MCPHS-Why I want to become a doctor...Women need my help over there

Luck. Luck defines my life. My parents were able to escape Pakistan and succeed in creating a life for my brothers and I here in America. Because I have been so lucky, I want to give back to those who have not been as lucky. Pakistan has one of the worst medical fields in the world. On top of that, women are not allowed to be treated by male doctors due to religious reasons. Women are dying every day because they do not have access to a doctor. I want that to change. I want to devote my life to becoming a doctor and helping these women who are dying just because they do not have medical acssess. These women were not lucky enough to escape Pakistan, as my parents were. I could easily be in their positions. And because I am not, I find that I have to help these women who are living with diseases and illnesses that can be treated easily. MCPHS stands out to me in so many ways from other schools. When I first entered into the building, I noticed the huge pillars. I love the architecture, and the fact that it is located in the city. I also like the size of the school and the alumni from all different races. The fact that I am Pakistani is a problem for some people in my town, but at MCPHS I know I will be accepted and fit right in with other students from all walks of life. MCPHS is driven and rigorous schools for students who know what they want. I admire that MCPHS challenges and makes sure students know what they truly want.

Hi all...thank you for reading...if you could help me change it up or add anything that would be great!! Also I volunteer at the local hospital can i incorporate that in any way? This supplement has to be amazing!!! Thank you so much

Hello sofia10, I'm a foreigner so I won't advise you about any grammatical point nor about essay's structure. I'll try to give you some pieces of advice about the content which is a bit too vehement.

First you sound too much like you seek to convince the reader by emotional means and not enough with facts. You must be more objective ABOUT your emotions and your ambitions.

Giving more evidence of that is a great work on oneself.

"Luck. Luck defines my life"

Too melodramatic I think. And the word "luck" appears too many times too.

"Pakistan has one of the worst medical fields in the world. On top of that, women are not allowed to be treated by male doctors due to religious reasons."

This is good, it's relevant because as long as you explain the situation you show that you know what you are talking about and your concern.

"I want that to change. I want to devote my life to becoming a doctor..."
to becoming a doctor ? It sounds like you'll never reach this aim :/

Get rid of reccurent or superfluous words :

"...and helping these women who are dying just because they do not have medical acess. These women were not lucky enough to escape Pakistan, as my parents were. I could easily be in their positions. And because I am not, I find that I have to help these women who are living with diseases and illnesses..."

-> "I want that to change and devote my life to."

Such recurrences make me feel like you have depleted all your arguments and that you keep on trying to convince as if you were already apprehending a refusal.

Bear in mind that each time you use such words like dying, starving... you affect the reader, and too often used, it sounds like it was something easy to talk about.

I think you should go on in explaining what else interest you in the job of doctor. Contact with people... How you imagine the situation may get better.. Your interest in this science ? Why you think you may be a good doctor.

"When I first entered into the building, I noticed the huge pillars. I love the architecture, and the fact that it is located in the city. I also like the size of the school and the alumni from all different races."

This is irrelevant. Does the fact that you like the architecture really give the reader any evidence that your motivations won't dim ? Don't give free compliments just to flatter (if this is addressed to the MCPHS).

Your essay is quite short.

Thank you...

and the essay can only be 250 words

Luck I like it without that word at the start:
Luck defines my life. My parents were...

...for my brothers and I me here in America.

Because I have been so lucky, I want to give back to those who have...

medical acssess access.

I think in the beginning of this essay it would be better if you gave a little more explanation about WHY women especially lack medical treatment (i.e. and are less likely than men to get the necessary treatment.) Also, I think of course you would not let feminist ideas make you discriminate against men... so be sure to mention that, too.

I think this should be separated into 2 paragraphs.

:-)