"International isolation at the Boys and Girls club" -short activity essay common app

This is a story about what led to my creation of an international non-profit org, the 150 words is so limiting I don't know if I would just be better off switching to a different topic that is easier to zero in on quickly. Please let me know how this one looks, I'd appreciate brutality as I am applying to some extremely competitive schools haha. Thanks in advance. Oh, and I am an American that intern'd with the Scottish Parliament if that helps explain a bit of it

Here is the prompt:Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (150 words or fewer, 1000 character maximum).

"Can anyone tell me where Italy is?" I asked, world map in hand. Their sixth grade faces answered with blankness. I decided to try something broader, "Can anyone show me where Europe is?" One child took a valiant stab at Africa. "Not quite, try a bit higher" I suggested. Suddenly, ten small hands darted towards me "Here!" they exclaimed. "Great work" I said, chuckling. This was my first time teaching languages at the Oxford Boys and Girls Club. When these intelligent and energetic children couldn't locate Europe on a map, I knew it was not their fault.

Problematically for these children, global studies are omitted from their curriculum. With help from legislatures in Glasgow, I established a pen pal program between American and Scottish schools. The mission is to provide cultural awareness and dissolve modern stereotypes. Hopefully, this program will cultivate skills that prove invaluable in our increasingly interconnected world.

Hey there, I am kinda facing the same dilemma. I founded this non-profit youth organization and I just don't know how to fit all the details in such small a word limit. Anywho, I love your first paragraph but your second one seems totally disjointed. I think it will be better for you to make the idea set forth in your first paragraph and elaborate it in the second.

Hi Brent, I think that description of the geography lesson is not necessary. You can omit that and get right to your purpose. And what is the purpose? I think it is to show the reader that you are very serious about and committed to a particular thing. Make the reader feel a sense of obligation to open doors of opportunity for you. The way to do that is to discuss your accomplishments, the books and articles that fascinate and motivate you, and your plans for the future... and write about all these things in a way that shows that you are carrying out a plan. Some students have a plan, and others don't. You seem to be very committed to your process, so express what it is you are committed to and do all you can to share your plan with the reader.

The essay is very impressive, BTW. I just think that story is unhelpful. Get your point across without the story, and spend those sentences showing the reader what you are all about.