notify me.
Thank You!
The Essay Option i chose was B where you had to "Describe the world you come from, for example your family, clubs, school, community, city, or town. How has that world shaped your dreams and aspirations?"
India Career - Here's my Essay
Though the world I come from has now disappeared, there are a few remnants and my much-cherished memories that can paint a shadowy picture of it. I was born into a very old-fashioned world, in the days before technology took its full hold over it, and transformed it into what it is today. This place where I spent twelve years of my life, and returned to every summer after that, was a city called Secunderabad, in the country of India. I lived with a large family consisting of my grandparents, uncles, aunts, and later their children and my father. I attended an all-girls convent day-school named St. Ann's School, according to the family tradition. Though I lived in a traditional world, I was allowed several liberties of speech, dress and education, by my family. Being as I was naturally curious, I was further encouraged by my family to extend that curiosity to my studies and learning, which I did.
My family did not withhold any educational benefit from me. On the contrary, they allowed me to begin my education far earlier than most children. My interest in the field of Science developed early on, especially when I was presented with an encyclopedia set for my sixth birthday by my maternal grandmother. Many more of the similar kind followed, and as I was already a voracious reader, I eagerly devoured any information I was presented with. Though at the time technology did not reign supreme as it does now, I still had better access to it, than many of my peers, from a young age. I had a computer at my disposal at the age of six, which in itself was a great thing in my city.
I was always encouraged to aim my career goal high, and was sure to be supported by my family no matter what I chose. Since both my parents were highly educated, I did not wish to be anything less. By the time I had completed seven years, I had decided with the full approval of my family to become a scientist. However, I remained unsure of my field for a long while after. Though my family in India had never discouraged me in anything, that soon changed when I immigrated to Canada in 2003. The latter helped me in its own way, by providing more challenges and boundaries than I had ever faced before.
In India, I was not alone in choosing an intellectually challenging career, but surprisingly almost everyone I met in Canada did not have career aims as high as mine. Everyone seemed to be content with dreaming of and living the most ordinary lives possible. In contrast to my home in India, I was not encouraged in my career by many of my peers. I was often told that it was impossible, and too hard to achieve. However, perhaps due to a perversity of spirit, the more I was oppressed the harder I worked towards my goal. The more I was told of its impossibility, the more I believed it could be achieved.
I had always wanted to have an impact on the world, to do something great that would help many creatures on this planet. I dreamed of being the next Edison or Einstein, and I still do, but the only difference is that now my path is clearer than it was when I had only dreams. As I worked my way through high school I could focus on my precise career and further education that I would be certain to love. My life in both countries helped me; each in its own way to decide what I truly want from life as a career.
If there are any grammatical errors, and unnecessary information, (which I'm sure there are plenty of), please notify me.
Thank You!