"an intel officer" - University of Texas at Austin admissions essay

PROMPT:

The statement of purpose will provide an opportunity to explain any extenuating circumstances that you feel could add value to your application. You may also want to explain unique aspects of your academic background or valued experiences you may have had that relate to your academic discipline. The statement of purpose is not meant to be a listing of accomplishments in high school or a record of your participation in school-related activities. Rather, this is your opportunity to address the admissions committee directly and to let us know more about you as an individual, in a manner that your transcripts and other application information cannot convey.

ESSAY:

Becoming a commissioned intelligence officer in the U.S. Air Force has been my highest aspiration over the last three years. It will allow me the chance to not only address international security concerns, support Americans in combat zones worldwide, and foster stronger cross-cultural understanding but also to gain invaluable leadership and foreign affairs experience. These exceptional opportunities for professional development considered in concert with the higher quality of life I will be able to provide for my family are what attract me so strongly to pursuing this career path.

First, I must complete a bachelor of liberal arts degree in Middle Eastern Studies (MES). I am drawn to The University of Texas at Austin, primarily, because of the academic environment. Professor S. Akbar Hyder's expertise regarding Islam in the Asian sub-continent, and the work of the summer intensive language program are of particular interest to me. Additionally, in 1985, Richard Moll listed UT Austin among the original eight "public ivy" institutions; thus, it is no surprise that the MES program is held in high esteem throughout both academic and professional circles. Naturally, I want to be a part of one of the best programs around, but of equal importance is my desire to be a part of the university as a whole. Despite not being a student, I feel that I have an ingrained connection with UT. I am the son, nephew and cousin of Texas alumni, brother of the current mascot, and I share my namesake with the state capitol.

Austin,

You have written a very concise essay, indeed. I can relate to your aspirations, as I was once a member of the armed forces; however, I did not attain my education beyond high school until after I left the military. I often thought about going back in and making it a career as an officer.

You seem to have listed all of the attributes of becoming an officer, as well as your own desires to pursue such a goal. You clearly defined the University in Austin as a choice because of the program that is offered there.

I cannot find fault with your essay. It was very well written. I wish you luck with your endeavors.

Mark

Great use of the word splat. ha ha...

Your long paragraph, the anecdotes, the stuff about family and military service... you have the ability to make a strong theme... so that this will be a message about giving 100% and making life meaningful through focused work and good intentions.

But before you can do that you MUST cut out the fluff:


Sounds like a brochure.


Waste of a sentence.


Waste of a sentence. Don't waste a sentence saying you are about to write sentences with reasons. Just write the sentences with reasons.


All this stuff has to go. To say the least is fluff, of course is fluff, and it is super fluffy to say the faculty consists of experts in various subjects. It would be a sad institution if it did not have experts in various subjects.

Cut out the fluff, and expound your theme. That is the art of writing... like Miyagi pruning a Bonsai tree, cut out what is extra and make every sentence artfully open up the reader's attention to ONE central idea.

So... what is your theme?