This is my MIT essay, please evaluate is it according to the topic
"Please tell us more about your cultural background and identity in the space below"
Rate it on 0-10 !! Thanks to one who cares for evaluating it.
Blend. What do you get in mind listening to the word? A fusion or concoction of varied elements. This is what my cultural background sounds like. Born in a country with diverse culture-changing every mile, people with contrasting perspectives, and parents with distinct values bought me up. More specifically, my mom is from Southern India and my dad is from Northern India, with a common root coming from Eastern India. Sounds like a triangle with three different coordinates. Both had different birth-place and workplaces, so am I, born in dad's city and carrying on my studies from their stem. My weekends, of which I am a great fan, morning with South Indian delicacy, carried with Northern Cuisine and summing up with a blend, which I am, of all the culture I have inhabited. I adore myself to be embedded in an eccentric culture.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 15385 You are trying to use the available space when you should be using the optional larger space to develop your blended cultural background and identity. Review the work.This is a 2 at the most. There are seperate descriptions but no blending completed. The blend should be in a second paragraph that explains how you honor your roots in your blended personality. How does the blend make you unique? Which of the cultures do you prefer and why? Dissect your character to give the reviewer an in-depth look at your uniqueness and potential as a diversity candidate of foreign roots. These are all parts of a person that fail to create a truly blended look at who you are.
@asm525
I agree with the educational consultant and so I'll add to it.
As described above, you tell us all the cultures within you, but don't explain how those cultures come together in a blend to create your unique cultural identity. In a second paragraph, describe the parts of your cultural background you identify with the most, what culture do you practice/lean towards in your daily routine? Which one affects how you live your life the most? Explain why you love each different culture in your blend, do you love the food from your mom's side the most? do you enjoy the religious practices (if applicable) that come with your father's (or mother's) side? etc etc. I would rate this low as well, 2 or 3 out of 10, due to many grammatical errors and a lack of explanation about your cultural identity.
On an added note here are some grammatical edits I think will make your sentences flow better.
"What do you get in comes to mind listening to the when you hear this word?"
"This is what my cultural background sounds like is."
"distinct values that brought bought me up."
"More specifically, To be more specific,"
" common root coming derived from"
"Eastern India. Sounds, like a triangle"
"workplaces, so am and so do I, I was born"
"fan, morning with start with a morning meal apprised of South Indian delicacy, carried with Northern Cuisine for lunch and summing up the day with a blend, which I am like me,"
"I adore myself to be love being embedded"
I hope this helps!
To add on to the comments above, I believe you need to tell us how your culture makes you who you are. Having a different cultural identity than those around me, I can relate to this idea of a blend. What I didn't get much of was how you relate to your culture, and how it defines you. Answer questions like, have you always cared about your culture? How does your culture differ from those around you? What is an experience you had in relation to your culture that changed your perspective? The first paragraph was good in terms of introducing your culture, but now we need to get to know who you are. As the prompt says, they don't only want to learn about your culture but also your identity. The definition of identity is who you are, the way you think about yourself, the way you are viewed by the world and the characteristics that define you. Include this and you will be good. As well as implementing the grammatical edits that were suggested above. Hope this helps!