I learned to enjoy spending hours after school running and spending time with my team mates

Marc Portis
College Application Essay

My involvement with my school's running sports teams began during the spring season of my sophomore year. I originally joined because my parents had suggested many times that I participate in a school sport. Initially I was unmotivated and generally dissatisfied with the new requirements of arduous after school practice and track meets, but I soon learned to enjoy spending hours after school running and spending time with my team mates. As the school year progressed, I became more involved with the team and motivated by my own success and that of others.

My sophomore year in high school brought about many new changes involving my academic and extracurricular life. Our school recently constructed a new building for all academic classes along with other athletic improvements. Although this didn't impact the running sports as greatly as others, I still appreciated the support for the other teams in general. In terms of school work, sophomore year was fairly demanding when compared to freshman year. After a few weeks, I learned to use my time effectively balancing the demands of school, sports, and other activities.

The experience with the cross country team started with summer workouts before school had begun. These required runners to be at the school, ready to run at 7:00 in the morning, a time when many were still asleep. The practice made me contemplate whether the means of waking early to run 5 miles at sunrise would justify the ultimate benefit of physical fitness during our first race. With things like cars or bicycles available for transportation, it would almost seem crazy to want to transport myself with my own feet. As I ran around a half mile loop we used for timed workouts, I realized that each lap would bring me closer to reaching the physical discipline that the cross country team would demand. Although I still remember the discomfort of those early practices, the memory of time spent with the team will last far longer.

Junior year was a new experience in that I elected to take more challenging classes

The school activities in which I have participated have been both challenging and rewarding as a way to connect with other students, to achieve my own goals, and to learn more about myself. While activities like indoor track, outdoor track, and the rifle team required similar participation, I have spent the greatest amount of time practicing and competing with the cross country team. While others gladly took sleep over morning practice, I was striving to attain the physical fitness and character necessary to succeed in other challenges I planned to face.

This is all so vague and generic. You include a lot of pointless information, such as the facts about the new school buildings. What is the purpose of this essay, in your mind? What do you hope to convey about yourself? What is the central idea you want readers to grasp?

Your essay is more like a summary of your high school life.
Talk about how did the sport shape/ affect you to the person you are now.

This essay has very little direction until the very last sentence.


Now, that's a good sentence and a good thing to tell colleges about yourself. But it's the only development the essay sees.

When I write stuff like this, I tend to view it like a game. Set up all your pieces into perfect positions, like the potential energy of a spring. And then jump on it! There's a lot of setting up in this essay, a lot of promise (mixed in with a lot of ostensibly useless stuff), but there's no end goal or direction to it all. Like a sadly unfinished game of chess... :(

You need some direction in this.
Pick one or two over arching ideas and go with them instead of hitting numerous points.

I'd like to see this read a little more like a narrative than a chronology. Cross country is *tough*. Show the reader just how tough it is (besides the early-morning practices). Talk more about the journey and the growth. Explain the experience with examples.