intellectual challenges - Stanford-intelellectually engaging activity

This isn't one of my better ones, but I've got to do what I have to do -.-

Ever since I was young, I found electrons magically fascinating and intellectually captivating. Their awesome ability to deliver power and to secure information over thousands of miles despite their infinitesimal size baffled my imagination. When I began to illuminate and dissect the black box of matter, I discovered electrons' ubiquitous intricacy and helplessly surrendered to their intriguing allure; I quickly became engrossed with independent research on electricity.

Recently, I became immersed with the development of sensors for detecting power cable deterioration. Although the project involved my favorite subject, the problem was extremely taxing to investigate; nevertheless, I was excited and eager to tackle the intellectual challenges it offered.

One of the challenges involved modeling the electrical properties of the sensors. Unfortunately, the electrical knowledge I had amassed did not suffice for efficient sensor analysis; however, from research, I learned the versatility of and developed a talent for mathematical analysis. I loved to drudge through complex arithmetic because the mathematical solutions were intricately simple; for example, with the theorems of math, I reduced a series of equations involving tens of variables into one straightforward equation. Such beautiful simplicity teased my intellects and taught me that mathematically analysis significantly facilitated managing the innumerable variables describing the dimensions and properties of the sensors.

Through this research, I exposed myself to intellectual challenges. Although this experience did not satiate my intellectual hunger, it intensified my fervor for electricity and expanded my mathematical knowledge.

Their awesome ability toofdelivering power and to secureing information over thousands of miles despite their infinitesimal size baffled my imagination.

I became immersedwithin the development of sensors for detecting power cable deterioration.

Although the project involved with my favorite subject,...

I learned the versatility of and developed a talent for mathematical analysis.

I loved to drudge throughwith complex arithmetic

Thanks for the help. I didn't agree with a few of the corrections though.

I edited the conclusion paragraph because I thought the last sentence was a little weak -.- :

Through this research, I exposed myself to intellectual challenges. Although this experience did not satiate my intellectual hunger, it intensified my fervor for electrical and mathematical knowledge.

I still feel like something is missing... could someone help me out? Thanks.

After this, write a paragraph about what you have discovered in your research. Just add a few sentences before, "Recently, I became immersed in the development of sensors for detecting power cable deterioration. Although..." Keep this, but add some sentences before it. Add sentences about articles you have read. Also, if you have not read The Body Electric by Becker, I recommend it!

Oh, I know what to do! Add another sentence to the end of the first paragraph. It is a weak thesis to say, "I became engrossed in the study." It is better to give a sentence that tries to capture the meaningful lesson that is represented by your study. What did it amount to?

Whatever that is, you have to capture it in a thesis statement.

Then, write your topic sentences so that they express the truth of the thesis:

The thesis might be, "I discovered that the way energy changes forms but can never be created or destroyed has symbolic meaning that can make it like a lesson about the nature of human life."

If that was your thesis, you would write topic sentences based on it:
One of the challenges involved While modeling the electrical properties of the sensors, I gained the insight that these sensors and the human nervous system share a common underlying principle.

As of now, your thesis is simple. It is okay, but if you are trying to crank up the intensity go to your central message and make it something fascinating.

If your central message is, "I became enthralled with the study of electricity," that is not fascinating. Write a sentence about what you discovered!

:/ I'm afraid I can't do that. I have a 1800 char limit here also. I hate these limits.


I added it to my newer version below. Do you think its an effective thesis? Thanks a million for your help!

Ever since I was young, I found electrons magically fascinating and intellectually captivating. Their awesome ability to deliver power and to secure information over thousands of miles, despite their infinitesimal size, baffled my imagination. When I began to dissect the black box of matter, I discovered electrons' ubiquitous intricacy and helplessly surrendered to their intriguing allure; I quickly became engrossed with independent research on electricity and discovered that electricity and mathematics were the yin and yang of science.

Recently, I became immersed ...

Yep, terrible... the limits are nerve-wracking for everyone.

Hey, you have some great, powerful sentences here. I like it.

I hope you can make room for one more sentence after the yin and yang sentence. You need to back it up with an explanation:

...electricity and mathematics were the yin and yang of science. Electricity is yin, because _________, while mathematics is yang, because ________________.

I'm a little tight on space right now. But I thought the body and conclusions paragraphs might have cleared that up:
"I found that the qualitative electrical knowledge I had amassed did not suffice"
"thorough study of electricity is impossible without the quantitative analysis only mathematics provides."
Should I be more direct?
Thanks.

Well, I wonder how you are thinking of yin and yang. Are you thinking of them as meaning, "The fundamental parts of something" or are you thinking of them as "The dominant aspect of something and the submissive aspect of something"... because yin and yang refer to negative and positive, soft and hard, night and day, yielding and advancing.

So if you say mathematics is yang, you have to show how it is yang compared to electricity.

I like your idea, and I think it may be able to work, but you should think some more about it.
If electricity and mathematics are 2 sides of a coin, that seems strange, because electricity is a form of the energy in reality as we know it, whereas mathematics is a mental discipline. It's like comparing apples and oranges.

That is my way of giving you a hard time (above) to discuss the thing with you, but most importantly, submit this and be confident, because it is very impressive already!!!

I see what you mean now... I always thought that quality and quantity were sort of opposing ideas because so many teachers demand "quality over quantity," so I was confused :] I think what I should say then, instead of yin and yang, is that one discipline is indispensable without the other:

"... mathematics is indispensable to the study of electricity. Only through the conciliation..."
Is this (metaphorically) more sound?

Thanks a lot for your help!

Yes! I think so... and I like the way you word this: Is this (metaphorically) more sound?

So.. what you really meant was that they were interrelated and that math is necessary for studying electricity... but I don't know if electricity is necessary for studying math! ha ha... unless you refer to bioelectricity that nourishes the brain while studying math, ha ha...

Well, it is interesting to watch your idea develop.

Yes. But the way I worded it, I made it say that math is necessary for studying electricity. I didn't intend it to be the other way around, because, as you notice, it would be quite ridiculous :]

I'm still tweaking this essay a little... I'll let you know if I have more questions. *Whew!... applying to colleges is just like a course by itself.

Not exactly.

Nowadays, everything is interrelated in some way or other.
Since I'm a chemical engineer, I'll give you an example from chemical engineering.

You must have heard the term "fluid dynamics". Fluid dynamics is one of the core areas of interest for a chemical engineer.
One of the most interesting research areas in contemporary mathematics is Computational Fluid Dynamics (CFD). So if you are a mathematician and want to study CFD, you will have to take a course on fluid dynamics before you can start your research on CFD. In other words, chemical engineering is necessary for studying maths.

You can find similar examples in other disciplines (electrical engineering) also.

Real world applied maths is a lot different than what you would get in your high school textbooks.

Well. I was talking about pure mathematics.

Pure maths is that branch of mathematics which is not at all concerned with the applications in the real world. When you say, "math is necessary for studying electricity," you are referring to applied maths whether you mean it or not. What I mean is, you cannot talk about pure maths and electricity in the same context.

Mathematics used in electricity is applied mathematics. Mathematics used to derive the applied forms of mathematics is pure mathematics.
Some mathematicians even compare pure maths to some form of art.

Anyway, I guess I might be boring you. I just get excited when something related to maths or chemistry comes up. :)

No. By pure math, I meant the math where you assume the world is perfect. When you start getting into the knitty-gritty details of the environment, you would use "applied" math, where you apply the pure concepts to the real world, and statistics. Like geometry is considered a pure branch of math, but you can expand on that to accommodate the structure of spaceships and buildings, etc.

yep, I see. If you wanted to say they were mutually dependent, I would argue that math was studied long before we had electricity (i.e. in our homes, etc.)