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'what oppresses people' + 'roommate, my clammy handshake' - Stanford



joho104 1 / 1  
Nov 20, 2011   #1
Hi everyone, I was wondering if anyone could help mostly for grammar, sentence structure and main idea for the following essays and just give me their general thoughts? All help is appreciated, thank you!

Stanford students possess an intellectual vitality. Reflect on an idea or experience that has been important to your intellectual development.
In October of 2011, I had the fortunate ability to visit the Occupy Boston protest in Dewey Square in Downtown Boston. I boarded the commuter rail train there expecting to simply observe the protests and see what they were truly about. An active follower of numerous socially and fiscally liberal blogs, I found out about the commencement of the Occupy Wall Street protests the day before they actually begun. The moment I realized that these protests would decry the current economic inequality in the United States, I was ecstatic.

My biggest intellectual curiosity as of yet, is social inequity and social movements in the United States. In history class when we speak of Organized labor protests, civil rights protests, and the like, I can't help but be fascinated. Sewn into the fabric of the United States is a history of oppression and overcoming; a history of despair followed by ineffable hope. So when a group so loosely organized, but so vehemently motivated, arrived on September 17th on New York's Wall Street, and soon spread to hundreds of other cities, it was an occurrence that I can already say has inspired and changed me. Here in my time, in my observable ability, was a real manifestation of this progressive spirit that has come to be my favorite part of America. Paired with a pet cause of mine, income equality, and it was a match made to inspire me.

So, on that October night my outlooks and perspectives were changed by seeing change in the making. To me this was an experience to see first hand one of these social movements in the making. When I went there and saw the masses of people rallied against an injustice and for an ideal, I knew immediately why all of these past movements had inspired me: because they had the power to inspire entire generations. Within this moment, of standing across the street from the protests and seeing the joined masses under a cold Boston night, I knew immediately that this was truly what intellectually inspires me. I seek to understand what oppresses people, and how they overcome. One day too, in an optimistic world, I hope to help find the way in which there will not be a need to overcome again, that this cycle will die much quicker than it came.

Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate - and us - know you better.

To my future roommate,
I want to tell you right away, it surely is not because I don't like you. I am certain you are a fantastic person with the skills and experiences of a truly cultured individual. Frankly, it is not you that makes me cringe while you are dance, sing or act, I am simply embarrassed about the actions themselves. It happens all too often. Some people have bouts of sadness, others spindles of energy, while I have pangs of embarrassment. Attribute it to shyness, to stage fright, or what have you, but it is there and it is menacing. When you stand up on karaoke night to sing "Don't Stop Believin'," and other 80's classics, you better believe I am covering my ears in order to block out the noise, not to shelter them from the cold. I am sure your singing is quite beautiful, not that I can really hear it, but I have an empathetic humiliation for you. Since I would not sing on stage, I don't have the greatest capacity to watch you do so. It's truly a disorder of overactive empathy. I am sure this will pose no problems, I will continue to cover my ears, avert my eyes, and avoid the dance floor. If you ever want I would love to watch Monk together, as it probably the greatest T.V. show ever made. Still, please do not make me watch the scene where he throws the world's most embarrassing bachelor party, I can't ever bear to see the ending.

I can't wait to meet you, and please don't mind my clammy handshake, it's just part of the whole awkward package.

AU0594 15 / 31  
Nov 21, 2011   #2
This sentence doesn't make sense:
Frankly, it is not you that makes me cringe while you are dance, sing or act, I am simply embarrassed about the actions themselves.
If you ever want, I would love to watch Monk together, as it probably the greatest T.V. show ever made.
And the intellectual vitality essay was great! :)
Stephenhanrahan 1 / 1  
Nov 21, 2011   #3
Your roomate answer is very good. I wouldn't change it other than proofread for small grammatical mistakes.

Again, your first one is also solid. Great connection to the Occupy Movement, and your thoughts conclude nicely.

Nice job! I have my own comm app essay that needs help shortening if you could help it would be greatly appreciated
OP joho104 1 / 1  
Nov 21, 2011   #4
thank you!


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