Hey guys, I am applying to U of I from a community college for the Spring of 2012, I feel the essay I have written thus far is pretty decent but I truly want to make it perfect. If you have any (literally any) criticisms, suggestions, revisions or ideas that would make this essay better, feel free to chime in. Thank you in advance! I truly do appreciate it.
Here is the essay prompt: In an essay of 300 words or less, explain your motivation to transfer from your current/previous institution and how your academic interests and/or professional goals will be fulfilled in your intended program of study.
I know this is a bit over 300 words, so if anyone has ideas on how to shorten it a bit that would be awesome.
"Keep steadily before you the fact that all true success depends at last upon yourself." - Theodore Hunger. This was my mindset upon entering my first college class. It was a new level of thinking and was frankly quite intimidating; however, it was an intrinsic pre-requisite to the change I wanted to see in myself. Before entering college I made a promise to myself: a promise to change. This promise would lead me down a new path, unlike the turbulent one traveled in high school, marked by sub-par grades and a lack of self confidence. Previously, it felt like I have been in front of a blank canvas lacking the tools necessary to craft my masterpiece; however, my burning desire to attend Illinois soon became the driving force behind immersing myself in academic excellence.
Simultaneously, another portion of my masterpiece took form: a keen interest in finance. Fueled by weekly meetings with the finance club and daily readings of the Wall Street Journal, I was constantly aware of events fluctuating commodity prices, or about which company exceeded earnings expectations. Once I began my internship at UBS I received hands on exposure to the markets by creating financial plans and analyzing investment strategies for clients. Ultimately, I realized my dream of dream of helping manage others money by establishing a fund focused on commodities and renewable energy. Through Agri-Finance, I will gain a competitive advantage in becoming a successful money manager and ultimately fulfilling this dream. Long gone are the days of school being a sedative- it's become a stimulant that has driven me to a higher goal: the University of Illinois.
While my masterpiece has seen dramatic improvement over the past two years, it's still a work in progress whose completion depends on continued studies at Illinois.
Here is the essay prompt: In an essay of 300 words or less, explain your motivation to transfer from your current/previous institution and how your academic interests and/or professional goals will be fulfilled in your intended program of study.
I know this is a bit over 300 words, so if anyone has ideas on how to shorten it a bit that would be awesome.
"Keep steadily before you the fact that all true success depends at last upon yourself." - Theodore Hunger. This was my mindset upon entering my first college class. It was a new level of thinking and was frankly quite intimidating; however, it was an intrinsic pre-requisite to the change I wanted to see in myself. Before entering college I made a promise to myself: a promise to change. This promise would lead me down a new path, unlike the turbulent one traveled in high school, marked by sub-par grades and a lack of self confidence. Previously, it felt like I have been in front of a blank canvas lacking the tools necessary to craft my masterpiece; however, my burning desire to attend Illinois soon became the driving force behind immersing myself in academic excellence.
Simultaneously, another portion of my masterpiece took form: a keen interest in finance. Fueled by weekly meetings with the finance club and daily readings of the Wall Street Journal, I was constantly aware of events fluctuating commodity prices, or about which company exceeded earnings expectations. Once I began my internship at UBS I received hands on exposure to the markets by creating financial plans and analyzing investment strategies for clients. Ultimately, I realized my dream of dream of helping manage others money by establishing a fund focused on commodities and renewable energy. Through Agri-Finance, I will gain a competitive advantage in becoming a successful money manager and ultimately fulfilling this dream. Long gone are the days of school being a sedative- it's become a stimulant that has driven me to a higher goal: the University of Illinois.
While my masterpiece has seen dramatic improvement over the past two years, it's still a work in progress whose completion depends on continued studies at Illinois.