Hi, I'm applying to Princeton. I took quite a long time revising this essay, but I still feel that it's not thatgood. Please tell me how you feel it could be improved, revised, make more interesting. Thanks guys!
Use a quote from a book, essay as a starting point, tell us about the event, experience that helps you change the way you approach the world or helped define your values.
"...With the Big Bull Market gone, and prosperity going, Americans were soon to find themselves living in an altered world which called for new adjustments, new ideas, new habits of thought, and a new order of values. The psychological climate was changing; the ever shifting currents of American life were turning into new channels.
The Post-war decade had come to its close. An era had ended."
From Frederick Lewis Allen's essay "Crash!"
I walked into the room. The cozy, snugly feelings had gone. The warm, friendly feels were just a memories, and I might as well be looking at a hotel room, cold and empty.
My bedroom was my sanctuary, free of protests, crimes, and poisonous snakes indigenous to the tropics. At night I locked myself in, tucked myself under the covers and fell asleep in my comfortable bed, safe and secure.
The bed was still there, and so was the dresser, but something was off. My nightstand was wiped clean. All my CDs and books were gone. My memorabilia were thrown out. When my parents were told they need to meticulously clean everything, they turned my room into a minimalist's paradise and chucked the "culture dishes" in the dumpster. I sat down on my freshly sterile chair and tried to get used to the slight pungent smell in the air.
I had been living in that room for over fifteen years. Thanks to the ventilation, even though no windows were open, more than enough oxygen piped through my veins. Everything was fine--great, in fact. Some morning I did get a sniffle or a headache, but they all went away in a couple of hours. In time, I got used to those trivial annoyances. After all, every week I swept, mobbed, and vacuumed. I changed the sheets and practically sparkled the entire room all the time. Of course, I'm healthy.
"You need to leave, now!" croaked the teachers when I arrived one day with a slight fever. The bird flu made its entrance into the country mere days earlier, sending the populace into panic. I took a bus to the supermarket, walked 2 miles to get home, tumbled into bed, and eight hours later, a doctor, just to be safe, ordered me isolated and my room fumigated in addition to bed rest and fluids.
After our neighbour's cat survived four days locked up in my room, we returned the lab cat and started cleaning. It was then that my parents realized they forgot to clean out my belongings before filling the space with poison. The garbage man was never more frustrated.
Looking at the remains of my haven, I realized that the problems are always there, it was me who decided to ignore them. Catastrophes never strike all of a sudden, but are results of years of the simplest complications: Build-up germs, trade on margins, over-priced real estates, tolerated corruptions, leaving toilet seats up, etc. Most of the time, the best solution is just to get some fresh air, welcoming changes and let someone else point out your short comings. And change.
All my life, I have always been afraid of the unknown. I have always felt that just beyond my sight lurk horrors and woes, and I never ventured out to meet them. I slowly unbolt the window and open it. Fresh clean air filled my lungs drove away the chemical smell. That night I went to sleep in my soon-will-be-comfortable bed. I'm starting anew.
I'd need to fix the mosquito screens though. Those things are killing me.
The warm, friendly feeling s were just a (take out) memories.
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I was going to edit your grammar, but I noticed someone else already did so I'll just comment on your writing.
At first, I wasn't sure if you were actually answering the prompt, but when I read on, I thought you nailed it.
I like how you put some humor and sarcasm into your writing. I chuckled.
Absolutely adore your ending! Very, Very creative and sophisticated.
I thought it was a good idea to just add more humor then preach about something.
Your descriptions were vivid. I could almostpicture your room in my head.
I hope your keeping that title because it's perfect.
Thanks for letting me read this, and nice job!
I think the admissions will really enjoy reading this piece.
