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'Lucky to be borned in the US in a rich home' - revising my NYU Supplemental



wesrenxc 2 / 3  
Oct 13, 2012   #1
Prompt: What intrigues you? Tell us about one work of art, scientific achievement, piece of literature, method of communication, or place in the world (a film, book, performance, website, event, location, etc.), and explain its significance to you.

Essay: When I was young, my parents often told me how lucky I was to be born in the United States in such a rich home and I would always think to myself, Lucky!? All of my friends already have laptops and I don't even have my own phone! However, my viewpoints completely changed when my family and I went to visit their homes that they lived in when they were little. Their house was a tiny run down shack but what really intrigued me was the size of their one bedroom. It was only half the size of my bedroom and contained only a bed, and a tiny drawer. I learned that my mom and her two brothers and her parents had to squeeze into this tiny room to sleep. She and her brothers and sisters had to sleep on the cold, hard ground while her parents could sleep on the bed. She also told me that she had to walk miles each day just to go to school. What was really mind boggling was that even with her horrible living conditions, she managed to endure and thrive to escape to move to the United States and build a family in a better environment. After witnessing my parent's lives when they were little, I now appreciate the little things such as a bus to take me to school instead of walking miles. Also, my parent's endurance and rock solid motivation to build a better family has instilled in me one of my most valuable qualities, to never give up even when all hope seems lost.

Thanks for any revisions =D

Leonunes 1 / 2  
Oct 13, 2012   #2
Better like this: When I was young, my parents often told me how lucky I was to be born in the United States in such a rich home and I would always think to myself:Lucky!? All of my friends already have laptops and I don't even have my own phone! However, my viewpoint completely changed when my family and I went to visit the homes wherethey lived in when they were little. Their house was a tiny run down shack but what really intrigued me was the size of their one bedroom. It was only half the size of mine and only contained a bed and a tiny drawer. I learned that my mom, her two brothers and her parents had to squeeze into this tiny room to sleep. They had to sleep on the cold, hard ground while her parents could sleep on the bed. She also told me that she had to walk miles each day just to go to school. What was really mind boggling was that even with her horrible living conditions, she managed to endure and thrive to escape to move to the United States and build a family in a better environment. After witnessing my parent's lives when they were little, I now appreciate the little things such as a bus to take me to school instead of walking miles. Also, my parent's endurance and rock solid motivation to build a better family has instilled in me one of my most valuable qualities, to never give up even when all hope seems lost.

Thanks for any revisions =D
JoannaM 2 / 6  
Oct 13, 2012   #3
The last sentence "Also, my parent's endurance and rock solid motivation to build a better family has instilled in me one of my most valuable qualities, to never give up even when all hope seems lost." seems to be a little disjointed from the rest of the essay, I would find some way to revise it so that it flows better with the essay!

I am also doing this topic for NYU please check it out if you have the time?
hr5556 1 / 1  
Oct 13, 2012   #4
My only worry about this essay is that it doesn't adequately respond to the prompt. The subject matter is excellent, but it seems like more of an essay about your personal experience with something rather than what intrigues you as a person.


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