"Can I get a packet of cigarettes?" - common apps short answer

hey just wrote this one up
took me two days lol

the ending is a bit awkward and i might need to fix that
any critique would be helpful thanks!

its the common apps question elaborate on one of your activities

"Can I get a packet of cigarettes?"

I was merely 13 when I asked nervously to a baffled shopkeeper who began questioning my age. He did not know that the cigarettes were not for myself but rather for my work. I was a part of a surveillance team in my local health department; my task was to attempt to purchase cigarettes from a range of retailers. When I was successful with a purchase, a health officer would serve the retailer with a warning. A second time meant a prosecution. The work was a considerable challenge, requiring utmost honesty (I was not to deceive the seller) but also an immense amount of courage, which made it particularly harder for an introvert like myself. However, ever since my first purchase, the work became increasingly comfortable and I gradually became more self-confident. Although this was of a great financial benefit, ($40 for 2-3 hours of work. Not bad for a 7th grader!) I found great joy and gained emotional maturity. But most of all, I don't get nervous talking to shopkeepers anymore.

I would rewrite the first sentence and say: I was only 13 when I nervously asked this to a baffled shopkeeper who immediately questioned my age. He was unaware that the cigarettes were not for myself, but rather for my work. I was involved in a surveillance project conducted by my local health department which required that I attempt to buy cigarettes from a range of retailers.

hey thanks a lot! anything else?

]The work was considerably challenging, requiring complete honesty (I was not to deceive the seller) and an immense amount of courage, making the task difficult for an introvert like me . Ever since my first purchase, however,the work became easier as I continued to build confidence. Although I was doing this for a profit, I acquired something greater than 40 dollars.I overcame a great fear and found great joy in my assignments. I have matured emotionally and am no longer nervous when meeting new people.

Try to make the ending a little more general. It may be true that you overcame a fear of talking to shopkeepers, but that's just one aspect of life. Try describing a little bit more in detail about how you have overcome your fear and applied it to life.

Wow, sounds like it was much more exciting than a paper route!!
Good essay!

:)

Kevin