"leadership position" - UC-ESSAY PROMPT 2. (Experience)

Hi,

So I have a really good prompt 1, but I am having a hard time to tell if this is a good essay... Any feedback would be great!

Being a leader is a very important part of who I am, for that reason I have assumed several leadership roles on campus. All of these roles have taught me specific lessons ranging from coping with other teammates to managing large-scale events.

I am most proud of the level of leadership I have shown with one specific activity in which I have participated. This activity is mock trial. This past year I was the one who organized the mock trial team for St. Francis High School. We had previously had a team but due to a lack of leadership this past year it was obvious that we would not have a team again. I took it upon myself to find the only teacher who was willing to be the moderator. I called our coach from the previous year and asked if he would be willing to coach us again. He agreed to coach us and expressed appreciation for the initiative I took in ensuring that mock trial continued to occur. After receiving a confirmation that he would be the coach, I called for our first team meeting. At that point in order to ensure that the effort would be successful I created a practice schedule, which was later emailed to all of the participants. A conflict then arose, because the moderator informed us that it would be difficult for him to attend our practices and school policy requires that a teacher be present. As this situation developed I started to become extremely stressed out and I had to think how to get past this problem. This was just an added stressor on top of the four AP classes I was taking. To solve the problem I contacted a school official and suggested in this instance that the program would be lost unless the school agreed to allow the team to meet without a teacher. The next conflict was gaining access to a classroom after school hours. Since we did not have a faculty member on the team no one had a key to any of the classrooms on campus. I had to go to every practice early to find a teacher who was still on campus to open a door for us. I feel that my level of leadership in this scenario allowed for the mock trial program to continue at St. Francis High School.

By holding this leadership position on the mock trial team I learned a few life lessons. The first is if you want to get something done sometimes you have to do it yourself. The next lesson is that sometimes things aren't going to work out as anticipated. Obstacles will be presented to you along your life journey. Finally patience and communication are key when trying to work with other people. Some notable characteristics I had shown during this time were persistence, dedication, and motivation. I apply all of these attributes to everything I do no matter how mundane they are.

I like the topic. no offensive but it seems as though you are whining. i suggest adjusting some things a bit. You might wanna take it to an english teacher for better critique

... from coping with other teammates to managing large-scale events.---The first paragraph is not very convincing. If I tell you that being a leader is an important part of who I am, it does not really tell you very much. "Words are a difficult means of communication" (James Mitose). If you want the reader to know leadership is an important part of who you are, state your intentions. A leader has a plan for the upcoming months and years. :-)

I feel that my level of leadership in this scenario allowed for the mock trial program to continue at St. Francis High School. This sentence weakens the essay, I think. Leadership is a discipline with a lot of research associated with it. If you want to talk about leadership you should probably cite a particular concept, like transformational leadership or servant leadership. Read some articles online, and the essay will reflect the theory you read about. it only takes a few minutes.

Okay.. I think this is a cool idea, because you show that you went through a process to make something happen... but I challenge you to explain what happened by using only 50% of the words you used. So.. condense the story about the obstacles you had to overcome. Make it so that the reader can get the important ideas without having to follow you through so much detail of the story.

:-)