Please provide feedback. I'm trying to balance this essay with essay #2, which will focus on my sports achievements and character. Thanks! CorinneDavid
prompt: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
A Person Who Inspires Me
My Grandmother
Here I am, right in the middle of it all. Exchanging warm embraces and inviting smiles, my family joined at our home base, my Grandparent's house. It was during a recent dinner at Grandmother's house that I realized how deeply she has shaped my life. My grandmother's values of a well-prepared meal, a gathered family, a dog by her side and a positive outlook on life would become my values as a young adult, readying myself for college.
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Good job!
I think you've done pretty well in the part describing your Italian grandma, but, the prompt says "tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.", and as far as I can see, you did not talk about her impact on you elaborately, in other words, this essay is not focused enough. The university cares about how your grandma shaped you, not what kind of person she is.
Your essay would be perfect if you add more information about YOU.
Good luck!
A Person Who Inspires Me
My Grandmother
Here I am, right in the middle of it all. Exchanging warm embraces and inviting smiles, my family is gathered at my Grandparent's house. At this dinner I realize how deeply my grandmother has shaped my life. Her world consists of a well-prepared meal, a gathered family, a dog by her side and a positive outlook on life. Her values are now my values, and because of my grandmother's influence I am readied for college.
My grandmother is the first American-born generation in her family of Italian immigrants. She lived on her parent's prune ranch in Healdsburg, California, raised in a traditional Italian household. In "Little Italia" my grandmother learned that hard work, mixed with respect for family, and topped with a positive outlook would lead to a happy, balanced life. With my brother, Patrick, a UC Davis student, and my parents, I (because you said with your other family members) carry on the traditions of a hard-working Italian ranch family, living in Northern California.
My grandmother has taught me the cooking secrets of Northern Italy's Piedmont region. She orchestrates culinary masterpieces, and her most noteworthy concoction is her homemade ravioli. Grandmother's handmade ravioli are small, tantalizing and satisfying golden pillows. One bite comforts my taste buds in a mouthwatering bliss through the perfect harmony of prime beef, bitter chard, aged parmesan, flavorful garlic, and fragrant rosemary. Her ravioli is blanketed with 'gravy', as they call their pasta sauce, which is not your ordinary gravy but instead an amazing beef, tomato and herb sauce. A plate of ravioli pillows doused with a delightful savory gravy, sprinkled with freshly grated parmesan cheese is my dream dish. Grandmother and I might take a good day's work to create ravioli, with hours to hand knead the dough, roll the sheets and cut the tiny squares. Our hard work and Grandmother's cheerful and loving manner shows in her ravioli, and brings our family [deleted: is] together for another memorable episode around the table.
When I was young, I desperately wanted a dog. To satisfy my need for a puppy, my Grandmother and I became official Canine Companion Puppy Petters. Canine Companion is an agency that trains assistance dogs for disabled people. Together we attended puppy petting training classes, and we would pet and play with puppies for hours on end. An important part of raising service dogs is the need for volunteers to pet the young puppies so they get used to the human touch. I will always be warmed by the memory of petting puppies with my Grandmother, surrounded by a litter of tiny, animated golden balls of energy.
My love for dogs inspired me to volunteer with the Assistance Dog Institute (ADI). Today I am a Puppy Parent for the ADI and for the next eight months I will raise and train a five month old black labrador retriever therapy dog named Becca. My dog accompanies me to high school, to my varsity volleyball games and practices, and on my social outings. As a Puppy Parent, Becca and I recently travelled to UC Davis' Fluffie Day to comfort stressed college students during exam week. [(Maybe add something like) "My Grandmother fostered my desire to comfort people with dogs in the way she does with food." (something like that to connect it back to your grandmother)]
Recently my family traveled to Italy, where we fulfilled my grandmother's dream that we connect with our Italian relatives, the Lazzaronis. I have inherited her desire to see and experience the world, and I look forward to returning to my favorite city, Venizia. Recently I was granted an Italian passport, and now I hold dual citizenship in Italy and the United States. With my grandmother's positive influences, I am well prepared to move onto my college years and fulfill my dreams. This last sentence is not connected to its paragraph
My dream is to attend a University of California campus, study Business and the Italian language, and spend a semester studying in Italy. After graduation I would love to travel to Italy often, possibly play professional volleyball in Italy, and one day work at an Italian car company. I aspire to earn a degree in Business Finance and Marketing so that I may work at FIAT, the Italian-headquartered car company located in Turin where my Italian cousin Silvia Lazzaroni works as a project manager.
I am inspired by my grandmother and my family to live in Italy and to follow my dreams. I value hard work, the respect of family, the companionship of dogs, the benefits of a positive outlook and a curiosity for global exploration. Those core values are important components to support my aspiration to earn a degree in Business and live overseas. I have a solid foundation to support my studies and I look forward to exploring my future possibilities at a University of California college campus.
Your essay is really, really good. Well done. I would be very proud of myself if I were you. Personally, I'm struggling to write this essay (I'm a senior in HS) and you hit the nail on the head. I wouldn't change much else. It lets the reader get to know you, and it lets you brag about yourself by talking about all the amazing traits you've inherited from your Grandmother. Well done!