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"a man was trying to get in" - UC Prompt- experience


radkate 4 / 8  
Nov 18, 2010   #1
I'm wondering if my essay works for the prompt. I am using it for the Common App as well, so I changed it around to try to make it fit. Any feedback on the essay and content are greatly appreciated!

Prompt: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution, or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?

I don't trust myself in haunted houses, or watching scary movies. I am excitable, too ready to scream or jump up at any moment, not thinking about the embarrassment that I am causing myself. I like security, and knowing exactly what is going on and what I can expect.

Ironically though, the very experience that has had the greatest impact on my life thus far was the exact situation that under normal circumstances, I would avoid.

It was sophomore year, and I was home relaxing downstairs after a minimum day of school. Later, as I headed upstairs, I looked into the glass of a painting mounted on the wall. There I saw the reflection of the backyard where, positioned at the sliding glass door, a man was trying to get in. At first, I panicked and ran upstairs to where I could stand behind the wall and see the intruder without being visible myself. From there, I contemplated the options before me: fleeing out the front door, running to get the cell phone I had left downstairs, or screaming loudly enough to ward him off. But I didn't want to find out if he was armed, or if I would be outnumbered. So I ran to my room and locked the door.

From the shelter of my room, I could hear two men enter my home. I could hear the sounds of lifting and shifting, the grunts of the men and the sound of boxes sliding across the wood floor.

Looking back, I should have been more afraid. The excitable me would be the one I expected to be present. And yet I was calm, removed from the situation, as if my panic-stricken self had risen up to look down as the real me tried to make rational decisions. I comprehended the severity of the situation, but I was able to remain clear-headed and adapt to the situation before me, and survey the options I had.

Eventually I heard them in my sister's room, adjacent to my own, opening drawers and emptying the contents. I heard heavy footsteps across the creaking, carpet-covered floor. I watched as someone on the other side jiggled my door handle and cursed the lock under his breath. The burglar had spoken, he had given me something to identify him with, and all of a sudden it became very real. In that moment, I was terrified. I wanted to scream, to allow myself to be discovered, just to cut the suspense. But I could not allow my fear to take over, because once I did, it would run wild, traveling through my body to every muscle and every limb. So I waited.

In the end, the door stayed locked, the robbers left, and I was safe. The home invasion- a name that, to me, seems particularly appropriate- was shaking. My space and safety had been invaded and for the first time, I had been the victim of a crime.

Yet after this ordeal I held a strange sense of pride. The word "victim" is tricky because although I had been robbed of my sense of safety and of personal possessions, the experienced allowed me to see myself in a different light. Never before had I experienced something that had so acutely tested my ability to remain calm and rely on my instincts. I saw that I will be able to cope with not just the unexpected events of life, but also the high-stress job as the physician I aim to be, where decisions need to be made quickly and rationally. The robbery changed me in a way that made me more ready to go through the challenges of life, to confront the world with confidence, and more willing to do so.
gellizard 1 / 1  
Nov 18, 2010   #2
I liked your topic, I was interested the whole time while reading it
But I personally think that the reader would be expecting that you did something about the situation, like calling the cops or something, because that would show a great deal of courage. I'm not saying that what you did wasn't courageous or anything, but I think the readers would be a little disappointed that you didn't do anything. I don't think you should change your topic though. Also there were some parts like "relaxing downstairs after a minimum day of school" that I thought may be unneccessary.

I really liked your intro!
Sorry if some of the stuff I said doesn't make sense D; and I hope I was at least someeee help

And if you can, can you please read my essay and tell me what you think of it?
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 27, 2010   #3
Ironically though, the very experience that has had the greatest impact on my life thus far was the exact situation that under normal circumstances, I would avoid.---At this point in the essay you have not explicitly stated that you avoid situations of uncertainty, so this sentence is kind of unhelpful. I think you could leave it out, and the essay would still be great. Leave it out, and replace it with a sentence that tells the "moral of the story," the message of the essay.

So I ran to my room and locked the door.---This sentence might not be necessary. It seems to reflect negatively on you, like a kid hiding under the blankets to escape monsters in the closet. Can you replace this sentence with a sentence that shows the reader what you are trying to show? What impression are you trying to make?

so acutely tested my ability to remain calm and rely on my instincts. ------it seems like the story shows that you were NOT able to act effectively to protect yourself, etc. The way you told the story, it seems like you had time to do a lot of things, but you did not. I am not saying it is bad that you did not find a phone or escape the house; I just think you should acknowledge in the essay what you could have done more effectively. You can write about the way the experience helped you to know yourself better, and I like the way you explained that, but I think it is important to evaluate what happened a little more and acknowledge what you could have done better if you had used that feeling of dissosiation to your advantage by taking action to escape or call for help.

:-)


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