A Not Very Outstanding Story - The Common App - Topic 5

I would really appreciate any advice on my essay. I'm not sure about my title, my amount of words,.... the whole essay in general =)) Please give me some brutally feedback.

The Common Application essay - Topic 5 - Discuss an accomplishment, event, or realization that sparked a period of personal growth and a new understanding of yourself or others.

A Not Very Outstanding Story

You know how stories of the others, the outstanding ones, ones that overcame their difficulties and made their way to successes supposed to be our motivations. I spent most of my life admiring other people's arts and their accomplishments but never had they encouraged or inspired me. Or should I said, never had I let them to. "I would never be able to build such stories, to build my own achievements." That was what had been going on in my head for years. It was not like there was someone teasing or discouraging me. I was the only one who created that belief.

"No no no, I cannot do this. I don't do leading people, I receive given tasks and finish them but not the other way." These little words had stressed me out for one whole week since my former leader, Mai, assigned me to replace her spot on the team. She is the smartest, the kindest, she is someone who I look up to. Consequently, that didn't make replacing her on the girl guide team any less scary. I buried myself in my fear, my self-consciousness. I would refuse to pick up any call from her or anybody on my team. I skipped Scouting on the weekends to avoid dealing with my problems. What if people don't listen to me? What if I mess something up and affect the whole team? What if, what if, what if,...? What if I'm not as good as her? And I stopped right there. Every now and then I compare myself to others, those who I considered superb and I would see myself having no chance against them. Yes, even now I still think that I would never be as good as those outstanding individuals but that's completely fine. It's okay if I'm not as good a leader as she is, that doesn't mean that I can't be one. She didn't assign me for no reason. Why comparing ourselves with others? I came to realize that the most important person you need to defeat is the yesterday you.

So, I talked to Mai and on that weekend, I showed up to claim my position. Yes, my fear is still there but it only made me want to work harder. Mai left the team as she had something going on and I continued her job. I used everything she'd taught me to build a better, stronger groups of unique individuals. The more I guide my team, the more I believe that I got this. Less than a month passed by, my team had come together as one united group, ready for the annual one week summer camp. As the camping day was getting very close, all of a sudden, three of my teammates told me that they couldn't go because of different reasons. I panicked but quickly pulled myself together. My team then consisted of a team leader, a vice team leader and a team member. We went camping with that same formation while the other teams had twice more people than we do. The key is knowing how to divide the work amount to everyone on the team according to their strengths and weaknesses and all that relies on the captain. Despise being a very small group compare to others, we managed to finish every tasks on time, even earlier than many other teams.

Eventually, I led my team to become the champion as a new team leader. I proved to everyone that it didn't matter that we were girls, it didn't matter that we had the least amount of people. More importantly, I proved to myself that I can build my own stories.

Every one of us were born special without us even trying. We all have something we love and good at. Maybe we're not the best at it but as long as we make the best of our own selves, that's enough.

[653 words] - I exceeded the limit of 650 words :(( help me

This is not the essay that responds to the prompt requirement in an accurate manner. There is too much focus on the activity and not enough representation of your leadership development and the awakening that comes with the realization that you are a capable leader. This is a self analysis essay. That means, you need to present a discussion that shows an understanding of who you are as a person, based upon the demands of a given situation. There needs to be a clear sense of epiphany in the essay. This is more of a creative story narrative that focuses more on the activity instead of the personal aspects of the events that led to your realization. There is too much reference to Mai and the group rather than yourself. Think of some other story if you cannot make this work for you.

Try to focus on an event that really had you claiming a victory over yourself. What I mean to say is, focus on an achievement that is your own, not your group's. That is why this essay is running too long. You have too many side stories running. Too much reference to Mai, the group, the events during various camping trips, these are all word fillers that remove the focus from your self-realization. Focus on a single event instead. One that will truly have you believing that it was during that pivotal moment that you came to understand more about yourself and that you lost all sense of doubt as to your leadership skills. Don't delve too much on the talk with Mai and various camping stories. Just get to the point by choosing one event. It is a word limited essay, you know how to meet the word requirement. Just focus the story and the word count will reduce itself.

Don't post the reduced word count essay here. It will be deleted because we do not allow multiple postings of the same essay in a single thread. Even if you post it as a new thread, it will still be deleted as a multiple post. Just work on the revision as I instructed. It will work for you. If you still have doubts, then please make this thread urgent so that you can get more guidance from me. Thanks.

@Holt
Thanks you for your advices