This is the very first draft of my essay. It's for JHU's first supplement question:
Johns Hopkins offers 50 majors across the schools of Arts and Sciences and Engineering. On this application, we asked you to identify one or two that you might like to pursue here. Why did you choose the way you did? (If any past courses or academic experiences influenced your decision, you may include them in your essay.)
Every year, I'd walk down the same path, to the same building, dreading what was to come. My mom held my hand, almost dragging me along. There was nothing I hated more than getting my annual shots. I'd hide behind the nurses, the doors, even the carts - I was ready to do just about anything not to let some old man in white poke me. But then as I grew older, the mean, old doctor started becoming more and more insignificant. Shots became a routine event with little meaning. I had become impartial to the whole scenario. I simply didn't care anymore. So then, why can I not imagine myself as anything other than a doctor? I'm not sure when exactly my mind changed, but all I know is that I never stopped growing, and what was once frightening and insignificant, now became fascinating. I began wondering about the "why's" and the "how's" of everything. "How does that fluid help me?" "Why do I need a new shot every year?" "How come some people have severe reactions, while I feel nothing?"
It wasn't until high school that I started getting answers to some of my questions. From classes like biology to chemistry to psychology, I learned about the human body and all its wonder. However, though I was learning a lot and answering many of my questions, I also started asking even more. I had begun a never ending cycle that continues to operate to this day. History and English are classes I take because I have to, but biology, chemistry, and psychology are the classes I take because I wanted to. Every day, I'd walk in to class with the hopes of answering even a single one of my questions, and leave asking twenty more.
The word limit is 250... I'm at 296...
I really like the flow of your essay, but I was left wondering why you decided to include that you stopped caring about shots? Maybe skip that and just talk about how you became fascinated by them, college admissions don't want to see any sort of apathy. The beginning with being afraid of shots was sort of cute and I liked it, but like I said, I feel it would be stronger if you had a better transition between that and your new fascination with the medical field. Hope that helps!
Im applying to JHU too=]
I really like the beginning and the overall scenario in general.
the first paragraph is a bitt confusing. is it that youre shocked at wanting to be a doctor because you didnt care about them
"why can I not imagine myself as anything other than a doctor?" you kindof use a double negative there. try rephrasing.
since your essay is too long maybe you can cut out some of the first paragraph like "I had become impartial to the whole scenario. I simply didn't care anymore." since thats restating what was already said.
Also,i think you should end with something about how being a doctor is your passion.
Overall,good work!
Goodluck with your essay,and check out mine if you can=]
