'we could name ourselves a new rap group' - Stanford your future roommate

Stanford supplement prompt- note to your future roommate.

To my future roommate,
As you search for our room that destined us together, you will hear loud music and lyrical rhythms spill out into the hall. The notes of the songs will wrap your hips and sway them, putting your mind in an ecstatic musical sensation. Your feet will follow the music, kicking our dorm door, begging for more. Once I open the door, you will enter not just an ordinary dorm, but another dimension; a new world full of underground hip hop, living the experiences and adversity of rappers and historical figures expressed through rap. As you embrace and settle into this new universe full of this new musical genre, the mainstream media will hopefully not invade our 'earth,' as they are poisonous to our culture in this new 'home'.

Before I was exposed to underground hip hop, the venomous fangs of mainstream media had injected me with their poison of music, infecting my mind and soul that life was all about 'living the Scarface fantasy,' or 'the Wiz Khalifa dream.' Women, money, and partying were my conviction; my poison was spreading throughout my body, making me into a mental slave to the media. But one day in school, my U.S. History teacher had played a song called 'Freedom of Speech' by Immortal Technique to my class. The millions of lyrical bullets hit me, breaking my chains of my mental slavery, and I was reborn into a new fanatic of underground hip hop; born into a new universe of a different cultural music.

I then looked deeper into Immortal Technique and other underground hip hop artists, and fell in love with this genre. My poison was cured, and I was less ignorant about the mainstream media, that they are a bunch of sheep, told what to do by their shepherd: the music industry. My mind was then saved.

And so to you, I hope you will enjoy underground hip hop just as much as I do. I guarantee you will learn new facts and literature once you listen to this music. Together, we could name ourselves a new rap group, and pretend to rap like the Wu-Tang clan, or Jedi Mind Tricks.

i like the first paragraph but i think you should do something more with the others. this sounds like more of a personal statement and i think its supposed to be less specific on one event and just a casual letter discussing about you. what are your interests, likes, dislikes, pet peeves, favorite foods, talents, quirks, etc. but casual overall. your writing is strong just tone it down a notch and make it less about just one specific event

I agree with adithya, I think you should try to cover more aspects of your personality rather than just one--you might want to rewrite this essay. Also, I'd suggest making your intro and conclusion stronger, as they are the most important parts of an essay. Good luck.

Thanks for the comments people. Here is the full prompt if you are wondering: Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate - and us - know you better.

So yeah thanks, and is writing or revealing about one aspect of myself not a good idea? Because I do have two other sections to reveal more of myself.

i think you need more about yourself, not just your love of rap. look at mine?

I did some new changes towards the ending. I am 53 characters over the limit, (2000 character limit, I am at 2053 with this essay). So, I would need help cutting this down, and to see if it is good in your eyes. Thanks

full prompt if you are wondering: Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate - and us - know you better.