Please revise the following essays for me.
1. Leadership Ability Short Essay
Leadership to me is all about communication. If you don't talk with people, you
will never know what they are expecting from you. Last year I was the
vice-president of a club, basically I was the co-founder of the club. Things
are usually harder at the beginning; we went through many obstacles just to
make the club exist. This year everything is in good order now. But there was a
group of people won't do anything even you ask them to. Later on, I talked to
them to see if there is any dissatisfaction about the club. They pointed out we
didn't do anything but fund-raising, and the shirt looks ugly. To be honest, I
was terribly indignant at their speech and also worried. I know if they still
think like this, they wouldn't want to cooperate with us because people who
criticize you won't help you. I asked them about their opinions of the
strategies to run a club. They said that we need an outstanding T-shirt with
customized names, and field trips once in a while. I asked them how to achieve
these goals without enough money. I asked her to design a shirt for the club
with the way they wanted, but the costs of the shirts have to be under our
budget. They agreed with pleasure, but two days later, they came up to me with
frustrations, now they understand how difficult to come up with an ideal shirt
with limited money amount and they are willing to help us. The way to lead
mavericks is to inform them the difficulties we've been through, so they
wouldn't think it's a laid-back job to be in charge.
2.Personal Information Short Essay
In my mother's words, I'm too strong to be a girl. By which she means I'm too
ambitious, too independent-minded, and somehow doesn't fit the description of a
girl in her mind. At such times, I do not argue, for I realize how difficult it
must be for her and my father--having to deal a daughter who reject their
simple idea of life and drag them into a future they do not understand. For my
parents, plans for my futures were very simple. I was to get good grades, go to
a good college, and become a good doctor. The only reason she wants me to
become a doctor is because her youngest brother died from cancer at a very
young age, so she is expecting to be in the medical field to save people's
life, plus, this is a job that's more secure and settled. Unfortunately for my
parents, however, the security of that world is simply not enough for me, I
want to have my own business, I want to have a major and a job that requires
not only knowledge but also has to deal with making decisions base on my own
judgments. I can work in any field because the processes I will learn in
business apply in every field and are practical and useful in everyday life. I
can live according to other people's expectations; I have control to my own
life.
3. Significant Setback/Challenge/Opportunity Essay (this is the one I don't like)
Once a pond a time, there was a merchant, he saw a stunning emerald, enchanted
by the stone's beauty, he decided to buy it. He returned home and took the
emerald to a jeweler for appraisal. The jeweler began to examine the stone
through his magnifier, and as he did so, his face went pale. "What's the
matter?" asked the proud owner of the emerald.
"I can't find a flaw." said the jeweler.
"Wonderful!" said the stone's owner.
"No, it's not. If it is flawless, it's a fake. It's not real. Nothing in the
natural world is flawless." replied the jeweler.
Each one of us living in the world is a rough stone, we must go through years
of polishing and experiencing to achieve our goal of perfection, but usually
none of us could. According to the rules of the real world, there will always
be failures and setbacks and less than perfect conditions. I had experienced
failures many times.
I still remember the how surprised I was the first time I checked the class
ranking list without seeing my name on that top 10% list, it was during my
freshman year, a year after I moved to the United States. I stared at that post
board for almost ten minutes just to make sure I didn't skip a line, but
unfortunately my name wasn't on it. I was disappointed at the fact that I was
probably not good enough to be in top 10 percent, but I was also wondering to
know how other people could be on that list, because some of them that I know
don't really deserve their spots. I had a question mark in my mind until one
day, a friend of mine told me about the honor classes. I realized how much of a
difference it could make on my class ranking by taking advanced classes, my
counselor from middle school had never told us about honor classes, no one
informed me that the Grade Point Average for a honor class is 5.0, the GPA for
a regular class is 4.0. To be honest, at that time I felt I was a bit hard done
by, since I never know that I have a choice to take classes with higher GPAs.
After I became aware of how much I had been left behind, I went to the
counselor to check my class ranking after my freshman year, it was number 217.
On my way home I tried to think about what I can do to catch up. I know I
shouldn't impute all faults and wrongs on others; I also have responsibilities
on this issue, since I know this is a place that I'm not yet familiar with, I
should ask other for help, I shouldn't expect them come up to me and tell me
every step I should take. It's my duty ask and solve problems. Now it's time to
consider what I can do to improve a past record that I cannot change anymore,
but I have another chance to make it better. The second day, I reported to my
counselor's office to request a schedule change, I changed all my classes to
Pre-AP. I started look up information about colleges. Neither of my parents had
gone to college before; they don't know the procedures of college application.
As the first one who will attend college in my family, I know I'm setting a
sample for my younger relatives and my community. Although I'm all by myself, I
have no one to count on, I will never be afraid nor give up. I challenge myself
by taking advanced classes. I tried to join in as many clubs as I could, I
tried to run for officers if I have a chance, and I won't allow myself to quit.
I did all these things just to make myself more competitive.
After two years of hardworking, I finally moved up to number 30 out of almost
eight hundred graduating seniors. It's not even close to what I'm expecting,
but at least I tried to recover my own missteps, and I had gained so much self
confidence and courage by fight against this huge setback occurred in my high
school years. I learned to ask for advices before I start a plan. People who
know how to ask questions are more than likely to succeed than those who are
ignorant but wouldn't ask for help. There is nothing wrong with
inquisitiveness.
Setbacks are not flaws of our lives but precious treasures. Failures and
setbacks happen quite often in life. Without such trials, life
is not complete and we can never realize how happy life can truly be.
Please Help Me I Have To Submit them Before Monday
the first essay...you kept mentioning "the club", what is this club?
Frankly, i think you need to revise the whole thing (i.e. essay 1),it sounds like you're harboring ill feelings about whomsoever said they didn't like the t-shirt...you def. don't want an admissions officer thinking that.
the second essay...you sound like a rebel...yes you want to follow your own path but you should present it in a better way...in a way that shows your good qualities not in a way that says to any admissions officer "i don't care what my parents think"...not that i'm saying that's how you are but, that's how it came across...you should place more emphasis on why you want to major in Business, why do you feel passionately about it? what do you have to offer? link your qualities to the major (strong, ambitious, independent)
the third essay...i didn't read all of it but i can tell by the first phrase "Once a pond a time" (should read: Once upon a time) that English isn't your first language?
edit: oops, i'm sorry the deadline was last monday, i hope you sought help before submitting them.
