The prompt is simply "Find X" Feedback, spelling, and grammar corrections would be greatly appreciated! Thks I feel like the ending is not very good.
Individuals meander though life, trying to discover the piece that will make them whole, and happy. For some, finding "X" is obtaining wealth, a soul mate, or a lifelong career. For me to "Find X" I would have to find a person. This missing variable in my life, is my mother. My mom was rendered homeless four years ago due to a gambling addiction. Addiction is a stigma for homeless people, but hardly are they portrayed as neighbors, friends, or parents. People may see her on the street, dirty, and alone, but "that homeless woman" they might point at, is the missing "X" in my life.
Whatever generosity, or kindness lies in my heart, Mom aided in bringing it out as she raised me. Born in Cambodia, she and her family came to America to escape starvation, and war turmoil. Consequently, my mom would stuff my plate until it was completely covered in food, and make me sit for hours until I finished it all. She would yell at me if there was one spoonful of rice in the trash. Mom was strict, in order to teach my bothers and I a lesson. Where my mom was brought up, a spoonful of rice could of meant the difference between life and death. She taught me to never take what I had for granted, and I never did. When I was given money as I kid, I would give it all to charity, just as my mom had.
In the second grade, I saw a homeless person for the first time, during my vacation in New York City. The homeless man had been rummaging through the garbage. I wanted to give him money, but unfortunately I did not have any. Instead, I gave him my leftovers from McDonalds. I had then hurried on to my folks, so I would not get lost, but I realized my mom had been watching me the whole time. "What's wrong?" I had asked her. She had been looking hard at the homeless man. Mom pointed, and made me witness other people giving to the same homeless man I gave to. "I watched them notice what you did. And now they want to give to." Honestly, the few people did not seem happy to give him pocket money, but they still did. Leadership is the word my mom used. She told me I was someone who people followed through example. It was then that I was inspired to lead others to do good deeds.
Often, the two of us would talk about our future goals. My mom said the title of her book, if she ever wrote one, would be, "The Irony of Life". Mom wanted to write it about coming to America to seek a better life, yet ending up homeless because of poor decisions. After she told me about her book title speculations, she gave me a necklace. It first belonged to my grandma, who was the reason my mom and her brothers survived the war. The necklace is a reminder of my grandma's sacrifices for her children. More importantly, it is a reminder of my mom's confidence that I will better utilize the opportunities America has. My mom wanted me to be able to achieve the education, and success she did not.
Despite my mother's current circumstances, I know she is the one responsible for my generous heart. Its her who inspired me to lead people to do good deeds. My mom taught me to never take things for granted, and to utilize the opportunities that are available to me. She also, indirectly, gave me a lesson on materialism. Everyone has a missing variable that will make them whole. I know who the missing variable in my life is, and "Finding X" is one in the same.
I was going to edit all of the grammer.. but I thought that you'll be better off if you change the format of the story a bit. I like the idea of you mentioning your mother's problem and how she has disappeared... I think you should elaborate on it more, focus on how she has affected your life and how devestating it is to find her in the state she was in. Talk about the last time you've spoken to her and all that emotional stuff. It's a good idea for an essay, but you should make it more personal and emotional rather than brief. I also think that it doesn't require a whole paragraph to explain how grateful you are to have all your family and friends around, it's more important to focus on your mother's issue.
And one more thing, seeing as the essay title is called "find x"... connect the essay with that sentence and refer to it more... It almost seems that you've written this essay before you came across the title and just thought it was a good match, you know what I mean?
I hope this helped...
I have to say that this is such an emotional essay, but it lacks some depth. Seeing how much you care about your mother you should elaborate on how much she had an impact on your life, and express more of your emotions about losing her.I agree with the comment above, you can say a lot of things but still be brief and concise.
fixed:My life has just begun as I am[near my high school graduation
Idk the last sentence seems a little weird, the topic is a strong topic just go in depth more and your essay would be perfect
"What's wrong?" I had asked her.
She had been looking hard at the homeless man.--This is a good, powerful sentence.
And now they want to give, too ." Honestly, the few
It's her who inspired me to lead ...This is great... I think you really did a great job. If you can somehow also use, as part of your explanation, your short term goals for these coming semesters in your chosen program, that would be a great connection to make. At the end of the essay, in the last paragraph, I think you did not add much new information. In that paragraph it would be great to add some kind of connection with those short term goals.
:-)
Where my mom was brought up, a spoonful of rice could have meant the difference between life and death.
When I was given money as a kid, I would give it all to charity, just as my mom had.
My mom wanted me to be able to achieve the education (no comma) and success that she could not accomplish.
I know who the missing variable in my life is, and "Finding X" is one in the same.
I don't understand the bit in italics..
I love this essay! I think you should clarify further where she is now, like whether she still is homeless or whether she lives with you guys again. and where did you go if she went homeless? It's a bit unclear...
And yeah, I agree with Susan that you can further develop the last paragraph by saying what you'll add to the university.
I hope this helped! :)
