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"After I took a psychology course..." - University of Texas at Austin Essay


lrnsmith09 5 / 11  
Jan 12, 2009   #1
Hi! Need some help with one of my final college essays! Does the essay fit the prompt, is it grammatically sound? Please be very honest! This is the most important essay I will ever write. Thanks!

Choose an issue of importance to you-the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope-and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation.

My junior year I read in article in TIME magazine, I was taking an advanced placement psychology course at the time and I figured it would make an interesting paper for my final exam. The article was called America's Medicated Army; it was an in depth look at how the American military deals with the mental health of active soldiers. Soldiers who were seeking mental help from military doctors were being diagnosed with depression after one consultation. The doctors would give them(vague) antidepressants or antianxiety pills and send them back to front where they were needed. After reading this article I began researching the topic online. I came across numerous stories of soldiers and how they were afraid to tell their superiors about the psychological problems they were experiencing for fear of being punished or ridiculed. Soldiers who were suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, depression, and anxiety were being dishonorably discharged because they couldn't carry out their assigned duties, and some didn't receive the help they needed until they hit rock bottom; meaning they attempted suicide or began abusing a substance.

I was shocked to read about soldiers who had confided in their superior officers about having suicidal thoughts and instead of receiving the help they needed they were hazed by both their superiors and their fellow soldiers. Through all the articles I read in various newspapers I began to notice a trend: all of them stated that the amount of soldiers suffering from what the military refers to as "stress injuries" greatly outnumbered the amount of military mental-health workers available.

While researching this particular issue I began to think about friends of mine who had become soldiers, who had joined the military because they wanted to protect their country. It made me proud that they were courageous enough to risk both their mental and physical health to serve our country to best of their ability. At the same time I was saddened by the idea that our country was not serving them in the same way. The significance of this issue to me is that it helped me to realize what I want to do with my passion for psychology. It motivated me to pursue the career of a psychologist and helped me find a unique way in which I could serve the soldiers who have given so much to protect our freedom.
chegoyam 2 / 6  
Jan 13, 2009   #2
I am not good in this at all, but I think you could eliminate 'The significance of this issue to me' on 3rd last line.. i think you could just say 'this issue motivated me to help the soldiers with my passion for psychology'.. or something... :)
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Jan 13, 2009   #3
Really strong essay overall. A couple of minor points:

"I figured it would make an interesting paper for my final exam" Unless you really mean that you copied the article and handed it in as your own work, you should probably say "I figured its subject matter would make an interesting basis for the paper for my final exam"

You could probably replace "The significance of this issue to me is that it" with "This"
tasmia01 3 / 14  
Jan 13, 2009   #4
Great essay! Really well written.

Also , Its surprising how we can find a no. of people applying to the same colleges :)
OP lrnsmith09 5 / 11  
Jan 13, 2009   #5
Thanks for all your help! And it is interesting how many people are applying to the same schools : )
jenf3r 3 / 15  
Jan 13, 2009   #6
Hello, a good idea in college essays is to not use weak words, you shoud try to replace them with more vivid adjectives, I think espesialy for your essay it would make it much stronger.

I highlight some for you for you to take a look

good luck

My junior year I read in article in TIME magazine, I was taking an advanced placement psychology course at the time and I figured it wouldmake an interesting paper for my final exam.

Soldiers who wereseeking mental help from military doctors were being diagnosed with depression after one consultation. The doctors wouldgive them(vague) antidepressants or antianxiety pills ...

Soldiers who were suffering from Post Traumatic Stress ...

I wasshocked ( ex. My shocking reaction to -->to read about soldiers who had confided in their superior officers about ...
Astrix 2 / 4  
Jan 13, 2009   #7
Impressive work
Well done
Obacho 1 / 8  
Jan 13, 2009   #8
you might want to work on your word choice.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Jan 14, 2009   #9
In my junior year I read in article in TIME magazine regarding the declining
mental health of soldiers.

The doctors would give them antidepressants or anti-anxiety pills and send them
back to front where they were needed.

This is a great topic and very good essay. This looks like it's all one paragraph, and if it is, you should divide them up, but I think it might have just come out like that when you pasted it into your post.

Good luck in school!

:)
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Jan 14, 2009   #10
This is a really strong essay. It is well-written both grammatically and stylistically, and provides a specific, unique reason that answers the prompt. Good job.


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