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'I move. I change. I create.' - UPenn Ben Franklin essay



krj0718 1 / -  
Feb 2, 2013   #1
I am nowhere finished my essay yet, but I would like to know if it sounds like I'm heading in the right direction or not. I had a few different ideas and I feel that writing about being one that moves would be best. Please let me know if there is anything I should elaborate on or could improve on. Thanks in advance for your help! :)

Ben Franklin once said, 'All mankind is divided into three classes: those that are immovable, those that are movable, and those that move.'
Which are you?
(Please answer in 300-500 words.)

I move. I change. I create. The world would not be where it is today without those who move. I, myself, would not be where I am today without being one who moves.

Moving does not guarantee safety or success. Moving means picking yourself up after you fall and trudging on against all odds. I stop at nothing to succeed. I strive to lead rather than follow a path someone else has created beforehand. We all have the potential to move, but not everyone has the courage to do so. We have no control over our own lives unless we take it by the reins. For me, every moment is a new opportunity to improve myself.

At Penn, I am free to move. I am free to grow as I learn and branch out into the world. My education will give me new opportunities and lead me to a successful future.

ss2320 - / 4  
Feb 2, 2013   #2
You can elaborate on the last paragraph. How exactly will it lead you to a successful future?
Other than that, it's a great set of ideas. :)
Epsilon 3 / 10  
Feb 2, 2013   #3
The second paragraph is pretty good. I may dedicate some words to factors that helped you become the person you are and how you think the University will give you the tools you need to follow up from that. I think it's very well-written though.
Didgeridoo - / 289  
Feb 2, 2013   #4
I agree with Epsilon; I would definitely elaborate on what things you do that support you labeling yourself a mover, and how you developed into that kind of person.


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