"I want to know whom we are" - Stanford (intellectually engaging idea) need criticism

"Stanford students are widely known to possess a sense of intellectual vitality. Tell us about an idea or an experience you have had that you find intellectually engaging."

I often ponder what people would do in an extreme situation. Looking around a classroom, I wonder what my classmates would be like as soldiers on a battlefield, or as survivors of a plane crash stranded in a desert. Who would be a leader, and who would break down? Who would be a self-sacrificing hero, and who would survive no matter what? Hypothetical situations play out in my head; in essence, I want to know who we really are.

For example, a girl sits beside me in Physics. Although I don't know her very well, I observe her. She is petite and pretty; she has thick-rimmed glasses, dresses plainly, talks quietly, and never looks directly at a person in a conversation. She writes in an organized, albeit rigid, style, and this might reflect the way she thinks. I imagine her on a tropical island. There, she would have some trouble; her size would make her a victim to animals and limit her ability to climb trees for fruit. Besides, a rigid thinking process-perfect for survival in society-would not adapt well to a jungle. I see her wandering the shores of a South Pacific island. Perhaps a desert, I think. Her small body requires less water, and she would organize a camp quickly before she dehydrates. I see her signaling a passing plane with a mirror and saving the day. Then, I sit back and wonder just how right or wrong I am about her.

Like this girl or myself, everyone has a side that can go unseen and untested for a whole lifetime; by the end, few know how brave or cowardly, how strong or weak they are. I imagine these unique journeys to glimpse that mysterious inner person. I want to know who we really are. Nonetheless, I would be lucky if I could even know myself that well!

I like this idea of hypothetical situations and I think that it can be developed into a more complex one.

First of all your essay is basically about how one should not judge a book by it's cover, which doesn't really relate to the hypothetical situations thing. This saddens me a little because I thought that you were going to tackle some engaging philisophical concepts.

The examples that you give are kind of cliche. Screaming men and unlikely heroes are both used often for this theme. I think that if you were to stick with this topic, you would have to develop something deeper and tell the reader how this idea effects you.

An idea that just came into my head with this situational stuff. You could write about how lucky you are that you will not have to find out what it is like to be in the situations that you thought up (which are very much reality for some people like the soldiers and people who are in real disasters). I guess that could effect how you live your life.

But I probably shouldn't be giving you a topic since this essay is about an idea that you find interesting :-/

I took your idea into consideration, and I realized that you were right. I completely rewrote the second and third paragraph. Please take a look:

Note that I too am a '15er, however you'd like to take that.

But I actually really liked the first draft, much more than the second. I'm not sure if this difference really manifests itself upon close reading, but my first impression was that the original had more of you in it and seemed more engaging.

To be honest, the second one left me with a bad first impression. To me, it read like you habitually make negative judgments about people based on appearance. A second look changed my mind, but I would go for the best first impression possible, right? And, personally, I think the extensive description of a single girl who serves only as an example of your point rather than a particularly significant experience made your second paragraph seem more tedious in the revision.

Other than that, a few grammar and style notes:
- "Whom" should be "who," since it's predicate nominative.
- In the first draft, you say that you're fascinated twice--best avoided in such a short essay.
- I think that both essays would benefit from smoother introductions and transitions and more varied syntax.

That's all. Good luck!

I see your point as well. I tweaked it a little to not sound so negatively judgmental. Although the girl still seems like a tedious specific example, I included some more variation; the weirdness of the essay might account for that. Or, should I just scrap this idea and return to the first draft?