First draft of my essay to the Cornell U College of Arts and Sciences. Criticize and over criticize if you'd like. I want the essay to be as polished as possible. Thanks :)
Describe your intellectual interests, their evolution, and what makes them exciting to you. Tell us how you will utilize the academic programs in the College of Arts and Sciences to further explore your interests, intended major, or field of study. (Max. 500 words)
Opportunity's Door
When I was younger, adults would always ask me, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" "A vet!" I responded with enthusiasm to the question each time, although I was always greeted with the same response. A knowing smile, a few brief words to my mother that I will probably change my mind hundreds of times as children often do. I never did, and I'm now steps away from my journey toward achieving that goal.
I always preferred a challenge over taking the easy route, whether it was daring friends who could race uphill the fastest instead of on level land, or attempting with everything I had to read an entire thesaurus at the age of five instead of the picture books that were offered to me. Academically this is no different. I desire Cornell's diverse atmosphere, the challenging majors and mentally stimulating courses that are available.
Studying biology at Cornell can academically bring me to new heights I could never reach before. I have one set goal - to be a veterinarian - but so many extra-curricular interests that only Cornell's vast array of fine programs could satiate them. I've explored acting in dramatic and comedic plays, delved deep into studying the classical compositions of Mozart and Czerny, and volunteered in both bustling inner cities and rural communities. The variety at Cornell excites me, and I'm ready to dive head-first into the new opportunities that lie ahead.
I got a strong sense of who you are from this supplement, which is great! What I think you should work on is elaborating on the evolution of your interest in biology? Was it really that simple that you just always knew you wanted to be a vet? I'm sure there is more of a story behind it. By emphasizing that, it will show you that you have a passion for the subject as well as many qualities, like motivation, that will help you in college.
A few grammar nuances that I noticed were:
1. You may want to avoid "I'm". I was always taught never to use contractions in formal writing, I don't think changing it to "I am" would hurt, but its usually author's preference with these things.
2. There should be a comma between "Academically" and "this" you also might want to consider changing the sentence from "Academically this is no different" to "Academically, I am no different" to continue with the personal-ness that is your essay.
Also, if you're really set on Cornell you might want to change "can" in "can academically..." to "will". Just a stronger verb.
I hope this helps. I thought it was really well written.
It's all very helpful! Thank you! I'm working on adding more to my essay about the evolution of my interests that collegegirl mentioned. I do have question... I'm a bit new to the site. Should I edit my post once I've made revisions, or post it in a reply for further looking over? (Or is either allowed) Thanks for the great tips, my essay is looking much better already! :D
i'm happy to hear your edits are going well! would you mind giving me some feedback on my U of M supplement? i would really appreciate it! thanks
