I tried to show how I persevere through daily problems using one of my favorite ec's, weight lifting, as a back drop. Please be harsh on mostly content and cohesion.
Lastly, Do I answer the prompt?
In this second essay, please reflect on something you would like us to know about you that we might not learn from the rest of your application--or on something that you would like to ay more about. we ask that you limit your essay to fewer than 500 words.
Many men before me have been in this exact position, suspended by a hard object resting parallel to my spine. These men I have talked to, they are the same seen on the walls and through the dust. They constantly utter the phrase, "the mind is key. Control the mind, control the body." Though wrong body position could cause me to enter an early grave, they are only focused on my mind's focus. I drown out all external sounds. I tighten my gear and ready myself for battle. I attempt to concentrate but my mind loses focus on the task at hand. My mind loses focus at the wrong time. My mind drifts towards the past.
Yelling fills the vacuum my brain has created. But who is yelling? The men... or me? I cannot tell as I have heard their screams and have seen their blood and sweat, yet I have also felt the pain of my own labor. The body can only handle so much. Somehow, the men always push on while I slowly deteriorate under the pain. Maybe that's why they are on the wall? Do they not yell the same yell as I? I confirm they do, but somehow they are still superior.
I shift back into the present: contemplating, analyzing. These men still surround me and I decode all of their screaming. "Push it the f*** up" is what spews from their mouths. As my mind tries to listen to this command I drift back into the past.
This isn't my first confrontation with these men. Last time I saw them my body broke down as I was defeated, but there they still were; still hanging on the high walls surrounding me while I sit slumped in the corner as their prey. Every battle I encounter they are there. Always yelling and screaming.
Their purpose is yet a mystery as...
I shake off my quandaries and resume my focus on the task at hand. I tighten my wrist straps and lean back guided by pure adrenaline. My chalked hands cut the bar into thirds and I let out a deep grunt. The bar lowers and I push it back up with ease. Four more reps go up then suddenly I hear profanity aimed in my direction. As the bar slows with every rep the yelling gets louder. Defeat will not be tolerated! The men are back and larger more irate than ever. I force up the last three repetitions and rack the weight. My muscles feel as if they are tearing apart.
I sit up victorious; knowing I have pushed my body passed its limits. But then it dawns on me. I look through the empty weight room and look for the pictures plastered high on the wall. They are nowhere to be found.
I'm not sure the essay says enough about you. So, ignoring grammatical errors for now, you need to ensure that what you write says something about you as a person. 500 words is a lot. Use it well.
great writing. but i do not understand the ending. i think you should be more open with it. and yes, i agree with the previous comment. it does not really tell much about you.
Thank you for the replies. I will work on it and try to incorporate myself in the essay more thoroughly. I will check out your(both repliers) essays also.
um... agree with the above posters... dont really get the ending. just clarify that and u should be good to go.
The ending was supposed to explain that the men were never really alive. It was my own mind pushing me passed my limits, not an outside source. The essay was supposed to show how I persevere using one of my favorite activities as a setting, weight lifting. I seemed to have missed my mark and will change it.
Maybe it is because I am an athlete, but I actually understood the ending of your essay and definitely enjoyed it. Unfortunately I do not think the admissions would understand it. But I think what you wanted to convey was good and that you could still have the same topic if you wrote a little more about the ending and made it easier to understand for others.
Good luck! :)
how about you use the same topic and connect it a little more to who you are as a person? do that and you should be good.