" Mission to Getting Certified" about something that makes me unique- extracurricular

*****how can i make the ending better and incorporate more about myself?

Mission to Getting Certified

I do not like having to struggle down the narrow, slippery dock, I do not like having to carry a massive tank of steal that completely dominates my body while an enormous gust of wind afflicts my balance. But I do like what I will receive at the end of this in just a few short hours. I entered the rocking boat gracelessly and made my way toward an empty seat. Curiosity seemed to emanate from the others in the boat, as if they could tell that I was an amateur and wondered how I would perform in severe weather. The thought of choppy waves, vigorous winds, and strong currents overwhelmed me. Ultimately, I shook away all thoughts of fear and proceeded into the water.

Seconds later, I was immersed into the uninviting waves. Of course to my luck, the last task required me to perform above the water. I already wasn't sure if the amount of strength I had could support me for much longer. Lowering my head into the water, I spotted a group of professional scuba divers headed towards an exotic cave. Immediately, I felt re-inspired to bear through this final step to shortly become one of them. I focused my attention back to my instructor who told me to remove my vest and tank. The waves along with the current completely empowered my entire body as I worked every muscle in my body to keep me in place. I tried my best to block out the feeling of being tired and thought about how close I was to being done with this course.

After an exhausting period of time, I finally finished! Letting the waves carry me back to the boat, I then sat down feeling the greatest sense of relief. My determination into succeeding this course has led me into being able to view one of the most fascinating places on Earth.

Nicole,

You are a poetic writer -- indeed. However, I am not sure that this is what the admissions office at the college wants. I understand what it is you are saying, but is everyone else going to understand this as well? Write something simple, to the point, without the poetic language. I think that they will appreciate it more. You can always insert some of your poetic language into the essay, but the main part needs to be concise, and to the point. Do you understand what I am trying to say?

Thanks,

Mark

I do not like having to struggle down the narrow, slippery dock. I do not like having to carry a massive tank of steal that completely dominates my body while an enormous gust of wind afflicts (or disrupts?) my balance.

Keep that present verb tense:
But I do like what I will receive at the end of this in just a few short hours. I entered the rocking boat gracelessly and made make my way toward an empty seat. Curiosity seemed seems to emanate ...

Change all these verbs to match the present tense you used at the start. That will be great!

Mark is right... you are a poet. And I like you poetic style, too.

My determination into succeeding this course has led me into being able everything about this part I scratched out is messed up. Just write it s different way! :-) You obviously are a great writer, so I hope you don't mind me criticizing this sentence; I think you can do better.

Hi Nicole,

You write well. I liked reading your essay about scuba diving, and while I have never endured the sport, I know of a time when my father was heavily into the sport.

It is quite obvious to me that, based on how well you described your flight to becoming certified, that you enjoy the world of the water. I don't think I could have expressed myself better than you did, especially when you described how fatigued you were in the water, watching the other people swim towards the underwater cave.

You wrote about the prompt well. I think you did a wonderful job with the essay and I didn't see any areas where I would change.

Mark :)

Mark- I really appreciate your opinion, thank you!!

niklev


Not a problem, Nicole. I enjoyed reading the essay. Why don't you allow Kevin and some others review it as well -- they might have something different to say.

Mark

Curiosity seems to emanate from the others in the boat, as if they could can tell that I am an amateur and wonder how I would perform in severe weather.---keep that verb tense consistent.

You should spend some time at the end telling about the meaning you can find in this experience... what it shows, what its implications might be with regard to your college aspirations, etc.

I love some of your modifiers...gracelessly ...uninviting.