Prompt: In an essay of 300 words or less, write about how your personal or academic interests relate to your intellectual or professional goals.
***my essay is 400 words as is, any ideas on how to shorten it? Also, does it fit the prompt? Any ideas on improvement? Please provide some constructive criticism, brutally critical please (I'm not a glutton for pain, just want to perfect this essay)***
Nearly 10 years ago, in the Spring of 1999, I left everything I knew to join the ranks of The Few and The Proud. For five rewarding years, the Marines instilled in me values like leadership, sacrifice, perseverance, integrity, commitment and loyalty. At the time, it never dawned on me how these intangibles complement business success.
After an honorable discharge, I came home and was informed by my parents of there desire to start up a new business. I ambitiously took the reigns and made it my personal responsibility to grow it from ground up into the thriving business it is today. After closing on an ideal location for our dry cleaners at the base of a condominium, I designed grand opening fliers with coupons and had a friends printing company make me 4000 copies which I distributed weeks prior to opening. Research revealed to me what competitors were charging for similar services, allowing me to price strategically.
Business being slow for the 1st month was expected, but when we were struggling to break even for the 2nd month, I knew we needed to get aggressive. I remembered a conversation I had with a customer earlier that year. Her issue was this: She worked 9-5. UPS deliveries come between those hours. Packages sent to her couldn't be left in the condo's lobby area for obvious reasons! I came to the realization that there must be many people with the same dilemma. I contacted the management office and proposed an offer to them. I would have a secure storage area built within my business and would sign for, inventory and notify recipients, all for a reasonable service fee of course. More important than the funds received from the condo association, was the exposure from handling packaging for 600 units. Ever since, business is thriving. I've hired employees and pride myself in being a great manager. I focus on leading and motivating people, priceless lessons I learned in the Corps. This contagious attitude keeps a premium on the people who do the work instead of fixating on the bottom line
My involvements in life thus far, from serving five years in the Marines, to successfully starting a new business, have provided me with a wealth of unique experiences and leadership opportunities. Provided the honor, I will passionately engage in my next challenge, to be top business student at Illinois.
Overall a well-written essay. The only major criticism I can think of is that you don't really talk about how becoming a business student relates to your goals, though one can assume you believe the education will help you in your endeavors to grow your family business.
As to how you can cut it down to size, you could try breaking it up into two essays, one about your time in the Marines and one about your challenge in starting up a new business. Connecting the two is sort of neat, but it does take up room. Most applications have an extra, optional essay you can write to cover anything you couldn't work in to the mandatory ones, so you could use one essay for that and the other for this.
Alternatively, you could try condensing the second paragraph into one or two sentences, and merging them with the third paragraph. You service in the Marines is admirable. Your ability to deal creatively with the challenges of starting a new business is likewise admirable. Carrying out the basic work of setting up the business for opening day is neat, but it doesn't grip the reader with a sense of your brilliance, so if you have to cut something, this is where you would start.
Some very minor grammatical points:
"commitment, and loyalty"
"I came home and was informed by my parents of their desire to start up a new business."
"to grow it from the ground up into the thriving business it is today"
"and had a friend's printing company make me 4000 copies"
"my business and would sign for and inventory packages, and notify recipients" I'm sure you weren't actually inventorying the recipients :-)
"More important than the funds received from the condo association, was the exposure from handling packaging for 600 units." Omit the comma in this sentence.
EF_Sean
Wow, thanks for the rapid response!
The "only major criticism" you pointed out has me brainstorming. You see, the folks are retiring, selling the business to collect rent and pay off the business loan on property with that.
soo...
PERSONAL goals = Successful leader/manager of my own company, possibly in the consulting field.
I'm trying to think how to tie this in... any broad suggestions?
Oh, and Illinois does allow for an optional essay, but I was actually considering using that space to explain why I have so many credit hours. (changed majors from engineering to business at my community college)
Once again, my sincere thanks for your amazingly fast response. Hope to get more feedback from you later! Have a good one.
Tying in your personal goals should be easy -- it would flow naturally from the end of your third paragraph, giving your essay the following structure based on the current course of your life: Marines -- business operator -- business owner. Only you would obviously like to learn more about how business works before transitioning into the third step.
The only problem is that this is going to make your essay longer, and you were looking for advice to shorten it. Even if you condense most of the second paragraph as I suggested, you'll be hard pressed to include everything. Splitting the essay into two would probably do it, though. Is having a lot of credit hours a particularly bad thing that you need to justify in an essay dedicated to the topic? If not, you might find having an essay dedicated to your experience in the Marines more worthwhile. It would almost certainly be more interesting. There are certain experiences that people just naturally find impressive and want to learn more about, and being in the Marines is one of them.
EF_Sean
The school's business program frowns upon excessive credit hours upon transfer. Not only that, I would like to explain my slightly lower GPA, which resulted from juggling around some engineering courses while working over 40 hours a week. However, I do agree with you that focusing that optional essay on the Marines may be a better choice.
Anyhow, I shortened up the original essay I posted and would appreciate your help once again. If it seems too broad or rushed, I may just end up making 2 essays out of it like you suggested.
Actually, I think your second draft came out quite nicely. It's focused and specific, so if you feel the need to use your optional essay to cover other material, this should stand you in good stead.
The only advice I have left concerns minor fixes to the following two sentences:
"I've learned that this contagious attitude on management keeps a premium on the people who do the work instead of fixating on the bottom line." This sentence seems a bit awkward to me, especially the first part. How exactly is leading and motivating people a "contagious attitude?"
"An Illinois education with its world renowned professors . . ." Same thing here. The education doesn't really have professors, the university does. The education is something more abstract.
Apart from those two tiny changes, I'd say you are pretty much ready to submit. Good luck. I hope you get in.
EF_Sean
Thanks again Sean. I rewrote the sentences in question...
The Corps taught me to focus on leading and motivating, while manifesting a premium on the people who do the work instead of fixating on the bottom line.
and
An education at Illinois' distinguished College of Business would equip me with the groundwork necessary to fulfill my ambition of becoming a consummate leader in the business world.
Are these okay?
These look good. The comma is unnecessary in the first one, but it it the sort of place where a writer has some discretion as to whether or not to use a comma, so it is okay. Both sentences are good now.
this is an updated version of the essay that I think may fit the prompt a little better. What do you think? Which should I go with or should I scratch and start over?
In the spring of 1999, I left everything I knew to join the ranks of "The Few and The Proud." Through five devoted years, the Marines infused in me values such as leadership, sacrifice, perseverance, integrity, commitment, and loyalty. In the Marines, everything from our culture, to management style and decision making process is geared towards high-speed, high-complexity environments." Back then, the idea never dawned on me how similar the business environment can be.
...
Overall, I thought your original version was stronger. Specifically, the sentence structures in the new version tend to be more awkward than their original counterparts.
I did think this sentence was an improvement though: "Packages sent to her could not be left in the condo's lobby area for obvious liability reasons."
So, I'd go with the first essay, but replace the original version of the above sentence with the new one.
BTW, as far as the two revised sentences in your earlier post, the second one is fine. The first one is pretty good, though I'd go with: "The Corps taught me to focus on leading and motivating, while placing a premium on the people who do the work instead of fixating on the bottom line."
From scorching summers in Afghanistan to frozen winters in South Korea, I'd lie awake at night; eyes closed, reflecting on the past and envisioning life after The Corps. Values the Marines instilled in me such as leadership, sacrifice, perseverance, integrity, commitment, and loyalty had me feeling like I could accomplish anything and the invaluable experiences of working with people from different cultures to achieve common goals would spur my interest in international business.
Is there anyway to polish this paragraph? Any ideas on how to polish this paragraph?
Right now it seems incomplete and rushed. here are some ideas:
Throughout scorching summers in Afghanistan and frozen winters in South Korea, I'd lie awake at night, reflecting on the past and envisioning life after The Corps. Right here, add a sentence about how your experience was creating in you a desire to make a difference as an international businessperson. Say something eaningful and memorable. Values the Marines instilled in me such as leadership, sacrifice, perseverance, integrity, commitment, and loyalty had me feeling like I could accomplish anything. Write a sentence about how you would like to apply these values as a businessperson. The invaluable experiences of working with people from different cultures to achieve common goals would spur my interest in international business.
Kevin makes some good suggestions. Additionally, you could add in an anecdote that demonstrates how you showed leadership while working with people of different cultures as a Marine. This might put you over in terms of word count, though.
I can't tell if this is getting better or worse.
***********
In the spring of 1999, I left everything I knew to join the ranks of "The Few and The Proud." Through five devoted years, the Marines infused in me values like sacrifice, perseverance, integrity, commitment, and loyalty. Attaining the rank of Sergeant provided me opportunities to lead Marines in missions ranging from relief efforts in Indonesia to tours in Afghanistan and have defined me as a leader. Although I did not know it then, the values I learned and leadership experiences I encountered would assist me with my business ventures today.
Upon returning home, my parents shared with me their desire to start a new small business. I ambitiously took the reigns and made it my personal responsibility to see the business flourish by taking creative and aggressive initiatives. One example in particular was triggered from a conversation I had with a customer that complained how package deliveries came during work hours and couldn't be left in the condo's lobby area for liability reasons. Taking her needs into consideration, I collaborated with the management office to come up with a business proposal and contract. For a monthly service charge to the condo association, I would have a secure space built in our workplace, sign for and inventory packages, and notify recipients. More vital than the monthly revenue received from the association, however, was the exposure from exclusively handling packaging for over 600 homeowner units. Due to these types of creative solutions my business is thriving and employee satisfaction is outstanding. The Corps taught me to focus on placing a premium on the people who do the work rather than constantly obsessing over the bottom line and I take pride in being an exceptional manager by implementing this philosophy.
My life experiences thus far have provided me with a wealth of unique lessons learned and now I wish to take my business acumen and leadership adeptness to an even higher level of refinement. I am excited to have the opportunity to use my tenacity and creative problem solving and apply it in the business environment, and believe an education at Illinois' distinguished College of Business will equip me with all the necessary groundwork to fulfill my ambition of becoming a consummate leader in the business world.
I didn't specify, but for the above revised version, can someone please proofread it for grammar, flow, focus, etc.?
One example in particular was triggered by a conversation I had with a customer who complained about how package deliveries came during work hours and couldn't be left in the condo's lobby area for liability reasons.
The Corps taught me to focus on placing a premium on the people who do the work rather than constantly obsessing over the bottom line. I take pride in being an exceptional manager by implementing this philosophy.
Much better! I made a few suggestions here, but it looks great.
good luck
:)
Thanks for the suggestions Kevin!
is the last sentence awkward because of length?
I am excited to have the opportunity to use my tenacity and creative problem solving and apply it in the business environment, and believe an education at Illinois' distinguished College of Business will equip me with all the necessary groundwork to fulfill my ambition of becoming a consummate leader in the business world.
I am excited to have the opportunity to use my tenacity and creative problem solving and apply it in the business environment. I believe an education at Illinois' distinguished College of Business will equip me with all the necessary groundwork to fulfill my ambition of becoming a consummate leader in the business world.
What do you think of separating it like this?
thanks again Kevin, I think I am ready to submit
