Linkedin Statement - determination and drive to excel inside and outside the classroom

This is my linkedin statement, do you like it? any errors? could you help me improve it? thank you!

I am a Spanish six-year Business Administration & Law student currently studying in the Fisher College of Business at The Ohio State University and have an expected graduation date of June, 2015.

My determination and drive to excel inside and outside the classroom have aided me to be close to achieve my degree with great results and also, to have been able to attend and succeed at other worldwide recognized institutions: my one-year exchange period at Regent's University London reinforced my passion for the international connections in business and finance as well as helping me in further increasing my interpersonal and communication skills. My desire to keep improving academically and enhancing my multicultural competency made me apply to The Ohio State University, where I am currently coursing my sixth and last year of my degree, obtaining great results on my first semester and willing to keep it up.

I have also spent two summer courses in Germany (06' & 07' obtaining an A2 CEFR German level diploma) and also Japan (13' & 14') adding valuable experiences to my international profile. Improving my German language skills after my graduation is one of my short term goals

I am primarily interested in an analyst position to start off a successful career upon my graduation in June, a position where I can keep on expanding the knowledge acquired on the areas I have focused on the most: management and international finance, while gaining valuable work experiences. Your time and consideration are appreciated.

Gracias,

Juan

Let's analyze it based on the purpose. Is your purpose to catch the interest of people who might want to hire you or network with you? If so, it should be less about you and more about the reader. That's right, lol, your linkedin profile is not about you. It's about them. So, for example, the first line:

I am a Spanish, six-year Business Administration & Law student currently studying in ... expected graduation date of June, 2015. ---- The reader probably does not need any of this information. Let the first sentence stab the reader's curiosity right in the heart. ; ) How about considering what benefits people can gain from networking with you? What BENEFITS do you have to offer. Readers are interested in benefits. lol...

My determination and drive to excel inside and outside the classroom have aided me to be close to ...--- I think this part is bad. It is not specific, and it sucks away much of the reader's brain power. Suggestion: Make sure the first sentence of each paragraph is a sentence that gives the reader an idea you hope s/he will remember. For example, each paragraph can begin with a sentence about one of the benefits of working with you.

People hire me when they need someone with expertise in both business law and the German language. Improving my German language skills after my graduation is one of my short term goals...

I am primarily interested in an analyst position to start off a Don't say something that will cause most readers to rule you out. Say something to make them all want to know you.

: )

Thank you!

I want it to have a bit more like a resume style as I need to apply with linkedin to some positions, thanks for the feedback!