"Intelluctual interest, evolution,and excitement" Cornell collegeof Arts&Science

Hi! guys I need your help on the content and grammar of my cornell college interest essay.
Thank you in advance for your help. I am an international student so I don't write as good as a native speaker.

Quetion: Describe your intelluctual interests, their evolution, and what makes them exciting to you.Tell us how you will utilize the academic programs in the college of Arts and Sciences to further explore your interets, intended major, or field of study.

"Ise esu ni" meaning, "it is the devil's work. In a primitive part of the world like mine, superstitions are the norms rather than exceptions. Natural happenings, for example, lightning and thunderstorm are attributed to the "god of thunder". While I was growing up, I observed some deformities in some of my playmates- some were older yet behaved much younger, and others simply look sickly. I was curious about these apparent differences in them, but, of course, the most natural explanation around me was demonic attacks.

From my elementary science class, I began to gain more understanding and my passion for the knowledge of science was born. With pride, I would give the name of my ailments- malaria, diarrhea... etc- to my family doctor from my little knowledge of diseases and their symptoms. I could even recognize the sickle cell anemia traits in those playmates, but there are still much more unanswered questions. Every vague explanation became more meaningful when I picked my first Biology textbook. And like peeping through a tunnel, I became more enlightened. Thus, an interest in the anatomy and physiology of the human body evolved alongside an insatiable desire for reading in search of more knowledge.

Throughout my senior secondary Biology class, this love got more deeply rooted in me. From the simplest cell theory to the complex interconnections of the millions of neurons in the nervous system, I was hooked to Biology. And just when I needed to focus my ambition, I read a life-changing book "Gifted Hands" by Neurosurgeon Benjamin Carson. I had to gather information on the basics of neurosurgery to understand his surgical operations on the human brain. This made me fell in love with this advanced field of medicine. I discovered a career to blend my love of children with my fascination with the complex but orderly nervous system.

The possibilities of saving some children from dysfunctional life, like those of my neighborhood friends, further fuel this passion. During my volunteering, I was exposed to the exciting, intricate life of the fetus in the womb. In addition, I watched a documentary about the infants' brains that revealed more of the mystery of a child's brain. With all these experiences, I am excited about becoming a part of and contributing to this field.

Cornell is the institution capable of giving me quality instructions in Molecular and Cellular Biology and preparing me for a medical career. Its diversified faculty and student body will enable me to sample various viewpoints and ideas which will develop my analytical skills. Also, the available solid liberal art curriculum will allow me to explore a range of courses like Psychology, Sociology, Economics, Geography...etc. Since I am interested in discovery and contributing to my field, the various interdisciplinary research opportunities at Cornell will adequately prepare me for this. With the "Health Careers Program" and the "Career library", I am confident of a matured and complete transition from the undergraduate to the medical school.

These would be my grammatical and stylistic changes (as shown in bold):

"Ise esu ni," meaning, "it is the devil's work." In a primitive part of the world like mine, superstitions are the norm rather than exceptions. Natural happenings like lightning and thunderstorms are attributed to the "god of thunder". While I was growing up, I observed some deformities in some of my playmates: some were older and yet behaved much younger, and others simply looked sickly. I was curious about these apparent differences in them, but, of course, the most natural explanation presented by and to those around me was that of demonic attack.

From my elementary science class, I began to gain more understanding, and my passion for the knowledge of science was born. With pride, I used to give the names of my ailments- malaria, diarrhea, etc.- to my family doctor from what little knowledge I possessed about diseases and their symptoms. I could even recognize the sickle cell anemia traits in those playmates, but there are still many more unanswered questions. Every vague explanation became more meaningful when I picked upmy first Biology textbook. I became more enlightened, as if peeping through a tunnel. Thus, my interest in the anatomy and physiology of the human body evolved alongside an insatiable desire to read, in search of more knowledge.

Throughout my senior secondary Biology class, this love became more deeply rooted in me. From the simplest cell theory to the complex interconnections of the millions of neurons in the nervous system, I was hooked on Biology. And then, just when I needed to focus my ambition, I read a life-changing book "Gifted Hands" by the Neurosurgeon Benjamin Carson. I had to gather information on the basics of neurosurgery to understand his surgical operations on the human brain. The book made me fall in love with this advanced field of medicine. I discovered a career that could blend my love of children with my fascination with the complex but orderly nervous system.

The possibility of saving some children - like those of my neighborhood friends - from dysfunctional life further fuels this passion. During my volunteering, I was exposed to the exciting, intricate life of the fetus in the womb. In addition, I watched a documentary about the infants' brains that revealed more of the mystery of a child's brain. With all these experiences, I am excited about becoming a part of and contributing to this field.

Cornell is the institution capable of giving me quality instructions in Molecular and Cellular Biology and preparing me for a medical career. Its diversified faculty and student body will enable me to sample various viewpoints and ideas that will develop my analytical skills. Also, the available solid liberal art curriculum will allow me to explore a range of courses like Psychology, Sociology, Economics, Geography, etc. Since I am interested in discovery and contribution to my field, I hope that the various interdisciplinary research opportunities at Cornell will well prepare me for these pursuits. With the "Health Careers Program" and the "Career library", I am confident of a matured and complete transition from undergraduate to medical school.

1.) I think you should tell where you come from in that first paragraph so that the reader knows what you are talking about.

2.) I challenge you to revise your topic sentences (first sentence of every paragraph) so that a reader would know the main idea of your essay if s/he only read the topic sentences. Don't change that first sentence of the first para, though! It is great.