Any feedback would be greatly appreciated!
PROMPT: Describe a setback or ethical dilemma that you have faced. How did you resolve it? How did the outcome affect you? Most importantly, what did you learn about yourself and how would you handle a similar situation in the future? (400 to 500 words, 3000 characters max)
Background: I currently attend Culver Military Academy, a boarding high school in Indiana which utilizes the military structure for leadership. In addition, there is an honor code that states "I will not lie, cheat, or steal, and I will discourage others from such actions."
ESSAY
In tenth grade, my leadership role was to introduce and mentor incoming cadets to facets of Culver life. When Jordan arrived, he struggled with academics, inspections, and was convicted of an alcohol violation within the first month. However, we worked through these setbacks, and by the end of his freshman year, he had become one of the top ranked cadets in his class and was appointed to the regimental color guard. By sophomore year, we had become best friends. We hung and worked out together almost every day, and he often stayed at my house on vacations.[..]
- Seth, when writing an essay as important at this one, you must always look for that statement that will keep the admissions officer interested in discovering more about you through what you wrote. This particular passage of your essays is highly effective in achieving that and I suggest that you use it as such. It would also help if , for the benefit of those who are not familiar with CMA, you gave a short introduction to the military academy and the code of ethics the academy cadets live by. It will explain why you live by the honor code and how important and valuable it is for you to uphold it.
The essay in itself presents a very interesting dilemma that any student could face on a daily basis. Your story becomes more compelling because of the military background attached to it. It is nice to read an essay about a true ethical dilemma that was dealt with properly. Even your convictoon at the end that you would do it all over again if you need to showed your strength of character and self-discipline.
There are a few spelling problems that need to be fixed but those can wait till after we have the main theme of the essay polished Shall we work on that part now? :-)
Thank you for the help! What part would be best to revise first? I talked a lot about my background with Jordan rather than CMA because I wanted to emphasize how close he had become to me and how far he had come himself, thus making the decision difficult and I'd like to talk more about CMA but I'm exactly at 500. Thoughts?
I had also thought about revising the structure to make the essay more attention grabbing to the admissions panel:
"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." This is what makes toleration the backbone of the honor code, and provides protection against dishonorable cadets. It's the most difficult part because although I had done nothing wrong, I was put in an ethical dilemma resulting in the lost of my best friend. However, I realize there are times one will have to pay a high price for standing by their convictions, and to be a leader, I must be able to make tough decisions and carry them out regardless of the consequences. In tenth grade, my leadership role was to introduce and mentor incoming cadets to facets of Culver life. When Jordan arrived, he struggled with academics, inspections, and was convicted of an alcohol violation within the first month. However, we worked through these setbacks, and by the end of his freshman year, he had become one of the top ranked cadets in his class and was appointed to the regimental color guard. By sophomore year, we had become best friends. We hung and worked out together almost every day, and he often stayed at my house on vacations. An evening in February, he came to my room and asked if I wanted to smoke with him. I told Jordan no and warned him of the damaging consequences. He assured me nobody would find out and persisted, and I told him I would have no part in the self-destruction of his future. Two weeks later, the commandant announced all contraband was to be surrendered immediately. Our counselor came to my room later that evening while Jordan and I were studying and asked it we had anything to give up. I answered no and then looked at Jordan who paused and then said "no, of course not." Our counselor left, and I asked why he had lied. He said he was on thin ice after his alcohol violation and if he were caught smoking, he would be dismissed. I reminded him of our school's honor code and my responsibility to abide by it. He replied, "If you're my true friend, you'll make an exception." I responded "If you were truly my friend, you wouldn't put me in this position. As cadets, we are guardians of the honor code; it depends on us for its survival. If I make an exception for you, I would have to make one for everyone." After a final warning, I turned Jordan in the next day. After facing the honor and disciplinary councils, Jordan was asked to leave Culver and we never spoke again. Although Jordan was my best friend, he could not be a leader, because he would set the example for others to follow and he did not have integrity, he could not expect others to. I have no regrets about my decision and I would do the same again at the United States Air Force Academy - even if it means loosing my best friend.
- By simply restructuring this part to mention CMA, you will have not only properly introduced the academy, but also the code of ethics you live by while there.When Jordan arrived, he struggled with academics, inspections, and was convicted of an alcohol violation within the first month.
- Let me rephrase this for you:
Jordan was a rebellious student who could never adhere to our code of ethics. In trouble from the first day he stepped into my life as my roommate. Eventually, he tried to involve me in his shenanigans by asking me to join him for a smoke.Needless to say, I turned him down and warned him of the consequences of his actions.- By writing it this way, you will be able to save word count for the CMA part that you want to do. Does it work for you? Feel free to use it.