"I am the master of my fate + Communication technology" - Brown Supplements

Hello! I'm applying to Brown and here are the two drafts that I've written for the supplement questions. I really need help! Thanks, R+R :]!

Please tell us more about your interest in Brown: Why does Brown appeal to you as a college option? Who or what has influenced your decision to apply? (1000 Characters Maximum)

One of my favorite poets, William Henley once wrote "I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul." I understand that college is a time of education and preparation for a career. Yet I enter college reflecting Henley's sentiments: it is a time for self-discovery and independence as well.

Brown University, with its spirit of free inquiry and its unique open curriculum, endows students with the responsibility of choosing their own courses, essentially making them "captains" of their education. I do not claim to know what I want to do in the future, but I want to pave my path with my own decisions and choices by taking full advantage of the academic independence offered at Brown. I enter college as a lost ship, and Brown will allow me to take the wheel and navigate my way through the unknown seas.

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Why are you drawn to the academic fields you indicated in the Anticipated Degree and Academic Interest questions above? (1000 Characters Maximum)

During the past fifty years, communication has changed drastically with the advent of new technologies such as cell phones and computers, and with innovations like email, online chatting, and texting. Relationships have followed suit: many now interact through online social networks such as Facebook; even dating has been moved to the Internet with websites like eHarmony.

As a sociology enthusiast, nothing could be more exciting than these new forms of communication. Relationships...
...

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I do not claim to know what I want to do in the future, but I want to pave my path with my own decisions and choices by taking full advantage of the academic independence offered at Brown. This seems a bit wordy.

... such as cell phones and computers.andW ith innovations like email, online chatting, and texting, r elationships have followed suit. M any now interact through ...

Your responses were fine. I like the first one, but the second one left me a bit confused. I'm not quite sure what sociology has to do with new forms of communication, unless there's a specialized sociology stream at Brown for it.

I feel the opposite about your essays.

Your reply to the first one is going to be the answer of probably 25,000 other applicants as well. The New Curriculum is something that everyone mentions. The real way for you to make this angle unique though is maybe describing something really specific about the New Curriculum or how it and you match out perfectly.

Your second answer seems really clean to me on the other hand. I might have a false understanding of what a sociology major does but hopefully I'm correct. Except, maybe go into more about why YOU like the major. You touch on it at the very end when you say that you want to learn about ourselves but maybe more of a why do you want to.

Hey guys! I've revamped my second short answer entirely, tell me what you think!

Why are you drawn to the academic fields you indicated in the Anticipated Degree and Academic Interest questions above?

My curiosity in people as well as my desire to help others led me to an interest in the field of sociology. I am naturally inclined to watching the relationships around me, and an education in sociology would help me transform this interest into a passion that is both vital and pragmatic.

Sociology is constantly evolving. From generation to generation, values constantly change, as do the reactions and decisions that such values influence. Recent technological advancements- with the unprecedented avenues of communication they create-only serve to heighten these gaps. Thus, the sociologist must be a pioneer as well as a historian, and his job is not only to learn from the past, but to discover from the present as well. In this golden age of interpersonal connections and global networking, there are gold mines of knowledge to be discovered-I anticipate jumping into the fray and learning about the most intriguing subject of all: ourselves.

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I want to increase efficiency:
My curiosity in people as well as my and desire to help others led me to an interest in the field of sociology.

I am naturally inclined to watching the relationships around me, and an education in sociology would help me transform this interest into a passion that is both vital and pragmatic. (Right here, add a short thesis statement that captures the essence of what you intend to do in the field of soc. )

Sociology is constantly evolving. Too obvious! Let's give a different topic sentence for this paragraph, one that supports the main idea of the essay.

From generation to generation, values constantly change, as do the reactions and decisions that such values influence. ---Actually, this works well as a topic sentence for the paragraph.

I don't like this phrase: heighten these gaps.

...to discover from the present as well. ---too vague. I want to know what you really intend to do in the next 5 or 10 years. :-)

great ending. Don't pay attention to my nitpicking; this is looking good already! But maybe my comments will give you some ideas.