Library of Congress in Washington DC - it's a place where I was inspired by design...

So I am applying to a college and one of their entrance essay topics is: Describe an instance or place where you have been inspired by architecture or design.

I did my essay on the Library of Congress in Washington DC and my main point is that I am inspired by the artists' abilities to work together and create something wonderful. However, I think that my essay is kind of impersonal and that it sounds like I am trying too hard (like catering to what I think the college wants the essay to sound like).

Oh, by the way, this is specifically for the school of architecture

That day, I visited the city; not as a Washingtonian, but rather as a tourist. I arrived on 1st Street and looked up at the imposing Beaux exterior of the Thomas Jefferson Building of the Library of Congress. Its size and scope left me in wonder of America's Gilded Age; it was reminiscent of how I have always imagined the typical building of downtown Paris to appear. It was not the outside of the building that inspired me though, with its columns, arches, and ornate designs, but the interior of the Library was what I was in awe of; it was much more grandiose.

As I toured the library, I learned that the intricacies of the walls, ceilings, and staircases were all done for free. The tour guide explained that the completion of the multimillion dollar building had left the government without the funds to address the interior; so, architect Thomas Casey traveled to Chicago where the World's Colombian Exposition was coming to an end, and asked the sculptors, painters, and artist to come and design the building: without pay. This was truly amazing, but the most spectacular part was the fact that both starved and world-renowned artists came together to create something remarkable. On the inside of the building, it is evident that many different styles beautifully mesh to create a larger picture of wealth and prosperity. One hallway may be decorated with putties and cherubs while the next has a ceiling painted in remnant of Michelangelo. Although the works of art are inspirational in themselves what truly inspired me was Casey's ability to tap into available resources and bring an unusually diverse selection of artists together to create something beautiful.

You present a very good essay here. But I agree with you when you say that it is a bit impersonal. I believe that the feeling of detachment comes from your only describing the architecture of the building and the story behind it. It lacks the personal touch. The essay should be further improved once you include your personal feelings about the designs that you saw. Surely the designs touched you emotionally and intellectually in a way. You should delve into that aspect and discuss in such a manner that you know will be appealing to the admissions officer of the university. You need to present an idea of how you personally connected with the building and its architecture during the tour in order to develop a more personal feel and point of view for the discussions that you presented. By doing so, you will present yourself as a future architect who knows how to translate emotions, feelings, and sentiments into your final design. Depicting yourself in such a manner will also offer an idea as to the kind of architecture that can be expected of you in the future.

You spoke of architectural designs from Paris in one of the sentences. Maybe you could compare how you felt and what you thought of those Paris designs which influenced your feelings and point of view relating to its American counterparts? This will show how you have a wide point of view when it comes to architecture and will further establish your points of inspiration when it comes to building design.