Hi!
I am a Spanish native speaker but I am applying for a US college. I would like some help on my essays. This is my main commonapp.org essay, and describes how a work of art (Literature) has influenced my life.
Please feel free to comment and correct grammar, vocabulary, etc. as many times as needed.
Thanks
Reading is like traveling. I agree because whilst reading one can see realities one did not know existed. This happened to me when I read Iqbal by Francesco D'Adamo in 8th grade. At that moment, I was certain the world was imperfect, but I could not see its cruelty. As I read those pages, I proved how mean it can be. Moreover, I was sure there was a world for me to explore and millions of needing children whom I was determined to aid.
The book's most important influence on me is the commitment to a cause. I learnt from this book is that no one is too young to fight. This is what schools should teach. If you are courageous and certain of your cause, it is never too soon or too late to fight. Iqbal was the first person to show me that. People often think children or teenagers are not able or should not stand up for themselves. This book shows the opposite. Who should be more committed to a cause than us? We have the power of change, we can still dream. Those dreams are never dead as long as we fight. Iqbal proved that if slavery exists nowadays, so should the dream of freedom. It does not matter if you are aged 60 or 8 as long as you still dream. In this book, a child works in a carpet factory as a slave. He barely survives. Yet he knows life is outside and it is accessible to all as long as one commits to fight for it. Thanks to his perseverance, he was able freed and continued struggling for his cause. Hope is the power of the world. We all have that power.
Yet the world is not such a perfect place. That is the other lesson I got from the novel. The murder of Iqbal and the impunity of the murderer should shock the world. They changed me. Yes, we all have that power if we commit. But the world is not always fair and just. Besides fighting for our cause, we must be prepared to defend it from those who cannot understand it. Sometimes, it will take our lives away. Nonetheless, our lives will have served a cause beyond us. They, just like Iqbal's life, will inspire thousands of other people to act. Iqbal proves death is sometimes just the mere beginning of a greater struggle: the struggle of the just in the unfair world.
This book changed me because it empowered me. It made me believe change depends on you. Because of this book, I was able to go to Kenya and see how children live in one of the most hostile regions of the world. I was able to aid them. Again, this experience showed me that there is a wide range of things to learn and of things to change. Nevertheless, you cannot always change them. They change you, and that is where it all begins.
Hi, am impressed by the way you keep the focus on answering the question. It is good that you show instead of just telling.
for now I guess its impressive.
Thanks :)
I learnt from this book is that no one is too young to fight. I learnt from this book that no one is too young to fight.
It does not matter if you are aged 60 or 8 as long as you still dream. I think you should change "dream" to "believe" or "dare" because it brings out the gutsiness of the desire for freedom better; "dream" sounds a little sedentary.
Thanks to his perseverance, he was able freed and continued struggling for his cause.His perseverance freed him and inspired him to continue the struggle for his cause.
Besides fighting for our cause, we must be prepared to defend it from those who cannot understand it. Besides fighting for our cause, we must be prepared to defend it from those who refuse to believe us.
I think you can should change the title, because your essay is really moving, and the title is too bland to serve the purpose of attracting a reader's attention. Also, I guess focusing less on the story of the book (emphasize on it, it's really awesome, just shorten it a little) and shifting the spotlight to your trip to Kenya would have an altogether different impact. Your Kenya trip showcases your empathy, rather than your sympathy. That makes all the difference!
Other than that, "Wow" is all I can say. Good luck :)
I also feel like you should expand more on your trip to Kenya. Your time in Kenya must have been a really special opportunity, and maybe you would be able to draw parallels between the book and your trip? (I haven't read the book.) Perhaps you've also had other experiences where your thoughts/feelings on the book affected your decisions and such.
Also, in the first part of the essay you write "I proved how mean it can be", and proved might not be the best word, since you don't talk about proving or justification of your thoughts and things like that. Maybe "saw", or "understood"..something like that?
Your essay has a great theme and shows that you really believe in commitment, which definitely is an important part of your personality. Excellent essay.
Hello, thanks for your help on my essay. :)
I'll return the favor:
I agree because whilst reading one can see realities one did not know existed - I did some research on the use of whilst vs while and the internet source stated that although they are interchangeable in meaning, 'whilst' has not survived in standard American English. I recommend that you change it to while. You can double check this if you wish.
As I read those pages, I proved how mean it can be - I would recommend that you change this to: 'It was when I read those pages that I realized how mean it can be'.
We have the power of change - That should be 'We have the power to change'.
Hope is the power of the world. We all have that power. - Combine these sentences.
This book changed me because it empowered me. It made me believe change depends on you - 'This book changed me by empowering me; it made me believe that change depends on you.'
I also agree with Shubhangi Sinha and think that you should separate the last paragraph into two paragraphs.
I really like this essay, it's really deep. Keep up the good work :)
Collegesearcher: I have done all the changes you suggested. Thank you :)
mchehn: you are right. It's better understood. :)
I would like to add more details about my trip to Kenya, but I feel that is another completely different experience. I hace added some more details, I hope the next version is better.
Thanks for your feedback :)
Richard, thanks! I really liked you essay too.
Thanks for commenting on my essay:) There's not much I can comment on your essay since the others have said what I had in mind. I agree with the corrections made by them. You should write more about Kenya since it would show much more about YOU, and not just the story. But overall, I think you did a good job showing how the book really influenced you. Good luck!
topic seems abit broad, wavering focus, but good detail
