This is my first draft for Essay Topic E required for UT Austin. Thanks for your time and I'm gald to be apart of this community! -I hope the coming comments have some teeth!
Prompt:
Personal Essay
Choose an issue of importance to you - the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope - and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation.
Essay: Living With MCS
"I'm sorry but you smell." The put-off friend or relative would then instinctively move to sniff their underarm, "Oh, no-no, you smell too good, you see my mother has what they call Multiple Chemical Sensitivity." I continue my awkward speech, "the chemicals you wear: your fabric softener, perfume, makeup, laundry detergent, shampoo, toothpaste, and that new-car-smell-in-a-can stuff appear to make her very ill."
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This is my first draft for Essay Topic E required for UT Austin. Thanks for your time and I'm gald to be apart of this community! -I hope the coming comments have some teeth!
Hot Dog,
You are obviously a very good writer! I need not tell you that. Your essay is very well written, and I have but one comment concerning the use of the semi-colon. First paragraph, next to the last sentence: the use of the semi-colon is inappropriate. Between the different disciplines that will not recognize the existence of MCS, the comma is more appropriate.
Otherwise, I dare not write anything judgmental concerning your essay! It is simply well written and I commend you for the use of the English language. I do hope that your mother, one day, receives the treatment that she deserves.
--Mark
Well structured, nice transitions. Good Luck!!
Great essay,
i have mcs, i am going to ask my teenage children to read your essay. They have been wonderful in helping me as best they can. I think it will help them to read how this illness has affected children in other families where a parent has MCS.
I'd be interested in reading how it has affected your life more, how you felt about the sacrifices you have had to make. My children for instance can't go around to houses where there are smokers. And they have to get out of their day clothes outside. It does cramp there social style, and keeping the house free of contaminants means tedious work.
Ren.
Well written! Structure and transitions are super! Catchy introduction and never a dull moment! Interesting topic as well.
Alrighty, here's my nit picky say in the matter.
1st paragraph:
"relative would then instinctively" to "I continue my" -The tense changed from past to present tense.
"That is the reality"-It feels like "This" would be a better sounding choice, but either one is right.
"This unofficial disease is isolating to its victims"-Too wordy and somewhat confuses the meaning. "This unofficial disease isolates its victims" is more concise and understandable.
2nd paragraph:
"started with having to change"-Too wordy. Change it to sound more concise.
"a rarity, guests"-Change the comma to a semi-colon, since both halves of the sentence can stand alone as separate sentences are are not connected by a coordinating conjunction (and, or, etc.).
"soap was made "-The word "made" could be changed to spice things up.
"During my school years... . Despite our efforts, my mother's health continues to decline."-I don't know what was meant to fill between the fragment and the sentence, but the tense changed from past to present, which is fine, if you show the change by adding in "today", "now," etc.
3rd paragraph:
"Symptoms are legion but a short list"-A comma is needed before "but."
"idiopathic many"-A comma is needed between these two words.
""chemophobe" and when proponents"-A comma is needed before .and."
"'industrialist eco-killers' the"-A comma is needed before "the".
4th paragraph:
"convince"-The only definition of this word I know is the verb form. I don't know that it can be an adjective.
"own, society"-Again, the comma should be a semicolon.
"divisive and insolating way of life"-I know the doctor's handling of the disease is "divisive," but can the "way of life" be described as "divisive" also? "Insolating" should be changed to "insulating."
Double check my grammar rules. I believe they are right, but I am not an expert.
My only other suggestion involves getting rid of as many "to be" verbs as possible. It is kinda tricky sometimes, but definitely worth it! (wsu.edu/~delahoyd/writing/to_be.html)
Good luck! :)
Jennifer
Three more things:
1st paragraph:
"put-off" and "short end of the stick" are slang/colloquial terms/sayings and should be avoided. "Offended" and "short shrift" are better replacements.
3rd paragraph:
"VOC's"-This is shortened jargon and needs to be named in its entirety and followed by "(VOC's)", the first time you use it in a paper.
really well written, but i feel like at parts it begins to sound like more of a research paper than a personal essay
//My mother's condition is characterized by allergy-like reactions to lows levels of common toxins, solvents, VOC's, and many other chemical triggers that could go mostly undetected by a normal person. Symptoms are legion but a short list would include hyperactivity, brain-fog, cold sweating, dizziness, cough, chest tightness, watery eyes, nausea, and chronic sinus infections.//
maybe describe these symptoms' effects on your mother's life and yours rather than just listing them?
Thanks a ton for your the replies.
Here is my Second Draft:
ESSAY:
"I'm sorry but you smell." The offended friend or relative will then instinctively move to sniff their underarm, "Oh, no-no, you smell too good, you see my mother has what they call Multiple Chemical Sensitivity." I continue my awkward speech, "the chemicals you wear: your fabric softener, perfume, makeup, laundry detergent, shampoo, toothpaste, and that new-car-smell-in-a-can stuff appear to make her very ill." This is the reality of the situation for those affected with Multiple Chemical Sensitivity (MCS); though almost comical on the surface, this 'unofficial disease' isolates its victims and the people closest to them. The American Academy of Allergy, Asthma, and Immunology, American College of Physicians, American Medical Association, and many other organizations do not recognize MCS as a legitimate diagnosis. Inherently, the disease is politically polarizing, and as a result, those affected are often short shifted when it comes to finding treatment, acceptance, and understanding for their condition.
I remember at a young age when my mother first began showing symptoms. It began with changing clothes after returning home to remove residual odors; soon my mother was wearing a mask whenever she went out, and anything bought new would have to be 'aired-out' for weeks. As time passed my mother leaving the house became a rarity, guests and family members no longer visited, and my mother would keep the windows shut most of the time for fear of getting a whiff of the neighbor's laundry. Cooking homemade soap became the norm, and special aluminum tape was used to seal certain rooms. Even now, despite our efforts, my mother's health continues to decline.
Allergy-like reactions to lows levels of common toxins, solvents, volatile organic compounds (VOC), and many other chemical triggers that could go mostly undetected by an average person characterize my mother's condition. Symptoms are legion, but a short list would include hyperactivity, brain-fog, cold sweating, dizziness, cough, chest tightness, watery eyes, nausea, and chronic sinus infections. Because the chemicals that spark these symptoms are unrelated, and the disease itself idiopathic, many medical professionals brush the condition off as simply psychological, or a misdiagnosis. It is not my objective to argue the merits of this disease being psychological, physiological, or neurological as some theories suggest, but to highlight the strain put on those affected and their families by such divisiveness. In an editorial for the "Journal of Toxicology - Clinical Toxicology" titled, "Multiple chemical sensitivities--public policy," Dr. Ronald Gots wrote, "The phenomenon of multiple chemical sensitivities is a peculiar manifestation of our technophobic and chemophobic society. ... It may be the only ailment in existence in which the patient defines both the cause and the manifestations of his own condition." In my experience, this comment reflects the attitude many individuals, both those outside and within the medical community, have toward MCS. You cannot argue away physical symptoms, treatments come with time and research, but the politics involved create the symptom of social isolation. When discussion breaks down to assigning labels like "chemophobe," and when proponents retort with comments such as 'industrialist eco-killers' (I am trying to find an exact quote I read from an article but managed to lose), the patients and their families are stuck in the crossfire.
The interaction with Medical Doctors has ranged from sympathetic to downright perverse. The faces of doctors who have simply ignored the condition, or prescribed a healthy dose of 'remove stress from your life' have blurred. Others are much more memorable, such as the neurologist who pretended there was an earthquake to test my mother's mental stability. This is not to say that all medical doctors lack understanding, but if such skepticism exists in the medical world, you can imagine its prevalence amongst laypersons. It is amazing to see long time friends and family besmirch my mother over politely being asked not to wear perfume to thanksgiving dinner, or her wearing chemical filter mask while in their company. Some are offended and see MCS as a mere excuse to get out of obligations or to avoid their convenience store cologne. Others think that this 'psychological condition' just needs tough love. My immediate family is extremely grateful for the compassion and understanding shown by the select few, or by the doctors who have tried their best to help and treat her condition. An ailment is an aliment is an ailment, psychological or otherwise. Conditions of all types demand treatment and compassion. This disease is both debilitating and alienating enough on its own, society and doctor's divisive actions need not help it become a more insulating way of life.
This is a solid essay, very well written. You balance description with information and action in a way that makes this a great, focused essay.
Here is one little thing I can help with:
The interaction with Medical Doctors has ranged from sympathetic to downright perverse.
The interaction was not sympathetic...
The interaction with Medical Doctors has ranged from meaningful to downright perverse.
but do not capitalize medical doctors. You can just write physicians if you want to.
