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'in one fateful day, my life changed forever' - Penn State UPark statement



apv 3 / 7  
Jan 27, 2012   #1
I didnt put anything related to my major, it is just a story about me, but if you think I should relate it to my major (Biochemistry and Mollecular Biology) then tell me please!. I would appreciate any help! (P.S: I'm an international student)

Prompt and essay:


Personal Statement (Optional)
Please tell us something about yourself, your experiences, or activities that you believe would reflect positively on your ability to succeed at Penn State. This is your opportunity to tell us something about yourself that is not already reflected in your application or academic records. We suggest a limit of 500 words or fewer.


Ten year ago, in one fateful day, my life changed forever. It was curiously a "retirement" day, as I attended a catholic school back in the day. As part of this important day, we visited a church in our community. I had no idea of what was about to happen to me that same day.

A car hit me that day. I was just a 7 year old boy, and this terrible accident had devastating effects on me because of my small size. I remember waking up that day at the emergency room, with my right leg completely destroyed and my nose shattered into pieces, doctors feared that could lose my leg.

I questioned my faith that day at the emergency room, I thought to myself if there was really a god up there looking for all of us. It happened that same day of the retirement, this made me question if this tragic event was god's wrath unleashing on me because I did something wrong or if it was just some kind of test.

I recovered from this horrible accident with the help of my friends and family, I was able to use my leg again and my nose was as good as new. During this process I realized that there is no spirit looking for us, neither is god or some kind of omnipotent being behind us at all times, I learnt that this so called spirit that pushes us to the limit and creates a desire of overcoming our disgraces is nothing more than our family and friends. If it wasn't for my family and my friends, I wouldn't had the strength to continue, to go on, to find that energy inside me to defeat this excruciating pain. Sometimes you need someone beside you, like in my case my brothers, my mother and my father to tell you that they are beside you at all times, someone that cries when you cry and feels pain when they look at you suffering because of the operations and treatments.

After this accident, I became a new and a better person. I understood that our guardian spirit is always with us, and it was not god or a mysterious spirit, it was my family and my friends. That very day I learned how to appreciate life, my amorous family and wonderful friends. I came to the conclusion that it was all a test, a test where I needed to understand how I should appreciate my life and how I should fight and persevere in order to overcome any obstacle in my way. And I still believe to this day that, with my family and my friends I can overcome any fear and achieve anything if I determine myself to do it.

wtangalang - / 14  
Jan 27, 2012   #2
opinions and suggestions:

1. i dont think you should relate it to your major because this story shows the development of you as a person
2. delete unnecessary details: eg : almost the entire first paragraph. It's a waste of word space if the entire paragraph is just an introduction to the main event

3. I want to know what your friends and family did for you that made you change as a person
4. careful bringing in god and spirits into the essay. i mean i guess you can say that you dont believe in a religion or any other outside force that protects you, but i would just place more emphasis on what your friends and family did for you that inspired you so much
anpan 4 / 8  
Jan 28, 2012   #3
we visited a church in our community, which was actually the first one in the American continent. Which was the very first one in the American continent

you can rephrase it another way but your original sentence seemed a bit redundant. too colloquial? idk..lol

As the person before me stated...the essay topic itself suggests that you write something that was not told in your original application. This story should be part of your common app, instead of supplement. If suggest you make a conclusion about how this will relate to you succeeding at Penn.

some questions to consider
-How did this experience inspire you to major in biochemistry...etc...
-how will penn help you achieve your career goal?

rather than stating the your story and expecting the colleges to draw inference as to how this will relates to ANYTHING AT ALL! make strong points and tell the colleges how this EFFECTED you. because this sounds rather like just a story than anything.

On a side note, (as the last person mentioned) religion is a touchy subject. Everyone has a different belief, however, the way you seemed too confident when you stated your belief in your essay as if your dismissing other beliefs. so i suggest you take that part out because it really is rather pointless. It made it seem like your experience was strengthening your beliefs rather than it being an inspiration to your future career goals. sorry for it being so long. good luck!
OP apv 3 / 7  
Jan 28, 2012   #4
Could someone review my corrected essay? (Forgot to ask!). I would appreciate it, its kinda urgent... Thanks!
anpan 4 / 8  
Jan 29, 2012   #5
Instead of focusing so much on how you've development philosophically. talk about how you want to pursue your major your amibtion, and how upenn would be the place for you.


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