LOSING A FRIEND TRANSFER UNDERGRADUATE ADMISSION ESSAY

I believe this essay has loads of errors and your corrections would be needed please. i need to really knw whether i started it ok talking about my friend. thanks guys...

There may be personal information that you want considered as part of your admissions application. Write an essay describing that information. You might include exceptional hardships, challenges, or opportunities that have shaped or impacted your abilities or academic credentials, personal responsibilities, exceptional achievements or talents, educational goals, or ways in which you might contribute to an institution committed to creating a diverse learning environment.

The essay is meant to be 120 eighty-character lines of text (including spaces and blank lines).

The feeling from losing someone so dear is one of the most painful. I will always remember the day my best friend had passed way. "There was a plane crash everyone died and it's likely the plane Antonia boarded." Antonia had been so happy just that morning as we left school for the Christmas holiday. She had boarded a plane that afternoon going to a different city. We went to elementary and middle school together and were both in the same high school. Today Antonia was gone in that deadly tragedy. I thought to myself about the pain her parents must be going through losing an only child. Everything felt abnormal to me that night. Life could be so cruel; Laying on my bed that night brought memories - - memories of how we had planned to be successful lawyers from the day we watched a particular TV program as little children. We had been so intrigued by the way the lawyer spoke and the words she chose.This may sound like a childish ideology, but from watching that TV program our great yearning to go to college and then law school started.

My best friend may be gone now and is unable to fulfill her dream and this has taught me something significant in life; Life is too short. As a young adult, it has made me understand that one's life can be taken at anytime. While I still have the chance at life I will make sure I fulfill my heart desires and long time goal as best as I can. That heart desire and long time goal of mine is to be a lawyer and the first stage in the long process that awaits me is to acquire a degree through your fine institution.

Accomplishing my goal would not be easy but as I am a determined, focused and persistent individual I believe I would not give up. Over the years both in high school and my year in university and college when things get overwhelming for me I always think to myself "I have goal in life to complete". There are day where I just want to stop reading but I think to myself without hard work you can never fulfill your dreams, people may let want you to let go and at times life may feel like it is impossible to make it but as the saying goes "no pain no gain." Also responsibility plays a huge role in accomplishing goals. I remember when I was used to work at the law clinic at my ex university each time anyone was on duty you had to be responsible for the incoming calls and every other thing including advising clients which was a huge responsibility as we had to research on the advice to give clients. From this I learnt that without being responsible for thing you can never make it. I have chosen to study at your university because based on my researched I believe it is a diverse university very flexible and also the student/teacher ratio is quite good. Also I have found out that the campus life is suitable and excellent. I also found that your lecturer are first-class teaching lecturers especially the ones in the area I have chosen to study.

Don't be afraid to end the sentence and start a new one. "There was a plane crash. Everyone died, and it's likely the plane Antonia boarded." ---- oh my God, you really lost someone in a plane crash. I swear I am never going on a plane again... I'm sorry for your loss. It seems like such a crazy thing we do, flying in planes.

Losing someone so dear to you is like losing a precious priceless Gold. --- now wait a minute... it is not good to compare her to material stuff like gold.

What is up with this?---> I willAlways remember...

I will always remember the day my best friend passed away.

We went to elementary school together, and middle school together
and were ...

I thought to myself about the pain her parents must be going through losing an only child.

Everything felt abnormal to me that night. Life could be so cruel; laying on my bed that night brought memories -- memories of how we had planned to be successful lawyers from the day we watched a particular TV program as little children. --- very nice description! Add an adjective somewhere, an imagery word!

Use a comma here:
This may sound like a childish ideology, but from watching that TV program our great yearning to go to college and then law school started.

My heart's desire and long time goal is to be a lawyer, and the first stage in the long process that awaits me is to acquire a degree which I know I would do my very best in, in order to

accomplish my goal of becoming a lawyer one day. through your fine institution.

I have chosen to study at your university because based on my researched i believe it is is a diverse university and would be very flexible. for me .

It would be great if you had some more reasons, like maybe you want to learn from a particular professor at the school

Keep reading and writing for practice. You need to improve your writing in order to succeed as a lawyer. I recommend Strunk and White's Elements of Style.

Good luck!!! :-)

:-)

I

The start is rather weak. The feeling of losing a dear one is painful.To lose your best friend is even more hurting. Or something that grabs your attention. Try to keep it crisp so that it hits the reader with the greatest impact.

"There was a plane crash.Everyone died, and it's likely the plane Antonia boarded."

I am sorry for your loss.

Best of luck with your application.