Essay topic:
E - Personal Essay
Choose an issue of importance to you - the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope - and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation.
My Essay:
It was almost three years ago when I came to the U.S. However, I still remember the first days after my flight arrived at George Bush Intercontinental Airport. At that time, I was a student of a science university in Vietnam. I loved science, so I did not concentrate on learning English. Therefore, the first month I spent in the U.S. was the most embarrassing time period I've ever experienced. For instance, the immigration officer in the airport scorned me because I did not understand what he told me. He disrespectfully dragged me to his office to finish my application. I remember what he said to his co-workers: "How can he [me] not speak English at his [my] age?" I will never forget this incident, not because I feel a vindictive hatred for his acts, but because I want to remember the importance of language. This memory has been a motivation for me to study English, as well as all other courses. I do not want people to judge my intelligence or my knowledge based on a lack of fluency in English. Therefore, after I came to the U.S., I immediately registered at Houston Community College and started studying there the next Spring, even though my family wished for me to take time to familiarize myself with the life in the U.S.
The life in the U.S. was very different from the one in Vietnam. For instance, learning to drive was very challenging because I had not driven a car in Vietnam. During the first semester, my lack of basic skills in English also raised difficulties for me in school. I took only two classes in Pre-college Programs to improve my English skills. However, I spent nearly the first semester without improvements because I could not understand what my professor said. I thought the classes I was taking were at higher academic level than what I had accomplished in Vietnam. Accordingly, I decided to take the next semester with full-time classes in the English for Speakers of Other Languages Program, and this was, I think, an appropriate choice. In those classes, there were many students like me who were having trouble with English. I learned how to read, how to do presentation, and most importantly, how to write. Yes, this was the first time I had ever written an essay that was longer than one page and contained more than two paragraphs. After taking those courses, I felt more confident in my English skills and began to focus on classes for my major, Computer Science.
I really enjoy studying in the U.S. The only problem is I have to learn the information in English. I have to explain what I know in English to my professors and my friends during the discussion. Most of professors are very nice when they listen to me. Every time I run into troubles with vocabulary or struggle with explaining an answer, they help me with it. I have to thank them for this. They make me have confidence in myself. However, everything is not as easy when I work in team. My teammates have to be very patient to understand what I say. They usually help me to correct my words. Sometimes, they work with me, but they try to avoid talking to me. These behaviors often discourage me. However, I know that they are just links in my English development, so I ignore their acts. I will never give up because of them.
I know I need more time to improve my English, and I know English is extremely important in my future. Computer Science is not a major which requires people to have a strong communication skills, but in the U.S., English is always a key to success. Computer scientists work in groups most of the time, and having colleagues understand one another is very important. Therefore, learning English is my top priority on the way of becoming a successful scientist. Besides, with good English skills, I can read books and understand the new knowledge quickly and deeply. Languages cannot restrict me in this competitive world.
Hello,
At Admissions Advice Online, we always encourage students to paint the best picture of themselves in their application for admissions. While I fully understand what you are trying to say here, the picture that you paint is one of not being comfortable with the English language at this point. Unfortunately, this is not the picture that you want to paint especially for admissions to UT Austin, one of the top Universities in Texas. A great way to revamp this essay would be to attack it only from a point of strength. Focus on your improvements and how quickly you have made them. For instance, you could say, " In only 3 short months, I went from knowing a handful of words in English, to being able to write multi-page essays." Highlight improvements while showing the growth you expect while at UT- Austin. Also, you need to talk more about how you specifically want to grow as a scientist by taking advantage of the resources available there.
Hope this helps!
You are right. When I write this essay, I think whether UT Austin will decline my application if they know language is still my problem. Your advice makes me clear on it. Thank you so much. I will correct and let you and everybody comment on it
It's best to be honest with your abilities and your situation in your essays. Don't lie or elaborate what is not true but try to appear the best you can and highlight your strengths as well as trials and how you overcame or even accepted them. Each school looks for different things and there are a lot of great universities and colleges in Texas...UT Austin just being one of them.
If you muddle your way in then you might find out it's a bad fit and your grades start to suffer as well as money wasted on a school you can't either fit in, afford or make it at.
I think UT Austin does have programs though for ESL students transfering or applying in. So you should be safe. Just focus more on the good stuff but also let them know how you overcame your insecurity and weakness. Just be honest with your progress in it.
Try to avoid Admissions2012 advice.
Keep that in mind.
Thanks for your advice. I will finish my Associate degree this Fall with a good GPA and required courses to transfer, so now and in the future, it is the time for me to improve my language skills and study harder. After reading your comment, I feel more confident about my process. Thank you for that. I know if I am accepted, there are still a lot of challenges waiting for me. However, I still want to go there to study, so I will put my 100% effort into my application and be ready for the next challenges.
Talking about me, I have been here for almost three years. What I wrote in the essay is my experience in the U.S. Of course, it it definitely true. When I came here, my English is nearly zero. I aware that my English is better day by day. The point is that I worry about if UT Austin admission will consider my language issue as a obstacle to study there. I want to be accepted but also want to describe what I experienced truthfully. Therefore, I think Admissions2012 want me to explain both of them.
If anybody has some advice for me, please feel free to comment. I need it. Thanks.
....
Be honest with your biggest challenges and obstacles and be honest with your best progress too. Don't limit or elaborate any of that. Admissions will catch you and most all schools have programs for foreign students that are ESL. Make sure you nail HIGH SCORES on the TOEFL and IETLS tests too. they'll base your admittance heavily on that exam you'll take.
But consider other schools in Texas. There are so many good ones but UT Austin is one of the top Engineering in the country. I understand though about your situation with the English barrier as an immigrant. I used to be one of them.
My advice is the same as Admission2012 but better. He just wants your money and posts the same ONE PARAGRAPH advice to everyone with no real actual edits.
"have a strong communication skills" (skills being plural)...no need for the indefinite article "a"
A, An and The are in the same usage but usually A, AN are singular and THE is for plural but there is no need.
you can use THE but the rule is to shorten unnecessary words.
without A AN or THE...it's still correct.
That's what Admissions2012 should be doing.
But he doesn't. You need to pay him lots of $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ first.
lol.
Trust me.
Clearly sksbl88 is upset with what I had to say to him in another post here:
As I have said time and time again - and any of my actual clients can vouch for - I give the same exact advice here that I do to my private clients. I do it here for free. There have been many times that I have directed students to this forum,
The bottom line is you can shadow post me all you want. My record speaks for itself. Last admissions cycle I helped 78 students get accepted to Ivy League or other top 15 Colleges across the country.I also helped more than 132 MBA students get into top 10 MBA programs across the globe. You will not find one former client of mine that did not get into their target school. The reality is I have actual admissions experience. Not only as an applicant, but also as an admissions officer at a super selective school. Because of this, I see applications the way they do. While there are always exceptions to the rule, most schools have a set profile of the type of students they want. Most students on this forum want to go to top programs. The advice I give is always geared towards them getting into those programs. Grammar can be easily fixed during the polishing of an essay. As a former admissions officer, I know that content is king and because of that, that is what I exclusively focus on. The advice I gave Kido here is Solid. For you to try to negate or diminish that in any way because of your personal qualms with me is a disservice to this forum.
First, I need both of you to calm down. We should not argue with each other. Both of you want to help me with my essay. I really thank you for that.
Second, Each of you has different views about essays. That is totally ok because students need various comments about their essays to make it better and get acceptance or higher grades. Please don't point your argument at anybody and make them mad. We are here because of essays. We love writing and being friend with everyone who need our opinions. Knowledge is priceless, and i think both of you know that. we don't want to come to any place with a strained environment.
Finally, I appreciate your ideas and need both of you to help me and everybody here. Thank you so much.
"I give the same exact advice here that I do to my private clients. I do it here for free."
Redundancy in your successive sentence.
"There have been many times that I have directed students to this forum,"
Comma used instead of a period.
"Unfortunately, this is not the picture that you want to paint especially for admissions to UT Austin, one of the top Universities in Texas."
Capitalizing 'Universities' when it does not speak of the actual name of an institution or a specific group of institutions but just a simple university in Texas.
"My record speaks for itself."
And I assume their wallets spoke to you as well making your day better.
Try harder.
-Don't belittle a veteran or state his military service is a lame excuse- There is a reason I'm not very content with you.
What are you trying to prove? That you actually attended English 103? You didn't have an excuse to skip that class? Like I have said several times here, I focus solely on content. There are many grammar czars here to take care of the grammar aspect. At the end of the day, I hold several Ivy League degrees. You can't even finish one and are looking for a BACKDOOR way into a decent university because you do not have the requirements to compete with others. You are lazy and incompetent. You can't even grammar check correctly. Please just go finish your applications and hope that you can backdoor your way into a decent university. You are seriously in no position to be helping others. You are certifiable 5150. There I said It. Now I will NO LONGER respond to anything you have to say. Go grammar check that!
To the original poster. Please open a new thread with your revised essay so that you can get some real help. I am really sorry for this. For your troubles I will give you a free unlimited package and will help you with all essays to all the transfer schools you wish to apply to. Again sorry.
I wasn't correcting his but yours. Why do you have to brag that you have several Ivy League degrees and I'm less of a person because I won't get one for an undergraduate? Graduate school is a possibility I wish to accomplish at one or even Stern if feasible. All schools at the university I'm applying too are excellent. That's hard to argue against. Many people here are applying to decent colleges or above average universities. Another veteran here also applied to that same school I wish to attend. Are we both as you call...lazy and incompetent?
A majority on here are applying even for vocational or technical schools as well as just trying to get by with the IETLS and TOEFL exams.
You're going to offer her a free unlimited package? Write her essays for her and change to what you want to say but not who she is? Why free? Why not with a price tag as you wish?
We come here to offer free help to each and be supportive even if our essays are disastrous. We all have academic dreams and aspirations and constructive critical criticism is what we need.
Not those immature comments above.
Just because I might not get into my school does not make me lazy or incompetent of an individual or a failure as you stated.
5150...had to look that gem up as it eluded me. How did you know? Personal experience? Possibility I guess.
I'm tired of falling to your level. This gives me an itch I can't scratch.
Good day.
I am a "he" not "she" or "her". :) Thanks for admission2012's offer and thank you guys for ruining my thread. I don't have anything to say. Oh. by the way, sksbl88, I asked UT Austin's Admission. They say I don't need to take TOEFL test because I have been taking classes at my school until I transfer. This thread should end now.
I revise my essay and also finish the other. Could everybody continue to comment about the idea and grammar of the essays? I will appreciate your help. I haven't decided my titles yet, so please tell me your idea about the title of my essays if you have. Thank you.
First essay: Statement of Purpose
The statement of purpose will provide an opportunity to explain any extenuating circumstances that you feel could add value to your application. You may also want to explain unique aspects of your academic background or valued experiences you may have had that relate to your academic discipline. The statement of purpose is not meant to be a listing of accomplishments in high school or a record of your participation in school-related activities. Rather, this is your opportunity to address the admission committee directly and to let us know more about you as an individual, in a manner that your transcripts and the other application information cannot convey.
My essay:
Becoming a computer scientist has been my dream since I was twelve years old. At that time, computers were very expensive. Only few families having a son or daughter who was admitted into a famous university tried to buy computers. They bought computers when they did not have another choice because their sons and daughters could not continue studying computer science without a computer. My family also bought a computer for my brother after he had this trouble. It was very expensive. I know that because before and after purchasing this computer, my parents had to work harder than they did. Four years later, when my brother graduated and brought the computer home, was the first time I saw a real computer. I touched it with the most happiness I ever experienced. I sat close to it while my brother was working with it. I learned how to use it by watching my brother. It was very amazing time of my life. I knew that this was the tool I would work with in my future and the field I would put my creativity and innovativeness in order to develop it. I loved science, so my dream at this time was practicable. I earned a high grade on the science exam required for university entrance after I graduated from high school. I studied at the most famous university in the South of my country, Ho Chi Minh City University of Technology. I had been studying there for almost two years before I came to the U.S.
The dream in childhood was not the only reason I choose my major. I did great deal of researches about it. I asked my brothers who have worked many years in this field. I read a lot of books, joined technology forums, and went to some meetings to learn more about what my major could do. I am really interesting in the idea of artificial intelligence. Computer scientists can create it to serve people especially in medical works. Besides, computer science associates with mechanical engineering create many fantastic products which take the place of humans in dangerous missions. For instance, an amazing product like a probotic bom-detecting can take the critical risk for soldiers in the war. Furthermore, I enjoy computer science because it provides opportunities for creativity and innovativeness. In this field, I can think freely about what I can create because there are still many applied products waiting for me to develop and perfect in order to serve people more effectively. The future opportunities in computer science are without boundaries. It makes the ideas in science fiction become real. Lastly, computing compliments occur through for both collaborative and individual effort. Computer scientists can work together to create extensive and complex software, or they can work individually to create apps for tablet, phone, and computer to serve personal requirements.
My mother realized that America is a place of opportunities. She knew I could have a better chance of learning and exploring new world with my ability, so she decided to bring me to America. However, she did not know that I had to face with harder challenge when I came to the U.S.: Finding the way to fit in with a new culture. I have to use a new language as well as be familiar with a new study environment. I do not have a role model who can give me some advice before I make any big decisions. Nevertheless, I do not think it is a difficulty but an opportunity that U.S. has granted to help me become more independent.
The U.S. is a big country with a modern technology. It gives me a chance to experience different advance technology products that I have never seen in Vietnam. It has been an eye-opening opportunity for me to know more about those amazing products. I also have an opportunity to study up to date information about my major. With me, the more I know about computer science, the more excited I am to study about it. In general, it always has been my dream to become a scientist and I know that persuading a degree in this area at University of Texas Austin is my next step to fulfill my dream.
Second essay: Personal Essay
Choose an issue of importance to you - the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope - and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation.
My essay:
It has been almost three years ago when I came to the U.S. I still remember the early days after my flight arrived at George Bush Intercontinental Airport. Before coming to the US, I was a student at a science university in Vietnam. My focus was entirely on science at the time, so I did not concentrate on learning English. That did not prepare me well for the new life in the US. Therefore, the first month living in the U.S. was the most embarrassing time period I have ever experienced. For instance, the immigration officer at the airport dismissed me because I could not understand his instructions. He had to take me to his office to finish my application, and I felt humiliated to be singled out in that manner. I remember what he said to other officers: "How can he [me] not speak English at his [my] age?" I will never forget this incident, not because I feel resentment for the officer, but because this incident taught me the importance of language. This incident has been a strong motivation for me to learn English. I realized not being able to speak English in the U.S. can make me a victim of misjudgments, a situation I wish not to find myself in. Therefore, soon after coming to the U.S., I registered at Houston Community College and started taking classes the next spring, even though my family wished for me to take time to familiarize myself with the life in the U.S.
The life in the U.S. is very different from the one in Vietnam. For instance, learning to drive was ...
I really enjoy studying in the U.S. The only problem is I have to learn the information in English. I have to explain my thoughts and ideas in English to my professors and my friends during class discussions. Most of my professors have been patient and helpful when they listen to me. Every time I run into trouble with vocabulary or struggle with explaining an answer, they help me with it. However, everything is not as easy when I work in a team with other students. My teammates have to be very patient to understand what I say. They usually help me to correct my words. We work together on assignments as needed, but beyond that, the language barrier really limits the socializing between us. I wish I could enjoy our leisure conversations more, to be a part of the team, and I understand that my language struggle is only a temporary step along the way of leaning English, so I am not discouraged by it. I tried to learn English harder, even when I am at home. I learn more vocabulary and made as many conversations as I can with my siblings. I have them create many different scenarios for me to apply the vocabulary and truly understand the meaning, so I could get used to it. After a year doing this strategy, I get better at catching up with class. I am able to explain my ideas and have longer conversation with my group mates.
I continued to finish the courses I need to take without any problems. Sometimes, I noticed that I read the books slower than my friends had to take a little time before saying anything. However, I constantly remind myself that it takes time to master a new language and that English is extremely important in my future. Even though Computer Science is generally not known as a career which requires extensive communication skills, having a strong command of English is still a key to success in the US and beyond. Computer scientists work with highly technical information and often on team projects, and having colleagues understand one another clearly is essential for efficient collaboration. My life experience in the US so far has taught me that language is the vehicle to achievements and to make learning English as my first priority. It will pave the way for my education and career as a scientist ahead.
